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CHAPTER 19:
Every inch of my body ached. I felt like I had tumbled down a hill, bruising my whole body on the way down. And I deserved it.
I deserved every second of pain. I deserved every ounce of rejection. Noah avoided me as if I had the plague. The distance he kept between us was just far enough that I could still somewhat feel his presence and that made my heat addled body burn in distaste. I needed Noah beside me… but I didn’t deserve him.
I knew when I made the decisions I did, that I would be giving Noah up. I had actively chosen to betray him every chance I got. In the moment, I felt justified. Now, I could only wonder how it never really crossed my mind to wonder how Noah might feel. Was I that selfish? I hadn’t ever thought so before, but the proof was in the pudding.
I had related myself to Nico every step of the way, but wasn’t I more like Nile? Stubborn, selfish, and hurtful. Noah… I was so certain I would hate him forever. I was sure he was irredeemable. Yet here I was, practically in tears that Noah couldn’t be bothered to give me the time of day.
I had a duty to my people. It was the only fact I acknowledged for years… but what duty did I have to my mate? I didn’t know. How badly had I messed up?
“Micah? Ama called. Did you- oh. You okay?” Nico entered the room, pausing when he saw me glaring at a wall. “What are you doing?”
“Noah was upstairs and when I went to talk to him, he jumped out of the window.” I explained, turning to look at Nico. “He jumped out of a second story window… to get away from me.”
“Well, that explains Ama’s call.” He sighed, coming to sit beside me on Noah’s couch. “She was in tears. Apparently, someone called the event planner and pushed the bonding ceremony as far back as possible… to Aphelion.”
“He’s so mad, Nico. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.” I admitted aloud.
“Ama and Apa always said it’s surprising what a mate could forgive.” Nico recited, grabbing my hand reassuringly. “If you could forgive him for everything… I really think he could forgive you for this.”
“He won’t even speak to me.” I whimpered. “He pushed the ceremony.”
“At least he didn’t cancel it.” Nico mumbled.
“I doubt they would let him.”
“You’re very negative.” Nico sighed.
“Because you were right. About everything. I-“
“Last night… I produced Ambrosia.”
“What?” I was snapped out of my internal pity party. “How? When?”
“Von kissed me.” Nico sounded sad as he spoke. “I had been outside with Nile’s wolf and… and Von called me inside because it was getting cold and I hesitated. I don’t know why, but… but then Von turned me and he kissed me… it was… it was nice. And then Nile’s wolf went berserk and attacked Von and I got tossed to the side and… and when I sat up to look at them it just kind of… came out.”
“You’re kidding.” I gasped. “So… what does that mean? Nile is-“
“That’s the thing… I wasn’t looking at Nile.” Nico blushed, turning his face away from me. “And… and when Von helped me up…”
“What?” I asked when Nico hesitated so long I thought he might just drop it.
He sighed, turning to look at me with cheeks as red as tomatoes. “He smelled it.” Nico whispered, as if the information was a secret. “I- I think. I don’t know how, but… he started sniffing my throat, telling me I smelled good. He figured it out in like a second.”
“How is that possible?” I asked. “Von has a mate.”
“I know.” Nico nodded, his frown deepening. “And now he thinks he’s really my mate. He wants me to take him to drink from the stream.”
“What did you say?”
“No of course!” Nico cried. “We have no idea how the stream works, if at all… it could ruin his life… or worse. He could die.” Nico covered his face with his hands. “It’s not worth the risk.”
“And he’s okay with that?”
Nico uncovered his face to glare at me. “Of course not. He’s insisting he’s right and that there’s no risk at all. He’s hurt I have any doubt, which is unfair since we both have other mates and the odds of him dying over this and leaving me alone-“
“You’re falling in love with him.”
“What?”
“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be so conflicted.” I pointed out. “Loving makes simple decisions hard.”
“How is this a simple decision?”
“Because he drinks from the stream and he either is confirmed as your mate or… he passes away, but maybe that wouldn’t be so terrible. His mate rejected him-“
“Go talk to Noah.” Nico stood up, pulling me up with him. “Go find him and work this out.”
“What? We were talking!”
“Micah, you need to go to your mate.” Nico insisted, grabbing my face in his hands and forcing me to look into his eyes. “And once you do, I want you to ask yourself if you’d knowingly gamble his life away just to make things simple.”
