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Summer vacation. This was going to be awesome. I had Josh with me, my job paid well and I had a car. I could go anywhere I wanted considering my mom was never here. It would be great.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked Josh as he got out of the car and leaned in from the window.
“Mhm.” He hummed, leaning in for a kiss. I gladly gave him one.
“I love you.” He told me, smiling big. “Very much.”
“I love you too, even more so.” I couldn’t stop smiling. Things were going so well.
“Just text me when you want to be picked up.” I told him as he nodded and walked into the house. I pulled off and went home to get some sleep in. Tomorrow Josh and I would be going to the beach for a date type thing. I thought it would be fun and I needed my energy if I’d be in that hot sun all day.
As soon as I got home, I showered and went to bed. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow.
—
I woke up around eight. Josh hadn’t texted me so I figured he was sleeping still.
Sighing, I got out of bed and fixed myself breakfast while I killed time and watched some Netflix.
After about an hour, I cleaned up and got dressed. I just had to wait for Josh now. He still hadn’t texted me, which was odd, but I guess it was okay. I just had to busy myself so I didn’t get too anxious.
I spent my time downstairs after I finished packing my things. That was in hopes to pass time quicker though it didn’t even work.
“Tyler.” My mom called out to me suddenly. When did she get here?
“Yeah.” I answered plainly. She met me in the living room and looked at me with guilty, sad eyes along with a visibly quivering lip.
“What?”
Silence. Worry.
“Mom, what?” I urged, standing up from the plush seat I was once in.
“I’m so sorry, Tyler.” She told me, pulling me in for a hug. I furrowed my eye brows and pushed her off of me. What the heck?
“What-” My phone rang.
Joan. It read. What the hell was going on?
“Hello?” I answered.
“Tyler?” Joan sounded small.
“Yes?” Something was way off and I didn’t like the discomfort.
“Tyler, I’m so sorry.” She said, sobbing towards the end. But it sounded like she was saying such words to herself. Like she wanted pity. I understood now.
Dropping my phone and grabbing my keys, I speedily drove to Josh’s house. I must have ran every red light there was and disregarded every stop sign but I wasn’t worried about that at the moment. Those didn’t matter. What was happening at Josh’s house mattered.
When I got there I raced up the front steps and into the house. Police cars and ambulances were scattered on the street but I ignored them.
I barged in the house and saw Joan sitting on the floor, a weeping and sniffling mess.
“What happened?!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face. Joan could barely get words out so all she did was point up the stairs where two men were carrying Josh on a gurney.
I rushed over to them and ordered them to wait as I pulled off the white sheet that laid on top of Josh’s cold, deceased body and broke down. I wouldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop crying.
“Josh!” I yelled; screamed. “Josh! What did you do?” That’s all I could ask.
“What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?” I choked on my words and my vision went blurry. I couldn’t see a thing. I don’t think I wanted to.
I didn’t want to see Josh that way anymore. I didn’t want to see his skin so pale, his smile so faded. I wanted to keep the smiling, joyful and loving image of Josh in my head. The one that told me he loved me. The one that was alive and well. I didn’t want that Josh to be ruined.
I closed my eyes and crawled over to Joan who was nearby. We held each other and cried as we watched the medics take Josh away.
After hours of sobbing, Joan and I came to a resting place. Instead, we sat there in each other’s broken company and silence. But my warmth was gone now that Josh was. I was cold. I was alone. I hated the feeling.
“I saw them.” Joan whispered. I kept my head down but asked her what she was talking about. She answered after about two minutes went by.
“The pills. The empty bottle. I saw them on the ground this morning when I went in.” She wiped her nose with her sleeve. “I- Everything was okay with him. He was doing so good. I just don’t know why…” She let out a sad chuckle as a tear rolled down the side of her face.
Immediately, I wrapped her in a hug. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t need to. Neither of us did because we understood the pain. We understood each other’s loss.
—
I didn’t go home. I didn’t have the strength to, anyways. I had cried my eyes out all I could and now the numbness was setting in, I felt like. I kept thinking about Josh. He seemed so happy lately; I don’t know what happened. I just couldn’t imagine what went through his mind before he decided to leave everything behind.
Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was I holding him back? Did he resent me? Was doing this the only way to escape and let me down easy?
