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I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF my head.
That clear, small bag of pills Carmen tried to hide from me like it was nothing. Just a headache, she said. But I’ve seen pills like that before.
The exact same kind.
That image is burned into my memory, the one of my mum sprawled on the floor, eyes half open and empty. Pills scattered around her like spilled confetti. I remember grabbing her cold hand, calling her name over and over until my voice cracked.
A voice in my head tells me that most pills look the same, that maybe Carmen was telling the truth. But then why were they in a bag instead of the bottle? Why was she so quick to hide them from me? Why did she change the subject so fast?
My doubts keep piling up. They’re what push me to drive to the park where Jude Walker always is. I can’t forget what I saw. And I sure as hell can’t just do nothing about it.
Carmen does something to me. Something no one else ever has. Every time I see her, my stomach flips, and something inside me changes. I’m constantly trying to make her smile, make her laugh, because seeing her happy feels like I’ve accomplished something huge. Like I’ve broken through her walls, even if just for a moment.
She makes me feel like I’d do anything to protect her. To help her. To save her.
I think of what she told me about my dad, how he told her to stay away from me. My jaw clenches, knuckles turning white against the steering wheel. As soon as I got home that day, I barged into his room, ready to tear into him. He wasn’t there. I forgot that he’s travelling for work.
I’ve been ignoring his calls and texts since however. I have no interest in talking to him. When he gets back, I’m gonna talk to him though. He needs to mind his fucking business.
When I reach the park, I park the car and head to the basketball court. Jude is mid-shot from halfway across the court. The ball soars through the air, slicing through the hoop perfectly.
He turns and sees me, nodding his head. I motion for him to come over.
“What’s good?” Jude asks, shoulders relaxed, but there’s a curiosity in his gaze.
“I’m alright,” I reply, even though I’m feeling the exact opposite. “You?”
“Just wondering why you’re here.” His brows furrow, eyes scanning me like he’s expecting me to ask for something. Drugs, probably.
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Nothing like that. I just need a favour.”
Jude’s eyebrows lift. “Yeah?”
“I need you to stop with Carmen.” It’s blunt but that’s all I’m here to say.
“Carmen?”
“Curly-haired blonde you talked to on Halloween.”
Realisation dawns in his eyes. “You mean Academy.”
Academy? Is that a nickname he has for her? Are they on fucking nickname bases? My fists tighten. “Yes, her.”
“What do you mean ‘stop with her’?”
“Come on, Jude. I know you know what the fuck I mean.”
He shrugs, his expression too casual for my liking.
“Look, I have no problem with you,” I say, voice low and rough, “but if you don’t stop selling her drugs, then we’re gonna have a problem.”
“Does she know you’re here?”
“She doesn’t need to know.” She doesn’t. This is for her own good.
“What if she comes back for more, huh?”
The words hit like a punch to the gut. She is buying drugs. The possibility crossed my mind, but hearing it confirmed is something else. I think about all those times she came to school looking like she was in her own world. The whole time, she actually was. She was high.
“Then you fucking say no,” I grit out.
Jude raises his hands in surrender.
“Alright, lad. I have no problem with that.”
“Good.” I turn to leave.
“Connie,” he calls out and I stop, “don’t do some stupid shit with her.”
I look over my shoulder, my brows furrowed at his words. What?
“There’s clearly something fucked up going on in her life. Don’t make it worse.”
The accusation digs into me, making my jaw tense. Like I would ever hurt her. Like I’d ever make things worse for her.
I get into the car, taking deep breaths to calm myself down, to process everything. Before I can overthink it, I pull out my phone and press on the contact “Blondie.” My fingers move before my brain catches up.
Me:
Can I pick you up in 30?
The three dots pop up, then disappear. Then pop up again. Finally, she replies.
Blondie:
I’d like that.
I read her message over and over again, my lips tugging up at her reply. She wants to see me. Even after what my dad said, even if she’s trying to push me away, even if she’s hiding things.
I arrive at her house after making a quick stop at the corner shop. There’s a bag full of snacks I threw in the backseat. prawn cocktail crisps, Fanta, chocolate buttons, all the stuff she mentioned she likes or stuff I’ve seen her eat at lunch. Fuck. That sounds creepy as shit.
Shaking my head at my thoughts, I text her that I’m outside, and not even a minute later, she’s opening the car door.
“Hi,” she mutters, tucking a curl behind her ear as she slides into the passenger seat.
“Hey, Blondie.” My eyes scan her. Her curls are down like usual but she has a flower clip holding some hair back. This hairstyle suits her.
“Why are you here?” she asks, biting the inside of her cheek, nervous.
