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July 2017
It was one of those golden, lazy afternoons where the air hung heavy and still, and the world felt like it was taking a deep breath. Luke was sprawled out on the grass in his backyard, sunglasses crooked on his nose, an old beach towel beneath him that smelled faintly of coconut sunscreen and detergent. Beside him, Eli was doing the same, his bare shoulders gleaming in the sunlight, one arm thrown over his eyes.
The hum of bees, the faint bark of a dog somewhere down the street, and the soft crackle of Eli’s old portable speaker playing some low indie playlist filled the quiet. Luke shifted slightly, feeling the grass tickle his skin where his binder met his ribs. He didn’t mind it. Not anymore.
There was something freeing about it now, the way the sun warmed his shoulders, how the air brushed against his skin, and how he didn’t flinch anymore at the idea of being seen. Eli never stared. Never made him feel different. They just existed next to each other, like two people who had known each other long enough to skip past the awkward parts of life.
“Man,” Eli sighed, voice lazy and half-asleep. “I can’t believe we’re actually done with junior year.”
Luke grinned. “I know. I thought it’d never end.”
“17 feels good,” Eli murmured.
“Just wait till we’re 18,” Luke replied.
“We’re gonna fuck shit up,” Eli said excitedly.
Both boys grinned at each other.
“What are we even doing this summer?” Eli asked, tilting his head toward him without lifting the arm from his face. “We should make, like, a list or something. Stuff we actually wanna do.”
Luke let out a soft laugh. “Like what? Get jobs we’ll hate?”
Eli kicked at him lightly with his foot. “No, idiot. Like road trips. Movie nights. Sneaking into that lake near Thompson’s Hill.”
Luke rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. “You mean the one with the ‘No Trespassing’ sign?”
“Exactly that one,” Eli said. “We’re rebels now. Seniors. Practically unstoppable.”
Luke snorted. “You mean practically unemployed.”
Eli laughed, the sound bright and easy.
They fell quiet again for a while, just soaking in the sun. Luke could hear the sound of sprinklers from a nearby yard, the faint whir of a plane above. Everything felt slow, easy and simple.
Then Eli spoke again, his tone shifting slightly. “So, uh… Nate’s coming back from his cousin’s tomorrow. He wants to hang out.”
Luke turned his head toward him, curious. “You guys are spending a lot of time together, huh?”
Eli smiled faintly. “Yeah. I guess we are.”
Luke rolled onto his front, chin resting on his arms. “I’m jealous,” he said, voice teasing, “But come on, spill it. Have you guys done the nasty yet or what?”
“Shut up,” Eli said, kicking at him again, but he was grinning.
Luke wiggled his eyebrows. “Come on, I want details. You never tell me anything.”
Eli groaned, face turning red. “You’re such a gossip.”
“I’m a supportive friend,” Luke corrected. “Who is also a virgin and wants to hear every bit of your sex life so I’m prepared when it comes to my own. So? Come on. I deserve details.”
Eli hesitated for a long moment, then laughed softly. “Okay, fine. But you can’t make it weird.”
“I would never make it weird,” Luke said solemnly, though he was already grinning.
Eli rolled onto his front. “Well, I’m definitely not a virgin anymore.”
“Holy shit,” Luke gasped.
“I know, don’t judge me,” Eli groaned.
“What happened to saving it to marriage?”
“I said don’t judge me!” Eli huffed.
“Tell me everything,” Luke demanded.
“Well…It was—I don’t know. Kind of amazing. He’s really sweet about it, too. Doesn’t push me, doesn’t make it weird. Just…yeah.”
Luke’s laughter softened into something more genuine. “That’s good. Did it hurt?”
“Like a bitch,” he grumbled.
Luke let out a sharp laugh. “But then it felt good right?”
“Amazing,” Eli said dreamily. “God, he’s just so good looking. Honestly, you think he looks good normally? Imagine him with no clothes on. Even better.”
“I don’t really wanna imagine Nate naked,” Luke grimaced.
“Okay, but you get my point. He’s like a model. I don’t know what he’s doing with me.”
“You’re pretty cute too,” Luke said, nudging Eli’s shoulder with his own.
The other boy smiled. “Thanks. I think you’re cute as well. In a manly way, of course.”
Luke rolled his eyes playfully. “Anyway. I’m really happy for you. You deserve it. Nate seems like such a sweet guy. I hope it lasts.”
Eli peeked at him from under his arm, smiling quietly. “Me too. I don’t know what i’d do without him.”
The soft hum of the afternoon was broken by the sudden scrape of the back door sliding open. Luke squinted against the sunlight as a familiar voice rang out. “Guess who’s home!”