———————-
It wasn’t too hard to find Noah.
My body called to him. It was as if he were a homing beacon and I had no choice but to obey. I walked into the woods, retracing the steps I knew he had taken. I hurried, desperate not to give him any chance to run away. When I reached the edge of the caves I had taken him to before, I hesitated. He was just inside, now trapped as I stood in the entrance, but nervousness overtook me.
What could I say?
“Why are you hesitating?” I almost jumped out of my skin, shocked as Noah walked to the entrance. “You followed me all this way. Don’t you have something to say?”
“I do.” I insisted, immediately defensive although his tone was hardly rude. He seemed curious and a bit frustrated, but mostly sad. “I want to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean?” I frowned. “Because… it’s important.”
“Micah… I know. I know, okay?” Noah sighed, walking back into the cave. After a second, I followed him in.
“I want to explain.” I spoke, hearing my hesitant voice echo off the cavern walls.
“You don’t need to explain.” Noah insisted, taking a seat by the stream like the first time I brought him here. “I don’t blame you, Micah. I’ve told you. Everything that has happened is my own doing.”
“But you’ve been avoiding me.” I pointed out, sitting beside him.
“The truth is… I’ve been avoiding you all this time.” Noah looked at me, watching as my face twisted in confusion. “Up until now… I’ve separated myself from the person I was before. The man that hurt you and the man that wanted to love you… I thought of them as two separate people. I tried to take responsibility like that, but I only made myself a martyr in my own head. I was paying for the actions of someone I wasn’t anymore. That’s how I thought of it, but the reality is… I am the person who hurt you. All the things that made you hate me… I did them and instead of trying to understand how you might feel, I’ve avoided really having to face reality. I thought if I started over, one day I could redeem myself, but to start over would be to wash away all the feelings you rightfully deserve to have. I’ve forced you into this every step of the way. You told me, earnestly, that you would never forgive me and I foolishly insisted you must. I… I know sorry doesn’t even begin to cut it. All I can do now is give you what you want. I’ll keep my distance and-“
“You still don’t understand.” I cut him off. “You assume too much.”
“Assume? I-“
“Noah, I love you.” I blurted out. “I don’t exactly know why, but I do. You didn’t force that on me. No one forces things on me. I am not weak. I am much stronger than anyone seems to realize.”
“The goddess made that choice for you.”
“To hell with the goddess and her choices!” I snapped. “Noah, I was going to kill you. I had no qualms about it. I didn’t care what the goddess thought. The goddess makes messes and we have to clean them up. That’s how I felt. You’re right when you say you’ve really hurt me and that can’t be washed away, but it was my own will to forgive you. I didn’t do it because the goddess made me. I forgave you because I began to understand you… and I believe you when you tell me you regret it. Yes, we are bound together by fate, by biology… but none of that ever mattered to me. I want you, Noah, as my mate, but being alpha… this and that are two separate things.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand.” Noah chuckled sadly, dropping his face into his hands. “I don’t understand how you could love me and lie to me. You told me you believed in me. If it’s not what i’ve done to you, then what is it? Am i just not strong enough? Am i-“
“I do believe in you.” I insisted, pulling his hands from his face and forcing him to look at me. “Noah… i’ve been unfair to you. I see that now. I’ve treated you… like a child, insisting you couldn’t possibly understand. It’s insulting and it’s the reason you are so confused. The truth is… the past is forgiven and it has nothing to do with how I feel now. I went back and forth a lot, wondering if I could hand over my alpha title to you. You were honest, earnest, and eager to learn. You showed respect for my opinions and so… I felt like I could give up the title. I trained my whole life for it but I believed in you… that you could do it.”
“So what changed?”
“You want a war.” I admitted. “And I could never let that happen.”
“I thought we discussed this. I told you-“
“No. No, I’m still talking, Noah.” I continued. “Instead of agreeing to disagree I should have kept talking. I should have tried to make you understand. I’ve worked my whole life for this. Nico and I spent years deciding a course of action. We spent countless hours researching and… Noah, if we wage war we’ll die.”
“What?”
