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CHAPTER 18:
Anxiety.
I had never felt this anxious to see Nico before. He was my brother and my best friend, but for some reason i couldn’t bring myself to knock on his front door. We had fought before. Of course we had, but something about this fight felt different.
Maybe this was a bad idea, I thought to myself. I turned, ready to run back to Noah’s house and escape what would most likely be another fight. I had almost reached the end of his patio when the front door opened. “Who are you?”
I spun around on my heel, surprised not to hear Nico’s voice. “Von?” I cried.
“Future Alpha Micah. I heard you got your title back. Congrats.” Von, Nile’s older brother, seemed disinterested in speaking to me. “Can I help you?”
“What are you doing here? Where’s Nico?”
“Ugh I built this house, you know.” Von groaned. “This is my house.”
“No, your parents gave it to me. I keep telling you that.” Nico pushed past Von, coming to stand and stare at me in the doorway. “Long time no see big brother.”
“It’s been a week.” I pouted, but knowing he was right. Not seeing Nico for a week was unheard of. He and I both knew it. We were fighting. It was obvious so why was I pretending it wasn’t?
“Did you want to come in?” He asked me, the invitation kind of strange. He’s never had to invite me before. I just… went. We both did.
“Stop inviting people into my house.” von grumbled, still standing beside Nico.
Nico rolled his eyes. “My house. I told you, go pick a fight with your family. This is mine. It was given to me.”
“It wasn’t their house to give.” Von argued.
“If you keep complaining I won’t let you stay here anymore.” Nico snapped at him. Von seemed to want to argue but simply turned around and stomped away. “Sorry about him. He’s had a bad day, what with being rejected by his mate and all that. He’s a real peach otherwise.”
“He’s staying here?” I cried. “You’re living with a random man?”
Nico narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m not fucking the guy, Micah. He’s sleeping on the couch so he doesn’t have to go home and smell the sex between his mate and brother.”
“I didn’t say- you know I didn’t mean it like that.” I sighed.
“I know what you meant. Ama and Apa gave quite the lecture on cohabitating with anyone who wasn’t our mate. Fortunately for me, we’ve both been rejected so… it’s not quite as indecent.” Nico tightened his grip on the front door. “Did you want something, Micah?”
“To talk to you.” I said quickly. “I- i’m ashamed of how our last talk ended. I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Are you gonna get down on your knees and give reparations like your mate did?” Nico asked, the very notion making me stiffen. “I’m kidding. It’s fine. We’re good.”
“You really mean that?”
“I told you already. I only say what I mean now.” Nico sighed, stepping aside and motioning for me to enter. “Come on, stop being weird.”
“I’m being weird?” I grumbled, knowing for sure I was the only one in this situation acting normal. Instinctively, I entered the house, still grumbling to myself.
“Make yourself comfortable. Feel free to tell Von to fuck off somewhere.” Nico waved dismissively at the buff man sitting on the couch who turned to glare at us. Nico, not noticing or simply not caring, walked into the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”
“Oh… um no. Noah made me breakfast before I left.” I answered, watching Von who seemed to be having a furious text argument on the couch. He was frowning and grumbling to himself, smashing his thumbs to his phone with force.
“What a sweet mate.” Nico spoke, coming to stand beside me as he munched on a piece of toast. “You fuck him yet?”
“Nico!” I cried.
“Are you hungry over there grumpy?” Nico called to Von, ignoring my shock. Von grunted and Nico seemed to nod as if he understood, walking into the kitchen again. I was flustered, trying my hardest to recognize my brother in the crass, seemingly emotionless man that currently occupied his body. “Catch.” Nico said from beside me, tossing a toasted piece of bread toward the couch. Von caught it without looking up from his phone.
“This is weird.” I finally spoke. “How long has he been here?”
“He showed up after our little spat.” Nico recalled, still chewing on his toast absent mindedly. “Apparently his family didn’t think to let him know I accepted the rejection so he traveled all the way here hoping to scoop his mate up on the rebound. Poor guy came home to his mate well fucked and his house given away.”
