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I never felt this bad.
Taylor had made it clear that talking to each other is out of the question for now, so he stopped sending me “don’t forget to eat” massages, not that I forgot, I actually remembered much better, but I just decided to ignore that note in my head.
Now that I stopped eating almost completely again I lost most of the weight I managed to get on before, I slept more and talked less, and by talk less I mean totally ignoring my parents.
As for Tanner? He ignored me now too.
My life is just so dandy right now.
I was walking up and down the halls for a while now, I wasn’t going to eat anyway so there was no point to go to the cafeteria. I did have a harder time not eating again because of Taylor, but the depression did its job. I barely felt the hunger.
As I walk around and turn in one of the halls listening to ‘The Script – We Cry’ I look up from my phone ad notice Tanner and his friends talking while he was exchanging books, my heart skips a beat and I quickly turn back before they could notice me, but still close enough to hear them talking.
I take off my earphones and listen to the familiar voice, “aw cool man! That’s awesome!’ Tanner says and I can hear high fives, they were about 5 people there.
“Okay look we’re gonna head out now so do what you gotta do and join us quick huh?” One of his friends say, I think his name was David or something like that. There’s rumors saying his a Jew or something like that, not that I understood why it mattered so much.
“Okay see ya!” Tanner answered and I can hear his group of friends walking away.
This is my chance.
I take a deep breath and walk the corner heading in his direction, he doesn’t notice me at first but when I finally reach him he gasps a little in surprise and shuffles uncomfortably.
” Uh.. hi.” Is the only thing he manages to say, and that was enough to make me snap.
“Amazing, just fucking amazing. You pretend to care and befriend me but the minute you see something you don’t like you ditch me just like that.” I snap my fingers in his face and he winces. “Yeah so I have eating problems, I’m not all six packs and shit, good to know that that was enough to scare you off. Asshole.” I can’t stand seeing his face anymore and I walk away. And to think I wanted to kiss that face not that long ago.
“Wait.” He finally says something but it’s too late. I just keep on walking.
” Wait!” He says again and this time I can hear him walk towards me, so I walk faster trying hard to fight the tears. I feel like such a baby, but this was just too much for me, too much pain. Now I remember what made me want to kill myself back then. Now I understand myself again.
“I said wait goddamit Dev!” He finally reaches me and grabs my arm spinning me round, I hate it how everyone is stronger then me.
“What?” I snap at him and blink away the tears.
“Wh- are you crying?”he asks confused and a sob finally escapes, “aw, Dev don’t cry,” he sighed and hugged me. “I’m so sorry I freaked out I shouldn’t have done it..”
I didn’t let out more sobs, I felt pathetic enough already. So I just nod on his shoulder feeling nice and warm in his arms.
But I forgave him, because god was I lonely. And I missed him too, I felt kinda empty without him.
“I’m so sorry Dev..” he mumbled and unwrapped his arms from me, “I forgive you,” I say weakly and wipe my face with my sweatshirt sleeve. He let’s out air, that he probably held in without noticing, clearly relieved because of my answer.
“Thank you! Okay hey look how about we hang out more, so I can make it up for you? Maybe we could go over to my house and watch a movie..?” He offers and I nod.
“Great!” He makes a little jump and smiles, his smile reminded me of Taylor’s. I missed Taylor too ugh.
I always end up getting way too attached. Stupid feelings.
After Tanner walks away to meet with his friends I decide to call Taylor, it has been a week or so since we last talked.
Ring. Come on Taylor, pick up.
Ring. Pretty please Taylor?
Ring. Fuck come on.
Leave a massage after the b-
Thank you very much Taylor for answering, I truly appreciate it. I’m just so damn thankful you know, so fucking honored that you answered, I really don’t deserve someone as freaking perfect as you to answer to someone as boring and normal as me, gee thanks.
I sighed, yayy.
I sniff and keep on walking randomly, there’s about 15 minutes left and I don’t really have anything better to do.
Pop.
I glance at my phone’s screen, you’ve got 1 unread massage,
From: Taylor Manuel
What happened?
I look at it for a while unsure what I should say, I didn’t want to sound desperate. But I just give up and type whatever I feel.
To:Taylor Manuel
I just miss you.. can we meet?
I wait a little with my thumb over the send button, and finally press.
Seen.
I wait to see the typing sign but it never comes, aw!
Thank you for answering, I just love it when I send a risky text and the other person is just like seen. I mean, its just so lovely don’t you think? We should do this more often, ya know those one sided texting things, you’re good at it so we’re fine!
I should really stop thinking, sigh.
Eventually I give up on getting an answer and just type in nevermind. Before I shut off my phone and head for my next period.
×××
“So.. we can either watch a movie, or play video games!” Tanner offers with his mouth half full, and his mother clears her throat, “close your mouth fatass, you’re killing our apatite. Poor Devin can’t even eat because of you.” She winks as me.
We’re sitting together having dinner but I told them I won’t be eating since my mum probably wants me to eat with the family. Lie.
But they don’t have to know that. However, Tanner did look a bit suspicious, as if he knows that when I’ll get home I’ll lie again saying I ate at his house. Which was true.
He just gives me a knowing look after his mother comment and turns back to his mother, “whatever women. You’re just jealous I dated more girls then you ever did.” He smirked and his mum slapped him behind his head,”you know that’s a lie you forever alone, now shut up and eat.”
I did hear that story once, Tanner’s mum was Tanner’s mother first and last girlfriend, however his mum was known for having a slut period in life. Don’t ask me how I know all that, this family sucks at figuring out what you should tell to a stranger and what not.
Wait, was I even a stranger to them, we’ve known for so long. Come to think of it..
“Hey Dev,” Tanner snaps his fingers in my face and I look up at him with a questioning look, “huh?”
“Big hero 6 or Frozen?”
“You guys can’t watch Frozen, I swear, I hear Let it go one more time and I’ll kill you both.” His mum glares at Tanner. If I didn’t know her any better I’d think she was serious.
His mums may seem mean sometimes and uncaring, but they really were amazing, they just had a really hard time showing it. They went trough hell and back when they first started dating, way before they adopted Tanner, and that’s why they were the way they are. I though, don’t know all the details of the story, so I can’t point at what exactly changed them, but there was something. Something big.
“So Big hero 6 it is!” Tanner claims after his mum finished pulling his ear and whispering threats of what she’ll do to him if he did play Frozen. Damn was she creative.
As they kept on talking through dinner I heard my phone, pop.
You’ve got 1 unread message:
From: Taylor Manuel
We could meet sometime next week, just to see how we’re both doing, but nothing more than that.
P.S You aren’t forgetting our promise right? One meal a day.
A small smile finds its way to my lips and I don’t even notice it till Tanner points it out, “did your boyfriend text you or what?”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I raise an eyebrow at him and type an answer to Taylor.
” Come!” Sometime later Tanner grabs my arm and drags me to his room, a plan of kissing him already forming in my head.
I always insisted that Mark was still my boyfriend even after his death, so I guess I was so busy that at the moment I didn’t even notice that for the first time I said I didn’t have a boyfriend.
Or that I was just planning on how to kiss another boy.
Oh god, I really was moving on, but I couldn’t decide if that was bad thing or a good thing.
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