“I wanted to see you.”
“Why?” She gives me a weird look as if I’m planning on kidnapping her.
“You sure ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” I tease, narrowing my eyes at her.
“I just-” She lets out a sigh as her shoulders sag. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I missed you. That’s why.”
Her eyes snap to mine, shock etched across her face with her brown eyes wide and lips parting like she wants to say something but can’t find the words.
“This is usually when you say you’re joking,” she manages to mutter out.
“Do you want me to be?”
“Stop that,” she huffs, crossing her arms and looking out the window.
“Stop what?”
“You know what, Aaron.”
I laugh. Can’t help it. She’s cute when she’s frustrated.
I start the car, one hand on the steering wheel while the other rests on the door as I drive off . “I wasn’t joking. I do miss you.”
She fights a smile and loses. The sight makes me want to keep talking, keep saying things just to see her smile again.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see, Blondie.”
“I don’t like when you’re trying to be mysterious.”
“God forbid I want something to be a surprise,” I grumble.
“I don’t like surprises.”
“You’ll like this one.” Well, I hope so.
She huffs again but doesn’t respond. The drive goes by with her quietly humming along to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. I notice the way she gets lost in the song, her fingers tapping against her knee, her eyes softening like the lyrics mean something to her. I turn the volume up, and she glances at me. Once our eyes lock, she quickly looks away. Like always.
“Your mum has good taste,” she says.
“She used to force me to listen to these songs and sing with her.” I chuckle at the memory, my chest tightening. “Back then, I hated it. Said she was torturing me. But now… I guess I’ve grown to love them.”
Carmen gives me a small smile, but there’s something sad in her eyes. Like she understands. Maybe more than I realise.
I keep driving until we reach the bridge that overlooks the lake. It’s practically untouched, the kind of place where the world feels far away. My mum took me and Cora here once to feed the ducks. I loved that memory so much that when she died, I kept coming back here. Alone. Trying to feel her presence.
Now I’m here with Carmen. The first person I’ve ever brought here.
“I’ve never been here,” she mutters, her voice filled with awe as she looks around.
“Barely anyone knows about it.” I park the car and get out, making my way over to her side to open the door. She stares at me like I’ve grown a second head, but she still mumbles a thank you.
I grab the bag of snacks from the backseat and hop onto the hood of my car. Carmen follows, settling next to me.
“It’s so peaceful here,” she says, her gaze glued to the shimmering water below.
“It is.”
She looks at me, curiosity flickering in her eyes. “So, how did you find this place?”
“My mum.” The words feel heavier than I expected. “We used to come here a lot.”
Carmen’s lips twitch. “Really?”
I grin. “Yeah. I loved it.” I pause, swallowing the tightness in my throat. “After she died, I’d come here whenever things got too much. It just… I don’t know. Made me feel closer to her.”
She doesn’t say anything for a moment. Just nods like she gets it. Like she knows exactly what I’m trying to say. “You’re making me feel special,” she whispers.
My brows draw together. “What do you mean?”
“Because this seems like an important place to you and you took me here.”
The way she says it, so soft and sincere, makes my chest ache. “You should feel special. You’re the first person I’ve brought here.”
“I am?”
“You are.” How doesn’t she realise that yet?
“Thank you, Aaron,” she breathes out.
“For what?”
“Everything.” Everything.
The way she says it makes me wonder what she’s thanking me for. Just being here? For not giving up?
I reach into the bag and pull out a pack of prawn cocktail crisps, holding them out to her.
Her face lights up, eyes glinting with surprise. “I love these.”
I know you do.
I watch as she opens the packet and starts munching away, a smile finally breaking free on her face. It’s such a small thing, but it feels like I’ve won something. Like I’ve cracked through whatever wall she’s been building around herself.
We end up talking about random shit. The best crisps flavours. The dumbest movies we’ve ever watched. The teachers at school who need to retire already because they clearly hate teenagers. And she laughs. Genuinely laughs. This bright, full-bodied sound that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something huge.
“Why do you call me Blondie?” she asks, her head tilted slightly, curls bouncing.
“Why not?” I smirk. “It suits you.”
“Is that your way of saying you like my hair?”
It was one of the first things I noticed about her. “Maybe.”
She rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. God-I love her smile. She has these mini dimples on the side of her lips. I need to look them up. Find out what they’re called.
I pull out a pack of sour belts and hand them to her. “Here.”
She rips open the packet, popping one into her mouth. “You really came prepared.”
“Had to make sure you had your favourites.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew they’d make you happy.”
She blushes, the redness crawling up her cheeks until she looks away. “How did you know these are my favourite?”
“I guessed.” A lie.