“Goddess dammit.” Von cursed, turning to glare at us again. “You could’ve tried a little harder. He is your mate after all.”
“But then we wouldn’t get to have this wonderful living situation we got going on.” Nico smiled sarcastically, turning to frown at me. “He also doesn’t believe in my stream theory.”
“Oh I believe in it.” Von clarified. “I just think he’s your actual mate and you should take him to that damn puddle and make him drink.”
“He could die if i’m wrong.” Nico said as if he’d had to repeat this multiple times.
“Oh no.” Von was the sarcastic one this time, turning his attention back to his phone.
“He’s going to leave soon.” Nico reassured me. “He’s just dealing with his parents. They want him to stay really bad.”
“More like they want to be a part of your family so bad.” Von snorted. “The future beta as a son in law? To be extended family with the alpha of the pack? They probably came in their pants when they found out.”
“Hear that, Micah? At least his parents desire us.” Nico rolled his eyes yet again, something he rarely did before. Sadness. That’s what I felt rolling off of Nico as he spoke. Waves and waves of despair that almost drowned me.
“He’s quite the negative kid.” Von spoke to me now. “Has he always been like that?”
“Don’t answer that.” Nico spoke before I could. “Like I keep saying, you’re welcome to leave.”
“It’s my house.” Von insisted.
“Really? Because I’m pretty sure I own it.” Nico stuck his tongue out at him before stiffening. Hesitantly, Nico sniffed the air before sighing. “I’ll be back. Micah, do me a favor and try to convince him to leave.”
Nico rushed away, turning a corner before I heard a door slam. Von turned to me, a relatively handsome face looking somewhat worn and tired. “This happens everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.”
“What does?’ I asked cautiously.
“My brother shows up.” Von said it matter of factly as if it were obvious. “He falls asleep, his wolf takes over, and he hangs out outside until Nico makes him leave.”
“Nico makes him leave?”
“Nico seems to believe the easiest way to handle this is not at all.” Von continued. “I get it. He’s a kid. This is probably too much for him to handle.”
“Nico…” i trailed off, not knowing how much was too much to share. Nico seemed to want to keep a wall up around Von, but was that right? “He’s the kindest person i’ve ever known.”
“Really?” Von didn’t seem to believe me.
“Gentle, loving, affectionate and warm… he’s just lost his way.” I looked down at my feet, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. Maybe that’s my fault. I have a hard time seeing him this way.”
“Go look out the window. You could probably see them.” Von pointed to a window at the far end of the living room. I hesitated. “He won’t catch you. Believe me, I’ve watched enough times.”
Awkwardly, I did as he said. I approached the window, somewhat apprehensive , pulling the curtain aside just an inch so I could peek out. The huge back yard was revealed to me, complete with a fire pit and swimming pool. Tucked in the very corner was Nico with a familiar wolf sitting at his feet. Nico had his arms wrapped tightly around the wolf, burying his face in his neck. His whole body seemed to shake and after a moment I realized it was because he was crying. “They do this everyday?” I asked, watching how the wolf nuzzled Nico reassuringly.
“Yup. It’s mostly at night though.” Von sighed. “That wolf is obsessed with your brother. I’ve tried to chase him off the other day when your brother was having a fit and he nearly bit me. Before all of this, Nile and I were very close. Our wolves were practically one. Since children we… we’ve had a different connection. But things are different now.”
“Do you think they’re truly mates?” I asked, turning away from the window. “Do you think they really love one another?”
“When we were young, Nile and I had issues connecting with our wolves. It caused a lot of concern in our family and we went to see a lot of healers who basically said don’t worry about it. We’d grow out of it. Eventually, one day, our wolves would just sync up with us, but they never really did. It was worse for Nile than for me. His wolf is tough. He’s got quite the personality.” Von chuckled, sobering up as the sadness of his story seemed to remind him of the situation at hand. “That wolf… after knowing him for so long, I know that wolf loves Nico. He’s all instinct, unlike Nile.”
