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A Suga x J-hope story…
I paced front and back outside the restaurant. In actual fact, I had reached two hours before the scheduled time but have not yet enter the room. Attending friend gatherings should be an exciting event, especially when I had been with them for almost ten years before spilting. But I’m feeling nervous instead, hella nervous, my heart is gonna stop any moment.
And no, Bangtan did not disband, we just…had our own matters to deal with.
Some went to serve the military service; some tried out acting; and some became top-notch producers aka me.
I looked at the clock on my phone and it showed 7.15 pm and I am fifteen minutes late technically. “Everybody should be there by now…” I thought as I bit my fingers without realising.
My phone had been vibrating since forever, and those were messages from Jimin, asking if I’m still at home asleep or if I forgot this annual Bangtan gathering. Finally decided not to drag anymore, I took a deep breath before entering the restaurant, and straight to the private room at the extreme end.
Not gonna deny, my hands were trembling when I held onto the door grip. Pushing the door open seemed like a even tougher task than waking up. I could already hear chattering and laughters. Peeking through a small gap, I could easily see the numbers of head – exactly six, just waiting for me.
“Suga hyung!” Jimin shouted as soon as I stepped into the room. Other members turned to welcome me too, with smiles on their faces, including…him. I nodded slightly before walking to the only empty seat. Inhaling a deep breath to calm myself down only to find who was sitting directly opposite me. It was him. I gazed at him for quite sometime, not knowing how weird I was.
Gonna admit, he looked pretty good in that outfit today. A simple grey tee with a baseball jacket over, together with jeans, he looked hella hot. His hairstyle did not change much, similar to how he was one year along when we met.
Okay okay, eyes, turn away…turn away…
And by now, he too noticed that uncomfortable stare on him. He slowly looked up from his plate and oops, we made eye contact, for less than a second before swinging our heads away to four corners of the room.
The chattering continued, with Namjoon and Jimin initiating conversations while the others join in. Looking straight in front was a no-no; and I can’t possibly turn to sides the entire time. Yea, food was pretty good, for which I spent the majority of the time staring at the slice of golgi on my dish.
“So Yoongi hyung, how’s things going on with you and your girlfriend?” Jimin asked from the other end of the table.
Instantly, I sent him a death stare upon hearing the sensitive word ‘girlfriend’. Is he that dumb to not know that relationship questions should be out-of-bound especially when my ex is also in this room, listening to this conversation and freaking sitting in front of me right now.
Clearly Hoseok heard that question too, and ‘coincedentially’ drop his chopsticks and drew everybody’s attention to him.
My eyes darted here and there, trying to make this situation less awkward but what can I do especially when Jin hyung, who is sitting beside me, is influencing me with all the awkwardness he accumulated in his entire life!
And still, probably still lack some, not ALOT of brain cells, my dear brainless Jimin added fuel to the fire by saying, “so hyung, planning to marry her any time soon?”
“No,” I replied firm and (trying be) calm, before exhaling a breath, “no relationships Q&A today Jimin.”
By then, everybody, and hopefully Jimin, had recalled what happened few years back and how insensitive the question was.
Okay, let’s do some time travel. I dated Hoseok few years ago, when we were on our hiatus from singing. Everything happened so naturally, with me confessing my feelings to him and him accepting it the day after. The relationship was kept among the members and all of them gave us their sincere blessings.
We lasted for two years until when I received the letter to go for my military service. I don’t even remember us breaking up, it just happened so naturally, like how we got together. I asked him to find someone better than me and don’t waste his time waiting for me. I wished him all the best before enlisting into the army without saying our last goodbye.
Stupid me thought that I would probably not see him ever again aka awkward situation avoided, but genius Namjoon had to suggest holding a Bangtan gathering annually. Of course I went every year – what’s Bangtan without me right? – and he, went too.
We always avoid talking about that short sweet period of ours, and the other members were also considerate enough to buzz about other things like…gossips, except for this year. I swear I’m gonna have a one-to-one talk with Jiminie and educate him on what is privacy.
Except that short awkward period in between, the gathering went out fine – us catching up on one and another’s life, Kookie and Jin hyung even opened up a lamb kebab restaurant!!
As usual, Namjoon foot the bill – duty of a leader. He’s the only one who earns six-digit per month as a producer, he’s the perfect guy to open his wallet.
At this moment, Hoseok walked up to me. Being the slightlyyy taller one, he placed his mouth near my ear and whispered, “are you free later, hyung?”
I raised my eyebrows and stared at him in shock. He finally spoke to me directly after so many years and is he asking me out now?!? There were so many questions flooding my mind, but my slightly opened mouth can only reply a short “ne”.
And now, walking side by side under the night light along Han River, the atmosphere is a little awkward, yet feeling a little excited inside. Both of us did not open our mouth, simply enjoying the night scene and cool breeze in silence – relaxing enough.
