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*five months later*
Life was hectic now that everything was changing.
I decided that homeschooling was best for me considering everyone was treating me differently.
Kids either pushed me around and made fun of the fact my boyfriend killed himself, or made me to be a fragile baby and checked on me every second of the school day. All of it was exhausting and I was sick of going home crying.
Although, homeschooling wasn’t so much homeschooling. It was just school online. Regardless, I’d be home and learning. Only now my home was with Joan, too.
I moved in knowing she and I both needed the company. We liked each other too so that was a plus. Though, I do think Joan just liked cooking for someone more. She said I needed “fattening up” so I always ate the food she gave me. As long as it was good, I didn’t care and Joan made some pretty good food.
I slept in a spare room at Joan’s house. Sleeping in Josh’s would have been too much and a tiny bit weird. Though I was doing better about the whole situation rather than just laying at home in bed and not showering or eating like I did before. I was talking to Doctor Perry, Danielle – whatever, and she told me how Josh used to talk about me all the time.
Danielle even showed me some of his journal entries and my name was just littered in them. I knew Josh truly loved me then. He just had to leave for a bit; it wasn’t because of me.
—
With all that settled, I just had to start online schooling. Joan and I made the decision for me to just stay with my job and focus on school instead of paying rent to her. It was a sweet deal, honestly.
Online schooling started today. I was going through everything pretty swiftly until the English section came about. I love the course and the subject but the assignment killed me.
Welcome to the English II Section of the Eleventh Grade Online Schooling Course.
In the text space below, please write 1 literary piece, short or long, representing a loss and/or devastating pain you have felt in your life. When completed, click the ‘Submit’ button and then ‘Finish’ to complete your lessons for the day.
I know that being a writer means you dig deep and go back to your roots or whatever, but, as soon as I read that, I thought of Josh. Maybe this could help me have some peace within myself or maybe I’d write something shit and call it a day.
I wasn’t so much a slacker though so the previous offer of writing about Josh settled in me.
I thought back to the night Josh left everything and ideas buzzed in my head. Haikus about his departure, just going through our relationship, a song. They all sounded good to me but the song idea sounded best. They want emotion and a story and that’s what a song is, at its core, right?
I began typing. It was happening. I was writing this assignment about Josh and I was putting my all in. It must have taken me an hour and a half but, in time, I was finished. I had spell checked everything, made sure my commas were in place and I liked the words I chose before deciding it was done. I screenshotted the piece for my own personal use and saved it to my computer before clicking the ‘Submit’ button and finishing.
Pulling up the newly saved image, I smiled. I began to read it over and a tear played at my eye. I’d let it fall. I did let it fall. For my work was something I could never forget about. It was something to be proud of.
• • •
A Car, A Torch, A Death
A song by Tyler Joseph
The air begins to feel a little thin
As I start the car. And then, I begin
To add the miles, piled up behind me.
I barely feel a smile deep inside me.
And I begin to envy
The headlights driving south.
I want to crack the door so I can just fall out.
But then I remember
When you packed my car.
You reached in the back,
And buckled up your heart
For me to drive away with.
I began to understand why God died.
–
The demon sat there waiting on his porch.
It was a little dark so He held
A makeshift torch.
And when my car was far out of sight,
He crept in his room and stayed there for the night.
–
And then I felt chills in my bones.
The breath I saw, was not my own.
I knew my skin, that wrapped my frame,
Wasn’t made to play this game.
And then I saw Him, torch in hand.
He laid it out, what He had planned.
And then I said “I’ll take the grave. Please just send them all my way.”
I began to understand why God died.
–
The air begins to feel a little thin.
As we’re waiting for the morning to begin.
But for now you told me to hold this jar.
And when I looked inside I saw it held your heart
For me to walk away with.
I began to understand why God died.
This song is for Josh, my boyfriend who made the bold choice of suicide just a few months ago. I will forever miss and love him.
***
And fin. Yes, this story was about ACATAD all along. Josh’s death was scheduled though the events were altered all the time.
I’m gonna post a kellic next. I think it’ll be rad. Thanks bros.
Add me on sc if you want, too @ sweaty.steve
stay kewl *
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