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One
I watched as Ryo woke up. He looks over at me, and mumbles a “good morning” under his breath. He shakes his brown messy bed head back, and fourth, and sighs.
“Morning,” I said quietly. I looked over at him, hoping he would give me a kiss or a hug. Anything…..but no.
He gets up, and stretches. “Is there anything to eat?” He asks without facing me. I could only see the broad of his back. As always.
“No. I just woke up too.” I grabbed my sweater, and placed it over myself. It was a chilly morning, but me and Ryo always slept shirtless out of habit.
He yawns, and gets up. “I’ll just pick up breakfast at McDonalds or something.” He drags himself into the bathroom sheepishly.
Ryo has been distant with me. We were so in love at one point. I often wondered what happened. What did I do to make him dislike me? What did I do to him that made him not lust for me or want me anymore? It breaks my heart, but I didn’t want to confront it.
I didn’t cheat, I didn’t have feelings for another. I was faithful, but was he? He never seemed like he was having an affair. He got home at a normal time almost every night, and when he comes home from work, he was on schedule. What was it?
I ignored the devastating feeling, and went on with my day. I knew he wouldn’t care if I just left the apartment without uttering a goodbye. He used to….damn….I miss it.
~~~
I walked down the main entrance to my college. My friend Shou walked up towards me, and hands me some coffee. We alternate on weeks who will buy who coffee. Luckily this week was his coffee buying privileges.
“Thanks.” I took a hold of the hot beverage, and took a small sip to refrain from burning my tongue. That shit will be numb for an hour.
“You alright? You’ve been looking down lately. Is it that girlfriend of yours?”
Ryo, and I decided to keep our relationship a secret. We both mutually agreed that we didn’t want anyone to treat us differently due to the fact we are both men in love. Or were in love. From that point on, we referred to each other as girlfriends. Was it wrong?
“Yeah. I don’t think she is into me anymore.” I sighed. My chest tightened up, and I almost wanted to cry. I just couldn’t since I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I am a guy…why do guys have a hard time crying? Society makes us feel bad. It isn’t fair.
“What makes you think that?”
“When I leave, she doesn’t give me a kiss or hug me like before. She, and I hardly see each other. Even if we do, we don’t spend time together. I can just feel it.” I sounded like a woman in distress. I hope to god that Shou didn’t catch on.
He lets out a big sigh. “Seems to me that the love is fading. That happens sometimes. Have you tried doing something different? Maybe buy her something random, cook for her, and maybe get tickets to a concert?”
“I really don’t have the income. She is the one that is working, and I’m going to school. If anything, I feel like she would have the income, and that is embarrassing.”
Ryo wasn’t doing well in school so he decided to take a break. Instead he works at a casino, and makes a decent amount of money. He is the one paying for my tuition, and living expenses. I mainly make sure the apartment is nice, and I cook for him. Other than that, I am pretty much useless until I graduate, and get my degree to pay him back.
Maybe Ryo is tired of it. Maybe he just doesn’t want to support me anymore. I guess I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to support me either….
“Why not get a part time job? I have one. I’m working at a bakery with my aunt right now. I’m sure she will be happy to hire you.” He smiles.
I’ve never had a hand for baking. I cook, but I don’t cook extraordinary dishes or anything. I was merely an amateur.
“I never baked.”
“I can teach you. It’s pretty fun. I make cakes for my girlfriend all the time, and she loves it.”
It wouldn’t hurt to learn. I do need to make some income to balance out our duties. Maybe that will make Ryo notice me again. “Alright, I will think about it Shou. I will text you tonight.”
“Cool!” He looked cheerful. If only I was.
~~~
I saw another F on my exam. I made a fist, and almost wanted to punch my desk. Why do I keep failing? I’ve failed three exams already. I need to pass. I wanted to work in the ER as an OR assistant. I didn’t want to drop out. I wanted to do this, but my study habits weren’t up to par.
I sighed, and planted my head on the desk. I began feeling that dry, tingling feeling in my throat as if I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, and scream so bad. I wanted comfort from Ryo, but I knew I couldn’t have that. How can I tell him I am failing my most important class when he is paying for it? I felt like a failure. Maybe I will kill myself. Not like it would matter….
“Hey you okay?” Saki pokes my arm.
Saki is my classmate that I happen to talk to since we sit next to one another. She always passes her exams. I asked her for help, but she was always busy with life outside from school. How does she do it?