Before Luke could even process it, Gabe came bounding across the patio, still wearing his duffel bag slung over one shoulder, his sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose. His grin was wide and infectious, that same easy older-brother charm that filled every room he walked into.
Luke jolted upright, instinctively reaching for his T-shirt, heart hammering in his chest. Gabe had never seen him shirtless before. He had never actually seen Luke with a binder on either and he suddenly felt too awkward and exposed.
Eli, still lying on his towel, glanced over. “Dude, it’s fine. You don’t need to cover up,” he murmured, giving Luke a small, reassuring smile.
Luke hesitated for a beat, then slowly lowered his shirt. Gabe wasn’t even staring. Just grinning that big brother grin, tossing his duffel to the side and stretching like someone who’d been stuck in a car for hours. “Man, it is so good to be home,” Gabe said, walking over to them. He plopped down onto the grass and then pulled Luke into a hug before he could protest. “You look good, kid. Like, actually good. Fucking hell, you’re bulking up, huh?”
Luke blinked, taken off guard. “Uh, thanks.”
Eli sat up, watching them with an amused expression. “Welcome back, Gabe.”
Gabe grinned and gave Eli a friendly nod. “Eli. Haven’t seen you in forever. You two still joined at the hip?”
“Pretty much,” Eli said happily.
Luke relaxed a little. The weirdness of being seen in his truest form melted into something softer. It was just Gabe. His dumb brother who’d teased him endlessly growing up, the same one who’d made pancakes shaped like dinosaurs when Luke was little.
“Man, it’s boiling out here,” Gabe said, tugging at his shirt. “How are you guys not melting?”
“We are,” Eli said with a huff. “We were just talking about summer plans.”
“Well, I’ve got a plan right now. Come on, let’s go and get some ice cream. My treat.”
Luke nodded, standing up and stretching as he pulled his shirt on. “You’ve been home for five minutes and you’re already bribing us with food. Classic Gabe.”
“You know it.” Gabe tossed his keys in the air and caught them with a grin. “Come on. Triple scoop weather, boys.”
As they started gathering their things, Eli glanced at Luke. “Hey, mind if Nate tags along? He’s not far and said he was bored.”
Luke shrugged, hiding a small smile. “Sure. The more the merrier.”
Gabe raised an eyebrow, a playful glint in his eyes. “Nate? That the infamous boyfriend I’ve heard about?”
Eli froze mid-step. “You’ve heard about him?”
Luke grinned. “I might have mentioned it once or twice.”
Gabe turned to Eli. “This is my first time meeting him. I’m expecting great things.”
Eli groaned. “Don’t scare him off, please. We’re not really out to many people.”
“No promises,” Gabe said, smirking as he slung an arm over Luke’s shoulders as he winked at Eli. “Let’s get ice cream first. Then I’ll judge your boyfriend.”
Luke laughed, rolling his eyes.
A few minutes later, they were piling into Gabe’s car with the windows rolled down, music blaring, and summer air rushing in. Eli was in the backseat texting Nate, telling him to meet them at the ice cream shop. Gabe was tapping the steering wheel, humming off-key, and Luke just sat there in the passenger seat staring out of the window.
The car slowed at the end of a quiet street, the kind of place that smelled like sprinklers and fresh asphalt. Luke glanced up from his phone, confused as Gabe flicked on the indicator and pulled into a driveway he recognised instantly.
“Uh,” Luke said, brow furrowing. “What the hell are you doing?”
Gabe put the car in park. “We can’t go get ice cream without Young.”
Luke’s stomach dropped. He stared at his brother, half hoping he was joking, but Gabe was already leaning over the steering wheel, honking the horn twice.
“Are you serious?” Luke muttered, sitting back in his seat.
“Completely serious,” Gabe said. “Why? What’s wrong with Young? Don’t tell me you’re still holding grudges from high school.”
“No, I’m not,” Luke muttered.
“Then whats the problem?” Gabe asked.
Luke sighed. “Nothing. There’s no problem.”
Eli, who was sitting behind Luke in the backseat, shot him a subtle sideways glance, the kind that said Oh my god. Luke rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly. Eli’s lips twitched like he was fighting back a grin. “Could be worse,” he whispered under his breath.
Then the front door opened, and Luke instantly regretted everything.
Young stepped out onto the porch wearing a loose white T-shirt that clung just enough to show how much more built he’d gotten. His dark hair was slightly longer than Luke remembered, brushed back in that effortless way that probably wasn’t effortless at all. He waved when he spotted the car, that familiar bright grin lighting up his face.
Luke could practically hear Eli trying not to laugh behind him.
Gabe hopped out to greet Young, pulling him into a quick, brotherly hug. They exchanged a few words Luke couldn’t hear over the music still playing low from the radio.