I was waiting for him to start a conversation, since he was the one who initiated this alone time with me, but he didn’t.
The back of our hands would touch occasionally and he obviously did not pull it back, neither did I. Trying hard to stop the urge to grab his hands, I dare not look down, trying my very best to control my affection for him.
We were walking closer as time passes, with the back of our hands now literally sticking onto each other. Like me, he wasn’t feeling comfortable about that little skinship.
“Watch out!” Hoseok shouted as he pulled me aside, making way for the approaching bicycle. I stared at him intently, he finally said something but immediately closed his mouth after that.
“Are we gonna to the other end of the river like that? In silence?” I asked.
“A-aniyo.”
“Should we…get a seat or something?”
He nodded and pointed to the bench nearby. There were nobody around now except for us – the perfect location for us to talk. Again, I waited for him to talk but he didn’t. He was clearly nervous, biting his lips and playing with his fingers continuously.
“So…” I broke the silence, “how’s life?”
He turned to look at me, before turning back in front and sighed, “Not good.”
“Wae yo?”
“Just…having trouble with my heart.”
“Care to share?”
“I…just can’t forget about him, after so many years.”
“Him…the jerk who left you and went into the army?”
“Ne. He is a jerk, but I still…have feelings for him.”
“He doesn’t deserve your love Hoseok.”
“Is he doing fine now? I heard that he got a girlfriend.”
“You don’t need to know Hoseok, he doesn’t deserve your concern, he just want you to find your happiness.”
“But what can I do when I left my heart, my happiness and my love with him?” He stared at me, with so much pain emitting from his eyes.
And I could clearly hear my heart tearing apart. After all these years, I didn’t know I actually brought him so much pain and suffering. Who am I to break his heart? Why is he still in love with such a jerk like me?
I reached out for his face and caressed it gently. “I’m sorry for leaving you Hoseok,” I whispered before pulling him for a hug.
Closing my eyes to remember this moment, I could feel him hugging back. I tightened the hug around his body as I recalled every bits and pieces of memories we spent together. It was the most beautiful moment of my life I swear.
“Yoongi hyung,” he uttered, “can we-“
Suddenly, my phone rang. It was my natural reaction to pull out my phone from my pocket. It was from…my girlfriend. Hoseok saw it too, and immediately broke the hug and retreated to his original position.
“You- you should go back hyung,” he sighed. It was filled with so much unwillingness and pain, I could feel it, yet, this incapable me simply sat there and watch him walk away.
I quickly reject the call but Hoseok had already distanced himself from me.
“Kajima,” I shouted, “please don’t leave.”
Hoseok stopped walking but he didn’t turned back. “Bye, hyung,” he said.
“Please,” I continued, “I don’t wanna say goodbye. I don’t wanna end this here. I don’t wanna go back to us being ‘friends’ who doesn’t talk to each other.
I saw how he just stopped in his track, a good sign I would say.
I continued, “Please Hoseok, don’t leave me. I should have said it few years back and I seriously regret it. I shouldn’t have leave you and I’m not making the same mistake right now again. Hoseok…”
I walked towards him and turned him around. His eyes were red, he looked hurt, very hurt.
“Why- why are you crying?” I reached out to wipe his tears.
“Aishh! Yea why am I even crying?” he smiled, obviously forced and shrugged his shoulders, “I’m probably just…too tired.”
“Don’t do this to me Hoseok, it really breaks my heart.”
“Stop hyung, stop. I love you hyung, even when you left me, I still had feelings for you, up till now. But you know what, life is a joke! If you weren’t attached, I would have hold you so tightly just now and win you back. But no, you have a girlfriend hyung, you have a girlfriend waiting at home for you and I don’t wanna be the third party.”
“We broke up,” I confessed, “months ago.”
“MWO?!?”
“I let her down. There’s already someone important in my heart, irreplaceable. I thought I could forget about him and start a relationship with her but I was wrong. I let her down but she didn’t blamed me. She wanted me to find my own true happiness and now I am…here…so close to my happiness and I’m not gonna let it pass by me ever again.”
“Jin…ja?”
I nodded my head profusely, “come here,” I cried as I spread my arms wide. Of course, he fell into my embrace, burying his face in my neck. My lips curved upwards as I ruffled his hair, “I miss you Hoseok.”
“Hyung…is it…is this really happening?”
“What’s happening?”
“Us being together…is it really coming true?”
“Of course it is! Want me to pinch you to wake up from your dream??”
“ANIYO!! Just…I just can’t believe such an unexpected thing is happening on me. I just scared…there will always be something bad occurring when I’m feeling the most beautiful moment of my life.”
“You’re right, there is something bad that’s gonna happen.”
“Ne?!?”
“You will know when we go back…home.”
“Who’s home?”
“Mine of course, I have a big bed,” I smirked and gave him a wink.
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