“So what? My brother gets half a mate?” I asked, my tone coming off slightly more angry than I intended.
“Better than the nothing I’ve got.” Von shrugged.
“You can’t really think this could be enough for anyone?” I cried.
“What are his options? The stream of life-“
“What? Y-You think the stream of life nonsense is-“
“Nonsense? Your brother is out there cuddling a wolf that has a human who despises his existence.” Von pointed out. “Does that make any sense to you?”
“No, but… did you even read the book? It’s gibberish. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Exactly.” Von clapped his hands together. “Neither does any of this. Your brother is smart, handsome and apparently the goddesses gift to this earth by your own words. He’s kind enough to let me stay here. He has all the qualifications for a mate no one could refuse and yet my brother, my homely little brat of a brother rejects him. Face it. This is a curse.”
“So what? I should just humor him? Go on a search to solve this curse that we know nothing about?”
“No.” Von shook his head. “I don’t think there really is a solution.”
“So what then?” I cried. “If you know everything, what should I do? Big brother to big brother, tell me how to help him.”
Von looked at me, seemingly sizing me up as I shook in frustration. Von sighed, looking around as if to make sure we were alone before speaking. “I’ll take him.”
“What?”
“My brother is a dumbass, but he made his choice. Nothing we can do about it. Since Nico and I have both been rejected, we’re free to pursue whoever we’d like.” Von looked away, suddenly a bit shy. “I can take care of him. I built this house. I could build others like it and make good money. We wouldn’t have to be lonely. We could have each other.”
“Have you mentioned this to him?” I asked.
“No.” Von shook his head. “His rejection is fresh. He’s still deciding if half a mate is what he wants.”
“So why are you saying this to me?” I asked.
“Because you’re scared, aren’t you? That your brother is alone in his pain, but he’s not. I’m here and… he won’t be alone anymore.”
“Do you love him?” I questioned, before shaking my head. “No… you hardly know him.”
“I feel drawn to him. Maybe because we’re both hurting the same or maybe because he drank my soul too from the stream of life. Whatever the reason, I’ll give him everything I would have given my own mate if he is willing to take it.”
“How do you know you’re not really his mate then?” I asked. “He seems to think there’s someone out there who’s really meant for him. Couldn’t that be you?”
“Micah, you’ve seen him with my brother’s wolf outside.”
“Right.”
“Plus, my wolf wants my own mate.”
“So… you’ll be partners of convenience?”
“Is that so wrong?” Von sighed. “Is it so terrible we find happiness in our own way?”
“No… but…” I peeked through the window again, frowning as I watched the wolf outside nuzzle Nico’s neck affectionately, scent marking Nico as he continued to try to hold back tears. “Don’t you both deserve more?”
———————
“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Nico finally groaned, stopping from taping up the box of items he had just packed.
“What do you think of Von?”
“I don’t.”
“Really?” I looked away, trying not to give anything away. “He’s… kind of handsome, isn’t he?”
“Don’t let your mate hear you say that.” Nico chuckled, going back to taping the box. “Well, yeah, I suppose he is. I think he smells really good, but he ruins it everytime he talks.”
“And you two are living together… platonically…”
“Until he convinces his family Veri and Nile won’t budge. Then he’ll go to another pack and start over.” Nico answered, going to a different corner of his old bedroom to begin to pack up his things. “Does it bother you that much?”
“What, no!” I cried, shocking us both at my ferocity. “Really, it’s fine. I guess I was just wondering, you know… you’re both handsome, unattached… maybe you’ve felt some kind of connection.”
“I haven’t looked at him that way at all.” Nico admitted. “I mean… he did use the pool the other day and he got out and his hair was slicked back and… no. No, I don’t think so.”
“What?”
“I can’t look at him like that. It feels wrong.” Nico turned red in the face.