“Oh, my god. He’s gotten hotter,” Eli whisper yelled, pushing his face between the two front seats.
“I’m in hell,” Luke mumbled.
“You’ll survive. But seriously, it should be illegal to look that good.”
“You have a boyfriend,” Luke snapped.
“Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the beauty of the world,” Eli frowned.
The back door opened and Young suddenly slid in beside Eli. The car felt ten degrees warmer.
“Hey,” Young said, his voice even and casual, but his gaze flicked briefly to Eli and then settled on Luke who turned a little in his seat so he could make eye contact with the older boy. “It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” Luke managed, his throat a little dry. “How’s Harvard treating you?”
Young chuckled. “Tough, but good.”
“Good,” Luke nodded.
“Jesus.” Young then muttered.
“What?”
“You look different.”
“Oh?” Luke mumbled.
“In a good way,” Young added quickly.
Luke forced a small smile. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Uh, you too,” Luke said stupidly.
“Huh?”
“You look good too,” Luke clarified.
“Oh. Thank you,” Young said.
“You’re welcome,” Luke replied for absolutely no reason.
Eli glanced between them, biting the inside of his cheek, clearly fighting the urge to make some kind of very obvious comment.
“Alright, everyone comfy?” Gabe said as he started the engine again, glancing in the rearview mirror. “Next stop, sugar overload.”
The car filled with chatter as they drove. Gabe talking about his classes, Young cracking jokes about dorm life, and Eli chiming in with stories from their junior year. Luke mostly listened, his gaze occasionally drifting out the window, the sunlight flashing over his face. Every time Young laughed, that familiar ache stirred in his chest, a mixture of nostalgia and something he didn’t want to name.
When they finally pulled up to the ice cream parlour, the parking lot was already buzzing with families and kids running around with melting cones. Luke spotted Nate almost immediately, standing by the entrance with his hair tousled and sunglasses pushed up on his face. He was dressed in a loose blue shirt and black jeans, looking casual and effortlessly cool.
Eli practically lit up when he saw him. “There he is,” he said under his breath, already unbuckling his seatbelt.
Gabe smirked. “Ah, the famous Nate in the flesh.”
Eli shot him a warning look. “Please don’t embarrass me.”
“No promises,” Gabe said, grinning as he got out.
“Who’s Nate again?” Young asked as they all piled out of the car.
“Eli’s boyfriend,” Luke replied.
“Eli’s gay?” Young asked quietly.
Luke snorted. “You don’t remember when I told you they were dancing together at prom?”
Young didn’t reply.
Luke winced, realising he had just bought up the dreaded night of their first dance too…
Nate greeted Eli with a soft smile and a quick kiss to the cheek that made Gabe dramatically clutch his chest. “Wow,” he teased. “Young love right before my eyes.”
Eli rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”
Luke hung back slightly, trying to steady his heartbeat. Between Gabe’s energy, Eli’s relationship glow, and Young’s quiet, easy presence beside him, it felt like too much all at once. He told himself it was fine, that they were all just friends grabbing ice cream. Nothing more. But when Young brushed past him to hold the door open, his hand brushing Luke’s lower back for just a second, Luke knew that fine wasn’t the word for what he was feeling at all.
They each took their turn at the counter, debating over flavours like it was a life-altering decision. Gabe predictably went for cookie dough, Eli got pistachio, Nate ordered mango sorbet, and Luke picked chocolate chip because it felt safe. Young surprised everyone by choosing plain vanilla with caramel drizzle, shrugging when Gabe teased him.
“It’s a classic,” Young said simply, passing the cashier his card.
When they’d all been handed their cones or cups, Gabe led the way to an empty circular booth by the window. The afternoon sunlight poured through the glass, catching in the streaks of condensation on their cups. Luke slid into the booth first, pressing himself against the cool leather seat with Eli and Nate across from him. Young settled in beside Luke and Gabe sat at the head of the table.
The table was a mess of napkins and melting ice cream almost instantly. Eli was laughing at something Nate said, Gabe kept making jokes that only he found funny, and Luke just… listened.
Until he noticed Young’s gaze flicker down.
At first, Luke thought maybe he’d dropped something. He glanced down quickly, checking his shirt for ice cream. When he looked back up, Young’s eyes darted away—too fast, too deliberate. A strange, hot flutter ran through Luke’s chest.
Was that…?
No. It couldn’t be.
He tried to focus on his melting ice cream, pretending to be absorbed in it. But the thought gnawed at him. Maybe he’d imagined it. He must have imagined it. Young had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. And Luke had sworn months ago that he was over all of that—the almost, the could-have-beens, the stupid ache that still showed up whenever Young smiled. He wasn’t the same insecure kid who used to blush just because Young said his name.