“I’m fine.”
“You seem down. Cheer up. You did bad again?” She frowns.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I let out a big sigh. My mood was instantly deflated.
“Maybe you should go to tutoring. They can help. I’m sorry I can’t.”
“It’s okay.”
“Everything okay with the girlfriend?”
Saki knew of my crazy lame relationship. I would always rant to her about Ryo. I felt bad, but it made me feel better after I let out my frustrations.
“Same old. I don’t think she likes me anymore….” I hated repeating these dreadful words. I am coming closer to bursting out in tears soon.
“Talk to her.” She pats my back.
“I can’t. We hardly have the time to see each other. When I am at school, she is at work until late at night.” I sighed. “During dinner, we don’t even eat at the table together.”
“Why not break it off?”
“I love her too much. I can’t imagine my life without her. She is helping me financially as bad as that sounds.”
“Did you try finding a job. Maybe that is why she is that way.”
“I am thinking about working with Shou.”
“Oh good! He makes great cakes.” She smiles. “I think it will be good for you.”
“Maybe.” I twirled my pen in my hand. It fell instantly. I can’t even do that right. Spin a damn pen.
“So how does she look like? You don’t even have her as your wallpaper?”
“Oh um she has brown long hair. She is cute.” I basically described Ryo, but in female terms. He was cute, tall, and had medium long brown hair. He is really handsome…
“Don’t you have a picture? You’ve been together for six years now.”
She is right, I’ve been with Ryo since the start of my high school years. Now I am a sophomore in college. It has been a while.
“She hates photos.” I lied.
“Shame. Tell her to take one. Or sneakily take one. I gotta see how cute she is.” She giggles.
“Haha.” I didn’t really know what to say. I would just have to find some random Japanese girl on google or something. Ryo is a pretty boy, but he doesn’t look like a girl.
“Class dismiss!” The professor calls out. I instantly packed my things, and ran straight out.
“Wait!” Saki takes a hold of my backpack. “Do you mind giving me a ride home? I don’t have a meeting today, and I don’t feel like waiting. I know you get picked up.” She looked desperate.
Damn it! I didn’t want to give anyone rides since Ryo is the person that picks me up. I never told anyone who picked me up. What will he say if she asked him who he is…? I was scared.
“Umm I’m not too sure. My cousin is a grouch.” I came up with a quick lie. Ryo looked nothing like me, and he was half Caucasian so I definitely didn’t look like him.
“I don’t live too far. I will even give you money.” She holds out her wallet.
“No it isn’t that…” I sighed. I couldn’t just leave her. She always waited for me even when she had every right to go home.
“Then what?” She blinks.
“Fine, come on.” I gave in. I would have felt extremely bad if I didn’t give her a ride home.
“Thanks a bunch!” She links her arms with mine. “Let’s go bud!” She marches happily towards the exit.
“I hate only taking one class.” I sighed as we walked.
“If you can’t afford then that should give you more of a reason to get a job.” She sticks out her tongue.
“Yeah, you are right.”
I wasn’t thinking much of it, but I noticed her arms were still linked with mine. If I really had a girlfriend, wouldn’t this be wrong? What would Ryo think if he saw this? He probably won’t care would he?
I saw we were approaching the front, and I saw Ryo on his phone in his mini silver car. I walked up, and knocked on his window. Our eyes met, and he looks over at Saki confusingly.
I saw he was rolling down the window. I poked my head in. “This is my friend Saki. She needs a ride home. She doesn’t live that far from the apartment.”
“Okay.” He unlocks the doors, and we went to sit in the back.
“Nice to meet you.” She smiles. “You must be the cousin.”
I couldn’t see his expression since his back was towards us. I could see his eyebrow rise from the rear view mirror. “Cousin?” He said under his breath.
“Yes.” She chuckles. I’m assuming you live close by too.”
“I do.”
I prayed that he won’t disclose that we lived together. I’ve been telling Saki that my girlfriend lives with me. I was practically holding my breath the whole time they spoke.
~~~
When Saki was dropped off home, I went to sit in the front. I felt that strange sensation. I knew he was going to say something to me. I just wished it was something I wanted to hear.
“So now I am your cousin huh?” He says as he starts driving.
“I’ve been telling her that I’ve been living with my girlfriend. What kind of lie could I have made?”
“A better one. Maybe a friend instead.”