“He’s hot.” I blurted out. “Who cares? He builds big old houses and he’s hot.”
“Who’s hot?” Noah asked, entering the room at the precisely wrong moment. “Hopefully my mate is talking about me.”
Nico was bent over in the corner, trying to hold in his laugh. “Who’s hot Micah?” Nico gasped between laughs. “Noah wants to know.”
“I was just wondering what Nico thought of Von.” I mumbled, too embarrassed to make eye contact with Noah. “It’s not bad to say someone is objectively attractive.”
“Objectively hot you mean.” Nico teased.
“He’s alright.” Noah grumbled, ruffling my hair and taking a few boxes that were already packed. “Are you interested in him, Nico?”
“Wouldn’t it be weird if i was?” Nico gasped, obviously shocked two people had asked him so nonchalantly. “He’s Nile’s brother.”
“He’s hotter than Nile.” Noah pointed out, as if it were obvious. “Plus, I doubt anyone in this pack has balls enough to make any comments about you after you were announced as Future Beta.”
“You could be with whoever you want.” I added. “It’s your right.”
“Right.” Nico nodded, staring down at the box he was packing. “The perks of being rejected I guess.”
“Rejections aren’t exactly permanent though. Nile could always come around.” Noah said absentmindedly, obviously not paying any attention to the look on Nico’s face. If he had, he wouldn’t have said anything else. “Micah did.”
“Nile won’t come around.” Nico said softly, the recent pompousness draining from his body. “Not of his own freewill. Hooking up with his brother, wouldn’t that be pathetic?”
“Nico-“
“I’m gonna start carrying some boxes over. Please don’t have sex in my old room. I think it’d still be weird.” Nico spoke, his fake smile firmly back in place. He took the boxes out of Noah’s arms before practically running from the room. I sighed, taking a seat on his bed.
“What’s wrong?” Noah asked, beginning to pack what was left of Nico’s room. “You look sad.”
“Nico isn’t himself lately and it scares me.” I admitted. “I wish I knew what I could do to help him. I hate seeing him this way. All we do is argue and misunderstand each other.”
“I see… but… what if this is who he is now?” Noah asked me, opening dresser drawers and packing as he spoke. “People change all the time, Micah. Things happen and we adapt and evolve. I’m not who I was before I met you. Isn’t it possible Nico has been shaped by this event? Maybe he won’t ever be who he used to be… and maybe you’ll be closer to each other once you accept that your little brother will continue to change and all you can do is love and support him.”
“But how can this be who he is?” I blurted out.
“Because we can’t control who people become. If we love them, all we can do is try to understand them.” Noah answered almost immediately. “He doesn’t seem so bad to me.”
“You don’t know how he used to be.”
“Do I have to? This is who he is now.” Noah opened a cabinet, pulling out most of Nico’s old school stuff.
“We’ve always been the same, Nico and I. Seeing him be this kind of person feels like looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. He was sweet, open, and loving. Now he’s cold, calculating, distant, disinterested… How can I just accept those parts of him are gone with this crap in its place? How can I not try to help him be happy? I just don’t know how to do that. Should I press the issue with Nile or should I encourage him to- Noah? What’s that?”
Noah was staring intensely at the board, reading what was written and not seeming to hear me speak. His eyes narrowed and with a slight skip in my heartbeat I realized what it was. The whiteboard. The one Nico and I had meticulously created to make sure Noah lost his title. He was reading it and trying to decipher it. I stood quickly, rushing toward him and snatching the board away, ready to make some random deflection. “What was that, Micah?” he asked before I could open my mouth. His tone told me he knew exactly what it was.
“Notes.”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Micah?” His voice was still low, but it felt as bad as if he were yelling at me.
“I can explain.”
“No you can’t.”
“I…” I wasn’t expecting that kind of response. “This pack is everything to me, Noah. I had to.”
“You had to?” It sounded like a genuine question.