“Statistically, we just aren’t strong enough to beat the sun kingdom army. It takes two to three wolves to fight one dragon… and don’t even get me started on blood angels. If it were a battle of fists we would lose. The only hope we’d ever have is to keep having children over and over because we reproduce faster than they do. Hell, blood angels and vampires can’t reproduce at all. Our best bet would be to attack over and over again, slowly dwindling their numbers and killing countless wolves in the process… children… it would be an army of child soldiers and not even that could guarantee a victory. They are stronger than us.” I gripped his hands tighter. “Our only salvation is to live and let live. 90% of recorded battles are instigated by moon kind. 90%! The truth is, we are fighting a losing battle. This world… we’re lucky to have any land on it at all. We need to broker peace, for the good of the world, but especially for us because we are alive only because they allow it. That is the reality of our situation.”
“But-“
“The research is there if you don’t believe me, but I hope you can. I should have just told you the truth, but I was motivated by something stronger than love… and that is fear. Fear for my pack, my family… fear for you. I have just come to love you. I can’t just lose you now.”
Noah stared at me, his expression unreadable. “I am not afraid.” he finally sighed.
“Then you are either foolish or ignorant.”
“I’m neither.” he countered, pressing his palm to my cheek. “I just know that I will protect you. So I am not afraid.”
“Noah-“
“I’m strong, Micah.” Noah insisted. “Believe me.”
“I believe you.”
“You don’t. Not yet.” He gave a sad chuckle again, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. “Being with you… it makes me strong. Every second of every day makes me stronger, more resolved.”
I wanted him to kiss me. I was certain. I looked up at him beneath my eyelashes, trying to will him to make a move. I felt my eyes beginning to flutter closed, just as Noah’s hand left my cheek. I opened my eyes, a bit miffed at the change in atmosphere. “Seriously?”
“What?”
“What’s so wrong with me? Why won’t you kiss me?” I blurted out, tired of having held it in for so long. “Why don’t I have any affect on you at all?”
“Are you crazy? Of course you affect me.” Noah cried. “You always affect me. For fuck sake, Micah, the suppressants never worked for me.”
“What? What are you talking about?” I questioned. “You always act so unbothered. You resist like it’s not even hard.”
“I resist because I respect you, micah, not because I don’t feel it.” Noah asserted. “You are… pure and clean and… and i’m ashamed of how I think about you.”
“How do you think?”
“I want to dirty you! I want to-” Noah cut off, clearly not having planned to share that information. “Sorry, I-“
“Do it.” I commanded, ignoring his attempt to change the subject. “I want you to make me dirty.”
“Micah!” He covered his face again. “Don’t say things like that.”
“Why not?” I whined. “We’re mates. It’s natural.”
“You deserve better than that, Micah.” Noah insisted. “You are… the most precious thing to me. I want to cherish you.”
“You did it with others.” I finally sighed. “But you won’t make any move on me and… it makes me feel inadequate. I hate it. I don’t want to be cherished, i want to be desired!”
“I did not desire any of those people!” Noah admitted. “My father insisted on it! He insisted it would make me a man and make me more valuable as a partner! I… I thought I would never have anyone… I thought I was all alone in this world and so I filled the hole my father created in me. You are everything to me, Micah. When I saw you in that field… I knew desire for the first time in my life. Real desire. I vowed to myself to protect you, to cherish you and I meant it. I will restrain myself, Micah, because that is what you deserve. The first time I lay a hand on you, it will be to signify the bond we have for the rest of our lives.”
“You’re stubborn.” I groaned. “No one asked you to take this so seriously.”
“I take it seriously for you.”
Looking into his eyes was like wrapping myself in a blanket. It was comforting and warm. I felt as if in his eyes I was home. “Will you kiss me at least?”
“Micah-“
“I want my first kiss to be between just us. No one else deserves the memory.” I mumbled, looking down at my knees. “I want to feel the depths of your feelings… so I can understan-“
I felt a hand beneath my chin, tilting my face up. Before I could close my eyes, soft pillowy lips were pressed against mine. It was soft and not at all as urgent as I had expected. His lips pressed against mine as if we had thousands of years together left. There was no rush. The gentle pressure lulled my eyes closed.
And much too soon, it was over. Noah pulled away and my eyes blinked open, adjusting back to the dim cavern. “You will understand the depths of my feelings one day, but for now just know that I love you.”
Simple.
That’s what this was.
