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I had no way to conceive time so I can’t say how many minutes/hours/days later I heard the voices, but they came.
Erebus Mallory Morgenstern. My name. You have slain another human’s soul. You have squandered your second opportunity at life, your chance to wash away your past demons and be human.
I know. I thought miserably. I wasn’t going to open my mouth and speak. I needed permission first, and in fact it was considered an honour to even be in the presence of one of the Prodigious Justices. I knew all of this because they were the ones who judged me, and declared I was sinful enough to get a second chance. See, they didn’t give us second lives out of pity. They did it as an experiment. Could the worst of the worst survive and even succeed in a new human life? Could they be cured? Obviously not. I thought. The voice spoke again.
You committed the unspeakable crime in your last existence, one even I shant mention. You have failed life both times and now it is time for your penance.
Please. I thought. I never thought I’d want humanity, morality, and mortality so bad. Begging was beneath me but I would beg, I would beg for Drew. I would do anything to be back there. Please.
A court will be held to determine your sentence. You will have time to defend yourself and then the choice will be made.
I waited for the voice to say when. It didn’t. So I waited for a while longer. After an indefinite amount of time I began let myself reflect. When the Justices had given me a second life I knew they expected me to fail, I knew I couldn’t change myself but I was willing to have a go. I knew my memories of my old life would fade, and I welcomed that. Those memories hurt and I wouldn’t ever think about them again. This life mattered to me now, Drew mattered to me and I would defend him and myself in court. I barely understood why I cared about this boy so much, but I couldn’t deny the tingling of every single atom in my body that wanted to be with him, that wanted him, everything to do with him. I wanted to see him and touch him and hear his laugh. I wanted to do everything right with him. I wanted to learn Drew, I wanted to know everything about him and I wanted to protect him and love him even after he didn’t want me anymore.
I would wait. I would wait for them to sentence me. I would defend myself well. I would have my humanity back, and I would take my punishment if I had to. I swear to myself I will do this. And then if I were ever let back to earth I would know if Drew was alive, and I would apologize to him.
Time stretched out and after what felt like decades my vow to wait and take my punishment patiently was forgotten. The voices haven’t spoken to me since and the weight of not knowing what my sentence is, how much time had passed, if Drew was alive, was tormenting me. Every second of every moment, I was losing my mind. The darkness, the nothingness. I slept and I cried and I screamed and I felt like I ceased to exist. The thoughts over and over: Was he alive? Was I alive? When would I see light again?
And the darkness, the not seeing made it hard to believe anything existed anymore. It made me doubt reality. I was forgetting who I was and why I was here. Slowly. Slowly. I screamed.
“Give me my sentence!” “I don’t care anymore, just kill me!” “Let me go! Just give me light!” “Please! Please I beg!”
“Tell me if he’s alive just TELL ME!” I cried and I raged. I began to think I was my namesake. Erebus, devourer of like and god of darkness. How ironic, I thought.
And now, only now the voice spoke again. At first I thought it was a figment of my fevered wild imagination. But I had to accept the voice was real. For my sake.
You will now be trialed. Defend your right to live now.
Then a small light appeared above me, like a tiny star. It brought hope, and even though the dim light burned my eyes it reminded me of my street on earth. The prodigious judge expected me to defend my right to live. Well I would do that. I spewed my soul out, I spoke about Drew mostly, and how I had changed and why I deserved to live. I poured everything I had out. And I think it worked. After the judge told me I would go back to earth I didn’t hear anything else. He told me my punishment would be lessened majorly but I would still have to do time in the darkness. So once the voice had gone I waited.
They must have felt some pity because they left the light. I was so grateful for that light. And this time I didn’t go mad, I waited. I thought about everything. I still didn’t regret what I did to Michael and I guess that was never going to change, in some ways I really couldn’t change my ways. I thought about what I would say to Drew, every single word of apology and relief I would give. Though lingering around my thoughts like a wolf stalking prey was still: What if he wasn’t alive? My thoughts on that were dark, very dark. And I always brushed them away with reassurances that he must be ok. So I waited for my sentence to end.
It took so, so long.
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