“Have you been stalking me, Aaron O’Connor?” she teases, raising a brow.
“Depends.” I shrug. “Would you find that sexy or creepy?”
She nudged my shoulder playfully as she rolls her eyes. The sun’s beginning to set, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink, the kind of beauty that almost feels unreal.
“Wow, the sky is so pretty,” she breathes out in awe, her gaze fixed on the horizon.
“Yeah,” I mutter, but my eyes are only on her.
She turns and catches me staring, her cheeks flushing and she tries to look away. But I reach out, gently grabbing her chin, making her face me.
“Why do you do that?” I ask, my voice low.
“Do what?” She’s playing dumb.
“Always look away.”
Her throat bobs as she swallows, the hesitation flickering across her face. “I don’t know.”
“I like your eyes, Carmen.” The sun hits them perfectly, making them look like pots of honey with specs of amber. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.
Her lips part. “I like yours too, Aaron.”
We’re so close now. Inches away. I can feel her breath on my skin. I can smell the scent of her shampoo. My gaze drops to her mouth before darting away again. Fuck.
“I can’t,” she whispers, but she doesn’t make a move pull away.
“You do things to me, Carmen,” I whisper. “Things no one has.”
She looks up at me through her thick lashes. “Like what?”
“I can’t even explain them,” I sigh, lowering my head. Somehow, we’re even closer than before and once again my eyes fall onto her pink lips.
“Oh,” she whispers, unsure of what to say. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t know what to say to that either.
Before I can reply, her phone rings, shattering the moment like glass. She flinches, dragging her phone out of her pocket as she backs away. The name on her screen makes her face fall.
“Felix?”
I can’t hear what he’s saying, but it’s obvious from her expression that it’s not good.
“I didn’t–” She tries to speak, but he cuts her off. Her eyes flicker to me, like she’s embarrassed.
“So what if I’m with him?” she snaps, her voice defiant.
A pang of frustration hits me. Felix and I are on decent terms now. So why would it be a problem if she’s with me?
“Fine,” she snaps, hanging up abruptly.
“What happened?” I ask, my tone gentle. How she is now and she was five minutes ago is like a complete flip.
“Nothing,” she sighs, climbing off the hood of the car. “But I need to go.”
Disappointment burns through me. I wanted to stay here with her. Spend more time making her laugh, making her smile. But instead of saying that, I force myself to nod. “Okay. We can go.”
The drive back is tense. She’s jittery, her knee bouncing and her fingers twitching as she stares out the window. It’s like she’s shut herself off again.
When I park in front of her house, she starts to say goodbye, but I speak up before she can.
“I know you’re going through something.” The words come out rougher than I intend. Her eyes drop to her hands, her fingers twisting together.
“You try to hide it, but I see right through you, Carmen Castro.”
“Aaron…”
“You don’t have to tell me anything. But I need you to know that I’m here for you. Whenever you need me. Okay? You can text me, call me, whatever. I’ll drop everything.”
Her eyes flicker up to meet mine. She looks… scared. Not of me. But of something else.
“Please?” I add, my voice breaking. I was never one to beg but ever since meeting Carmen, I’ve been a fucking beggar.
She swallows hard and nods her head slowly. “Okay.” Then, gives me a weak smile before slipping out of the car.
And I watch her go, feeling like I’ve taken a step forward and back all at once. My eyes linger on the passenger seat that she was just sitting in, like I still wish she was here. I do.
Fuck, I always do. Spending time with her is just… something I want to last forever.
I think about it, really think about it. I don’t just like her. She’s not just a friend to me.
I really like her.
As in, I want her.
Not in some shallow, passing way. Not like I want a win or a goal or a high.
I want all of her.
I want her bad moods and her moody comebacks. I want the way she tries to hide when she’s hurting, the way her eyes drop when things get too real, and the way she bites the inside of her cheek when she gets nervous. I want the girl whose smile makes me feel like I’ve accomplished everything.
The girl whose laugh has become my favourite sound. I want the girl who doesn’t realise how beautiful she is, how special and important.
I want to know what keeps her up at night. What memories she can’t shake. What scares her.
I want to be the person she turns to when the weight gets too heavy. The one she trusts with the truth she doesn’t show anyone else. I want to earn that. To deserve it.
And it’s not just her laugh or her eyes or the way she says my name when she’s tired.
It’s the way she makes me feel like I’m not wasting time.
Like being around her means something.
I want her in every version. The loud one, the quiet one. The version she shows the world and the one she keeps locked away.
I want her when she’s upset. I want her when she’s happy. I want her when she’s too much and when she’s not enough for herself.
I want to make her feel wanted.
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