All I could do was think about those things as I lifelessly laid on the warm couch. I hadn’t even moved from this place since two o’clock this afternoon. Now it was eleven. I haven’t eaten either but I couldn’t detect the hunger. My mind was too busy racing with thoughts. Thoughts I never want to cross my mind again.
—
A couple weeks passed and now the funeral would be held today. I was nervous for it but I was doing okay. I was still heartbroken but… That’s it. I was still heartbroken.
The wake was yesterday but I didn’t go. I don’t think I could sit there for two hours and look at Josh’s body like that. It was too uncomfortable. Everyone that was going would I know who I was, too. They’d feel especially bad for me and Joan and I really didn’t like the attention.
“Tyler, are you almost ready?” Joan asked. I had stayed over her house this whole time. We both needed someone and leaving her side wouldn’t be too great. She loved me just as much as Josh did.
Fixing my tie, I nodded and left with her to the church. Religion wasn’t something I practiced but it did interest me. I understood it, I just never bothered with it.
A bunch of people were already here. I had no idea Josh knew this many people. Granted it did just look like family. The pews were lined with people and whomever they brought with them as we waited for the service to start.
It didn’t go on for too long and, in no time, we were at the cemetery giving our final goodbyes and messages to Josh before truly burying him. I was a silent mess but I had to hold it together. If Joan saw me cry this much she’d start bawling. She already kind of was, actually.
When they lowered Josh down, dozens of roses were thrown in and on top of his polished, black casket. I didn’t like it. It was like people were just doing it like they were ready to go home. If you didn’t want to be here, you didn’t have to come. Josh wouldn’t have cared. He didn’t want people around that didn’t care anyways…
I stayed behind when everyone left. Joan had gone home and said she’d be cooking so dinner was done when I got back.
I sat one the ground in front of the fresh hole. I didn’t look out to it, I didn’t start praying. I just looked down, played with the grass and talked to Josh. Just like we were back in my room, or his, and laying with each other.
“You know, Joan has been real nice to me.” I started. “She’s been cooking and watching after me and making sure I’m okay. Though I think the cooking is for her benefit. I think that’s her coping mechanism. Like Kitty on That 70’s Show.” I lightly chuckled. All of this felt normal. I just wish I could really talk to him.
“I miss you, Josh. I know it’s only been a couple weeks but I missed you as soon as I found out…” A tear gently rolled down the side of my right cheek.
“I don’t know why you did what you did and I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. I just… I miss you. And I love you. And the night before you left was the last time I’ll ever hear those words again from you… That was the last time I’d ever hear anything from you…” I sniffled as someone came up behind me and tapped on my shoulder. Immediately, I stood up and fixed my myself.
“Hello, I’m Danielle Perry. You’re Tyler, aren’t you?” The woman asked. I’d seen her before. She was my mom’s and Josh’s therapist.
“Yes, hi.” I wiped my somewhat running nose and looked at her with question.
“Hi. I was just wondering if you wanted to talk to anyone. Josh was a patient of mine, as you know, and he talked about you quite a bit. I knew you’d be hurt so I wanted to offer my services.” I nodded. “Not in a sexual way, just in a therapy way. All my sessions with you will be pro bono so don’t worry about a thing.” She smiled. Her joke made me smile too. It made me feel at ease.
“Oh. Well, thank you. I’ll see. Thanks again.”
“Don’t mention it. I’ve had your mother, too. How is she?”
“I honestly couldn’t tell you. We never talk.”
“Well it’d be nice to start.” She smiled. “I’ll see you around, hopefully. Have a good day.”
After she left I stayed for another hour or so. I didn’t talk as much but I did talk. Mainly about memories and how I was just thinking about high school. Maybe I’d start homeschooling. It seemed like a better fit. I know kids would make fun of me and point me out as the sad kid who’s boyfriend died and, again, the attention was disliked and unwanted.
And maybe I’d move in with Joan. She offered a few times and my mom doesn’t have a problem with it. She just doesn’t want to handle my trust fund stuff. It doesn’t matter, it’s with my dad anyways. He can just make sure Joan is in charge of it or whatever. It’ll be fine.
I just needed some change. Now that Josh was gone, I couldn’t do the same things. I did have to hope everything would be okay though. I just had to push through it, right?
***
So this is the final chapter. There will be an epilogue about two years down the road or something, idk. Maybe about a year.
Heathens is v good.
Igh *
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