Loving Noah could be simple because love was inherently simple. It didn’t require an explanation or justification. It just was. Fighting was what made it hard. As I thought this, I looked down into the thin glowing stream, and realized that it too was simple. “Hey Noah, do you happen to have a water bottle?”
——————-
“Micah, what are you guys doing here so late?” Nico groaned, rubbing his eyes as he opened his front door. “You know it’s rude to pound on someone’s door like this. You could’ve woken the neighbors.”
“Nico, listen!” I grabbed his hand. “I know now.”
“Know what?”
“It’s simple.” I told him. “We make it complicated, but it’s simple.”
“I’m not awake enough to follow this conversation. What’s he saying, Noah?” Nico sighed.
“I wish I knew.” Noah sighed back.
“Here.” I said, placing a recently filled water bottle into his hand.
“Wow, thanks. I could see why you couldn’t wait till morning.” Nico said sarcastically, beginning to close his front door.
“It’s from the stream.” I said, ignoring his crankiness.
“What? Why would you bottle it?” Nico cried, holding the bottle farther from him now. “Are you crazy?”
“Nico, listen to me. Give it to the one you love.” I told him. “Make it simple.”
“I told you already, the wrong person to drink it could die!” Nico snapped. “I won’t play with anyone’s life like that!”
“No, you won’t play with Von’s life. And isn’t that your answer? Make it simple, Nico.”
“Are you really here, in the dead of night, trying to give me relationship advice?” Nico scoffed, unscrewing the cap off the bottle and dumping it at our feet. “Fix your own relationship!”
“Nico!” I cried, watching as the water soaked into the patio.
“You have your own problems to work out! So don’t… don’t ever bring something like that here again, especially not when Von is here. I swear, if you do this again, I won’t ever forgive you.”
“I’ve worked out my-“
“Have you?” Nico snapped. “Because it seems like you just got your way. You got your cake and you get to eat it too. What sacrifice have you made? You stand at this door all high and mighty saying it’s simple because everything can work out in your favor! You risk losing nothing!”
“Nico-” Noah interjected just as Nico slammed his front door closed. Noah turned to me, rubbing my shoulders reassuringly. “It’s okay. He’s going through a lot.”
“He’s right.” I said.
“Micah-“
“Come with me.” I said instead, moving before I could change my mind again.
———————
“I don’t think I should be here.” Noah strained out, clearly uncomfortable as we approached my mothers front door. “I can-“
“Stay.” I commanded, continuing up the porch steps and knocking on the front door. Noah made no move to leave, confused but still obedient. After a few seconds the door opened, revealing my confused mother.
“Micah, what are you doing here at this time?”
“Please… please approve Noah’s ascension.” I spoke quickly, not answering her question. “I was wrong. I conspired against him and convinced other elders to reject him. If it weren’t for that, he would be alpha.”
My mom stared at me, her face blank. “I know all that already, Micah.”
“What?” I frowned. “How?”
“Micah, you and your brother are very loud.” Ama sighed, rubbing her forehead. “There is very little you boys can actually hide from me.”
“Oh.”
“Regardless, my rejection stands.” She continued. “It is the goddess’s will that the decision fell on me.”
“Micah, I appreciate it, but you-” I cut Noah off, continuing to answer my mother.
“Maybe… but maybe you made the wrong decision.”
“Excuse me?” She raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to continue.
“Ama… I believe in him. I believe that he can do this. I should not have meddled. I have made so many mistakes I could have avoided had I just listened to you… but i’ve learned. Trust in me, please, and accept him.” I pleaded.
“But… what he did to Nico-“
“Was horrific.” I finished for her. “Let him make it up in service to our people.”
“What if you’re wrong, my son? Love is blinding.”
“Love is simple, but this is not about love. This is about the man I know he is. It’s about the man I am. Ama, you raised me well. Please, have faith in me.”
Ama looked at my face and then behind me to look Noah up and down. “The pack will not understand. There will be so many questions.”
“I will answer them.”
“Micah…” Ama sighed, turning around as if to end the conversation and go back inside. “I understand. Please head home and go to bed.”
“Really? Thank you Ama!”
“Don’t thank me. I won’t change my mind again. Live with the consequences of your choice this time… and prove to me that you made the right one.”
“Yes Ama.” I answered just as she closed the door behind her.
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