“But a cousin is more likely to pick me up every time I go to school.”
“I suppose.” He shrugs.
“You are working until midnight again?” I wanted to start a conversation. It felt so hard now. Before we would talk non-stop. Now it is just…..depressing.
“Yeah. Don’t bother waiting up for me. I will just eat at the casino.”
“Okay.” I looked out the window. I saw couples on benches, kids playing, and animals eating. It wasn’t fair. How come this earth is so beautiful yet I feel like a disaster?
“Isn’t your tuition due soon?” He said.
My heart crumbled. I am failing my only class. I only had school to worry about, and I couldn’t even do that right. “Y-yeah. By the end of Friday.”
“I will write you a check when I get home.”
“You sure?”
“I mean…you wouldn’t want the late fee right?”
“I guess not.” I slouched down. I looked over to Ryo. His hair was always so windy looking, and beautiful. He could be a model, and me..I’m just plain. His body was so beautiful, and his voice was soothing. I love him…but why isn’t this working?
I decided to bring up the job. Maybe that will spark his mood or want for me. “So Ryo, Shou offered me a job at the bakery with his aunt. I might take it so I can pay for my schooling as well.” I peeked up to see his reaction, but he didn’t seem amazed.
“That’s good. Good luck.”
Aren’t you proud of me?!
Why won’t you congratulate me like before?!
Why can’t you hug, and kiss me like back then?!
What did I do wrong?!
How can I make you happy?!
I frowned, and looked away immediately. I didn’t want him to catch a glimpse of me looking upset. “Thanks…” I mumbled.
Ryo pulls up to the curb. “See you later I guess.” He says as he pushes the unlock button on his side of the door.
I opened the door, and stepped out. I wished he would have pulled me back, and kissed me, but nothing. We hadn’t kissed each other in months…..
“See you later.” I shut the door gently, and walked up to the apartment door. I took out my dangling keys, and unlocked the door. I slightly looked back to see his car was gone. He doesn’t even stay until I am in the apartment like back then. Maybe I am overdramatic. Then again, I noticed every little thing.
~~~
I texted Shou to tell him I will take the job. I set my phone down on the couch, and turned on the tv, and took out my school books. Time to do this homework. I heard my phone buzz, and saw Shou had gotten back to me. I read the text, and confirmed that I had work on Wednesday after school. Sounds good. Today is Monday so I had time to mentally prepare for this job.
This would be my first job. I was spoiled by my parents until I met Ryo. He basically became my parents. My parents moved out to the states, and I chose to stay behind. I didn’t want to ask them for money anymore. Now I depend on Ryo which isn’t much better.
I took out my laptop, and went online to do my coursework. I hated the homework. All I did was search up the answers on google. Maybe that is why I am failing. My motivation was gone. Maybe if Ryo would love me again, I might do better.
No…I can’t depend on a person to help me achieve success. That isn’t right. It just would be a bonus if he cared for me like the way I care for him.
I started speeding through my assignment to get those dirty horrid thoughts out of my system.
~~~
I ate dinner alone. The house was quiet. I turned on the tv, and soap operas were playing on the television. I lowered the volume to enjoy the minimal background noise.
I looked at the clock. It was 11:30. Almost midnight. Ryo won’t be home until 12:30 since it was about a thirty minute drive from his work to our apartment.
Ryo always came home on time. He isn’t seeing anyone. So what is it? Is it because I’m a guy, and that a relationship for the long term wouldn’t work out? If that as the case, why hasn’t he confronted me about it?
Maybe he has a secret online girlfriend? Maybe he feels obligated to be with me since he is already paying for my tuition. Maybe when my semester is over, he will bail….
“Nnnnmhhhg!” I started crying in my sleeve. I felt pathetic. I need him more than he thinks.
I wasn’t the unpopular kid in school. I was pretty average. It was Ryo that was the popular one that all the girls would swoon over. He just happened to choose me in the end when he was straight.
I wouldn’t say I am fully gay either. I had my fair share of girlfriends, but he just stood out. We were just two straight men that happened to fall for each other.
I was always so tough, and manly on the exterior back in the day. I would work out, go to sporting events, and had spiky hair. I was trying my hardest to be the manliest man I could ever be.
That is until I met Ryo, and toned it down a lot. I remembered he would laugh, and said I tried too hard, and that it made me look stupid. I grew my hair out a bit, and stopped hardcore working out. I was still built enough to win a fist fight, but I have chilled down quite a bit.