“I would have won anyway.” My voice trembled as I said it. I didn’t want to say it, but it seemed to come out anyway. “You know that. You were losing. If Nico hadn’t interfered-“
“I’d be dead. Like you had planned.” Noah finished for me.
“Noah-“
“You know, you say Nico is so distant and conniving and how that’s not who you guys are, but it seems that’s all you ever are.” Noah chuckled sadly, snatching the board back from me. “Under Crescent you two wrote, ‘horrible in school. Dumb and mean. no intervention needed.’ I bet she gave you both quite a shock.”
“Nico wrote it.” Was all I could think to say. “He was still upset after you attacked him.”
“Sure… but we’re two grades apart. He never shared any classes with me. He couldn’t have known what I was like at school… unless you told him.” Noah pointed out. “Oh and you bribed the hermit. Good to know. That could have saved me a whole day and a lot of embarrassment.”
“Stop reading it.” I reached for the board, but Noah moved it above my head.
“Under Nadi it just says ‘Micah’. What does that mean?”
“Nothing.”
“You were alone with Nadi and Nico… and then she came out and rejected me.” Noah remembered aloud. “In front of your parents too. I was so embarrassed. I wonder what you told her to convince her. Was it hard?”
“Stop reading it please.”
“Then answer me. What did you say to Nadi?” Noah lowered the board so he could look at me. “If you tell me the truth, I’ll stop.”
“She just asked me to decide yes or no.” I admitted, successfully pulling the board away from him.
“Did you ever actually think I could do it?”
“Yes! It’s just… it’s complicated, Noah. I had to do what was best for the whole pack.” I reached out to him, shocked when he took a step away from me.
“Lying to me? Manipulating me? That was what was best?”
“I didn’t have any other choice.”
“You could have just killed me.” Noah asked humorlessly. “That would have hurt less.”
“That’s unfair.”
“No… no loving you is unfair. Being your mate is unfair.” Noah’s eyes seemed to harden, his expression changing to one I hadn’t seen in such a long time. “I would have been better off having no mate at all.”
He pushed past me, not hard but enough to nudge me out of the way of the door. “Noah! Noah just listen.”
Noah spun around, the hate in his eyes he had held for eighteen years back again. “I did, but that’s not good enough for you, future alpha. You have to control everyone and everything. Goddess forbid you not be in charge for one second. I just… I have no faith in you. You’re not who I thought you were… and I don’t want to listen anymore.”
I didn’t stop him from leaving this time.
———————
Tears streaming down my face, I rushed to Nico’s. I wanted my brother. I needed him. I needed someone to tell me what I had done was right and okay.
I barged in, desperate to outrun the shame that was overtaking me. I rubbed my eyes, rounding a corner and stopping in my tracks. Nico and Von’s head turned toward me, clearly shocked at my arrival… and I was shocked to have arrived at such a scene.
All of the boxes Nico was caring lay at the foot of the stairs, busted open and the contents strewn about. Nico was on top of Von at the foot of the stairs as well, straddling his waist. As i had entered, their faces had been so close.
I spun around, looking in the opposite direction in embarrassment. “I’m sorry!” I cried.
“What? No. No!” Nico responded as I listened to him scramble to his feet. “I lost my footing on the stairs and Von broke my fall. Nothing happened.”
“It’s fine.” I answered. “Whatever you do is… fine.”
“Really, Micah! Nothing happened!” Nico insisted. “Turn around!” He grabbed my shoulder, spinning me to face him. “What’s wrong? What happened?” he wiped one of my tears, concern lacing his every word. This was the Nico I recognized. I choked back a sob, burying my face in his chest. “What is it, micah?” He rubbed my back comfortingly.
“Noah found the board.” I cried between sobs, having to repeat myself multiple times before Nico could really understand what I’d said. “He knows. He knows and he hates me.”
“Woah woah woah. He doesn’t hate you.” Nico assured me.
“Am i a bad person?”
“What? Micah-“
“I-I -hic- I th-think -hic- i-i’m a a bad -hic- p-person.”
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