Array
(
[text] =>
THE MOMENT I STEP THROUGH THE door, Felix is there, waiting like some sort of guard dog. Arms crossed, eyes blazing, expression set like he’s already made up his mind about me.
“So you were with him, weren’t you?” His voice is clipped, laced with suspicion and something close to disgust.
I roll my eyes and try to brush past him, my fingers gripping the banister as I head for the stairs. “I can have friends.”
“Yeah, but you wanna stop talking to JJ, huh?” His words hit me like a slap to the back of the head, freezing me mid-step.
I turn around slowly. “What are you on about now, Felix?”
“You never hang out with her anymore.”
“Wow, I wonder why. Maybe because our friendship started going downhill ever since you fucked it up.” The words slice through the air, sharper than I intended, but I can’t bring myself to care.
His jaw clenches, eyes narrowing. But he hides the hurt well, smothering it beneath his anger. “Can you fucking drop that? It’s been months.”
“No, I can’t,” I scoff, tilting my head. “We were best friends before you happened.”
“So now you’re friends with Connie instead? Were you hanging out with him when you got high?”
“What?” My voice cracks, shock rippling through me.
He folds his arms, his stance firm and accusing. “Answer the question.”
“Do you really think that low of him? No, you dickhead!” My voice rises, but he just stares me down like I’m the one in the wrong.
“Be honest,” he pushes.
“I am!” My arms fly up in frustration. “I wasn’t with him. I was alone.”
His silence is heavy. Judging. It makes my chest feel tight.
“You were alone.” He repeats it, his voice flat and disbelieving. “You seriously went off somewhere, got high, and nobody even knew? Do you know how fucking stupid that is?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, hating the way his words make my chest constrict. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Maybe not, but you owe Mum and Dad one.” His gaze sharpens, cutting into me. “You’re reckless, Carmen. You’re selfish. You know what you’re doing to them? To me?”
I scoff. “What I’m doing to you? What a joke.”
“It’s true.” His voice rises, frustration seeping into every word. “Everyone’s so fucking worried about you, but you don’t even care, do you? You’re just off somewhere doing whatever you want like none of us matter.”
I stare at him, throat tight, words bubbling up I can’t hold back. He’s switching everything up. He can’t see it from my side. That’s not how it was for me. How it is for me. “You don’t even care, Felix. You just like having another reason to act like you’re better than me.”
“You act like you’re the only one with problems. But you’re not, Carmen. Dad’s got all these expectations, everyone thinking I’m supposed to be some perfect fucking football player. You think that’s easy? I don’t turn to weed and other shit to make myself feel better.”
His words strike me like lightning, but it’s the way he looks at me that hurts most. Like I’m some sort of disappointment.
“And now you’re hanging out with Connie?” Felix scoffs. “Like you’re not going to mess him up too.”
I recoil, the accusation hitting me harder than I expect. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” I grit out, but my voice trembles.
“It means you’re going to fuck him up, going to distract him, just so you can have some fun.”
The words settle in the air between us, heavy and cruel. He’s never said anything like that to me before. Never looked at me like I’m nothing more than a problem.
My throat tightens, a burning sensation climbing up my chest. “You’re such a hypocrite,” I whisper, but it sounds weak. Pathetic. “You act like you care but you never even notice when something’s wrong. You just pretend everything’s perfect so you can keep playing your stupid sport.”
“That’s the difference between you and me. I have something worth working for. You don’t even try.”
The worst part? He’s not even yelling. His voice is steady, composed, like he believes every word he’s saying.
“I try,” I say, my voice quiet. “You just never fucking see it.”
“Maybe that’s because there’s nothing worth seeing,” he mutters.
Something inside me snaps. My fists clench, nails digging into my palms so hard it hurts. “Fuck you, Felix.”
“What’s going on here?” Mum’s voice cuts through our argument like a knife. She stands at the end of the hallway, arms folded, her phone still clutched in her hand like she was in the middle of something important.
“Nothing,” I say quickly, not looking at her.
“I can hear you two arguing from my office,” Mum snaps, her eyes already on me like I’m the problem. “Carmen, stop bothering your brother. He has more important things to focus on than your little outbursts.”
My stomach drops. Of course. It’s always Felix. Always his priorities. His future. His precious, golden-boy status. “But-“
“Enough, Carmen,” she says, her tone dismissive. “Just… go to your room.”
“What happened to trying to be a better brother?” I ask him. “You’re doing a terrible fucking job.”
I turn without another word, tears burning my eyes as I climb the stairs two at a time, slamming my door shut behind me.
My chest heaves, anger and hurt tangled up in a knot I can’t untangle. I grab the edge of my desk, fingers gripping so hard my knuckles turn white.
I’m always the problem according to them. Always the one ruining things.
My hand shakes as I yank open the floor board. My heart drops. They’re gone. All of them. I finished it.
I only take a few a day.
Only a few.
Only a few.
I don’t need them. Like Felix said, he doesn’t get high when he has problems so why do I? Will it really be that hard to stop taking them? But… I didn’t take any today and I can already feel the urge in my chest.
No.
I can do this. I can.
I wipe my tears with the palm of my hand but only more fall. Why am I crying? I want to ask myself why his words hurt me this much but apart of me knows it’s because they’re true.
I fall onto the bed. If I can’t take pills to make me feel better, I’ll sleep away the pain.
My eyes grow heavy, my body sinking deeper into the mattress as if I’m being swallowed whole. The ceiling blurs in and out of focus, and I can’t tell if I’m falling asleep or falling apart.
The heaviness in my chest is unbearable, suffocating, like my ribs are caving in. Felix’s words claw at me, tearing apart whatever’s left of my sanity. His disappointment. Mum’s dismissal. It all sticks to me like tar.
But the worst part? The part that makes my stomach twist and my hands tremble? It’s not their words that hurt the most. It’s the thought of Aaron. The way he looked at me today, his eyes soft and searching, like he actually sees me. Like I’m something worth looking at, worth holding on to.
He said he’d be there for me whenever I needed him. He made me feel… safe. Like I could be myself without the weight of everyone else’s expectations crushing me.
And I believed him. God, I want to believe him. But everyone says that, don’t they? Everyone promises forever until things get messy. Until I get messy.
Because I know I’m a mess. I can’t hide it anymore, not from him, not from myself. And the truth is, I’m scared. Terrified that if I let him in, if I give him the parts of me no one else sees, he’ll change his mind. He’ll walk away. Everyone always does.
I keep pushing him away because it’s easier than letting him get close. Because if he sees the real me-the broken, angry, desperate version of me—he’ll realise I’m not worth the trouble. That I’m just another disappointment. Another burden.
But when I think of his laugh, the warmth in his voice when he teases me, the way his eyes flicker to my lips like he’s trying to hold himself back… it makes me ache. Makes me feel something real, something I haven’t felt in so long.
He looked at me like he was going to kiss me. Like he wanted to. Did he? Or was I just imagining it, reading too much into the way he stared at me like I was someone he wanted to protect?
I can’t let myself believe he feels the same. Because if I do, if I let myself fall, and he changes his mind—then what’s left of me?
But at the same time, I want to run to him. Throw myself into his arms and feel his heartbeat against mine. Hear him tell me everything’s going to be okay, even if it’s a lie.
I wipe at my eyes, smearing tears across my cheeks. I can’t be weak. Not again. Not for him or anyone else.
But as I close my eyes and sink into the darkness, his face is all I see. His voice is all I hear. And it terrifies me just how much I want him.
[text_hash] => 551395e0
)