Ryo was the complete opposite of me. He was more feminine looking if I had to say. No…more so the pretty boy type that didn’t have to workout to impress the girls. They just flock around him naturally whereas I had to work my ass off to even get one to notice me.
He told me he loved me deeply. We were so in love. We did everything together. We would walk, talk, shower, and spend our free days together. I didn’t even notice when he started to drift. It was only last year he began acting different, and distancing himself from me. No explanation, and it gradually got worse too.
I thought at one point he was sick, and dying so he didn’t want to get close. You know, just in case I would grieve too much. However, he seemed perfectly fine, healthy, and normal so that was out of the picture.
I couldn’t find out why he just chose to die on me slowly. I was too scared to ask. I was too afraid to bring it up, and feared he will break it off on the spot. I would bawl my eyes out if he did that.
I didn’t want to imagine someone else having him, kissing him, spoiling him, cooking for him, and just having the luxury of calling him their boyfriend. The thought made me cry even more.
Maybe my sex wasn’t good enough? We hadn’t done it in months. I would always try to indicate I wanted to do it, but he never looks or pays attention to me. When he would come home from work, he went straight to bed. On the days he has off, he would sleep the whole day or go out to hang out with his friends.
Maybe that is it! His new lover is with him on the weekend when he has his day offs. Should I follow him? Maybe that is too much? I didn’t know what to do. My heart says to trust him, but my brain says to follow him, and expose him.
I looked up to the clock, and saw it was already 12:00. I was thinking for that long? This is what happens. I try to sum up or brainstorm ways of why Ryo is acting the way he is, and I end up wasting time thinking, and not studying. I am a failure.
I guess all I can do now is wait for him to come home. I went to get myself a snack from the refrigerator. I noticed a note, and envelope on the table. It had “tuition money” written on it. I took the note next to it, and read it. “I left the tuition money in a check. It’s in the envelope.” Ryo must have written it early on.
I took it, and placed it in my pocket. I felt bad. I am stealing away a huge chunk of his paycheck. I hope this job would help me pay him back somehow.
~~~
12:30 rolled around, and Ryo came through the door on time as usual. He looks surprised at me. “Why are you still awake? Don’t you have classes tomorrow morning?”
“Yeah, but I wanted to greet you.”
He looked confused. “Why? We live together.”
“Something nice to do since we don’t really talk. Thanks for the tuition money. I will pay you back when I start the job.”
“Alright. Thanks.” He sets his bag down on the rack.
“Did you eat?”
“Already did.”
“Okay.” I felt the awkwardness again. Why doesn’t he talk to me?
“Are you going to sleep?” He asked. My heart sparked a bit. This was a surprised that he would extend the conversation.
“Soon. Hey..Ryo..” I was hesitant, and my voice squeaked a bit.
“Yeah?”
“Are we still dating?” I felt my breath shortening. I was so nervous asking such a simple question.
“I guess, yeah.”
“Okay, I just wanted to hear you say it.” I looked down.
He looked uncomfortable for a split second, and then walked towards the kitchen. “I need to buy us more food. The fridge is getting low on food.”
I got agitated. Why doesn’t he talk about us? Was I wrong to sum up all these thoughts? Doesn’t everyone feel this way? Don’t we all feel like we are alone when our significant other stops giving us the attention we do craved?
“Whatever.” I started walking up the stairs, and leaving him in the kitchen. It felt wrong, but I had nothing to say. I won’t prolong a conversation that was dead from the get go. It wasn’t happening.
I set my alarm on my cellphone, and laid in bed. I snuggled up in the cold blanket, waiting for it to heat up from my body warmth. It felt comfortable, but I felt guilty for enjoying life’s simplicities since I was failing school. Failing school is failing life. I am terrible….
I soon felt another body lay next to me. I knew Ryo wouldn’t make any type of conversation after that. I knew it all along. I kept having this crying sensation every time. It was getting worse by the day. Whenever he doesn’t speak to me when I am upset, it just tears me apart.
I hugged the blanket tightly, and faced away from him. I don’t want him to know I am this upset. I don’t want him to know I just want him so badly. I felt too weak. It would only drive him farther away from me. I shut my eyes tightly, and felt the tears. I just tried my absolute best to fall asleep that night so I could wake up tomorrow in the early morning.
To Be Continued
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