Except now he kind of was.
“So,” Nate said suddenly, snapping Luke from his thoughts. “You two are starting senior year soon, huh?”
Eli made a dramatic groan. “Don’t remind me. I still feel like I’m twelve half the time.”
“You still act like it,” Nate teased.
“Excuse me?” Eli raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one who still begs his mommy to make him lunch everyday because you don’t like the cafeteria food.”
“Do you blame me? It tastes like ass.”
“And you’d know what that tastes like, wouldn’t you, Nate?” Gabe chimed in, grinning like a fool.
Eli threw a napkin at him, and everyone laughed. Luke smiled faintly, glad for the noise, for something that didn’t make his heart feel like it was walking a tightrope.
Young leaned his arms on the table, his cone balanced in his hand. “You’ll both do fine. Senior year’s not as bad as everyone says.”
Luke arched an eyebrow. “Says the guy who got into Harvard.”
“Exactly,” Young said, laughing softly. “If i’m surviving that, you can survive high school.”
“Barely,” Gabe added, and Young flicked a napkin at him too.
But then Nate’s grin faltered slightly, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Speaking of college,” he said, “I leave in a couple of weeks.”
Eli’s face dropped a little. “Right. Yeah. I keep trying not to think about it.”
Luke leaned forward. “What college again?”
“Brown,” Nate said with a shy smile. “Only a couple of hours away, but still…it’s not exactly close.”
Eli reached over to squeeze his hand under the table.
“That’s awesome, though,” Gabe said sincerely. “Congrats, man. You’re gonna do great.”
“Thanks,” Nate said, smiling, but his fingers were still curled around Eli’s under the table.
Luke looked between them, then at Young, who was quietly scraping at the edge of his cone with his spoon. Their eyes met for half a second—Young’s steady and unreadable, Luke’s full of questions he’d never be brave enough to ask. Luke looked away first, pretending to focus on a drip of chocolate running down his cone. It was easier that way. Easier to be the friend. Easier to pretend that his heart wasn’t doing backflips over something that probably meant nothing at all.
“Do you?”
“Huh?” Luke snapped out of his daydream and looked to his right to see Young staring at him with a frown on his face. “Im sorry, what did you say?”
“I said I’m ordering more ice cream,” Young said. “Do you want anything?”
“Oh, uh, no thanks,” Luke rushed out.
“You sure?”
“I’m sure,” Luke nodded.
Young just nodded and stood up, walking back over to the counter.
Gabe’s phone started buzzing across the table, the familiar photo of Maddy flashing on the screen. He groaned quietly, already half-smiling as he stood. “That’s my cue,” he said, grabbing his melting cup of ice cream. “I’ll be back in a few. Don’t eat all my cookie dough.”
“Can’t make any promises,” Eli said with a grin.
Gabe rolled his eyes, already stepping away as he answered the call, his voice softening instantly. “Hey, babe…”
The second Gabe had left, Eli was leaning over the table with a demanding stare. “Okay, what the hell is going on between you and Youngjae?”
Luke’s head snapped up. “What?”
Eli leaned forward , his tone hushed but his eyes wide and wild. “Don’t play dumb. The air between you two is so thick I could cut it with a spoon. You’ve been staring at each other all afternoon like you’re about to rip each others clothes off.”
Luke blinked. “That’s—what? No, there’s nothing—”
“Come on,” Eli interrupted, gesturing dramatically. “You think I’m blind? The way he looks at you? And the way you look at him? It’s weird. It’s so weird. Weird in a… kind of intense, unresolved drama way.”
Luke’s mouth opened and closed uselessly, his face heating up fast. “There’s nothing going on,” he muttered. “He has a boyfriend, remember?”
“Doesn’t mean there’s not something going on,” Eli said under his breath.
“Wait.” Nate, who had been quietly spooning the last of his mango sorbet, finally spoke up. “This is actually a thing? I thought I was imagining it, but… there’s something off between you two.”
Luke groaned. “Oh my God, not you too.”
“I’m serious,” Nate said. “When you were sitting next to him, he barely took his eyes off you. It wasn’t… platonic.”
Eli nodded eagerly. “Exactly! Thank you! I knew I wasn’t going crazy.”
Luke rubbed his temples. “You are crazy. Both of you. He’s my brother’s best friend. He’s older. He’s—he’s Youngjae.”
“And yet,” Eli sing-songed, “he keeps looking at you like you’re the best tasting ice cream.”
Luke shot him a death glare, which only made Eli grin wider.
“I’m not saying anything’s actually happening,” Nate added diplomatically, “but there’s definitely something unresolved there. Maybe you two need to talk or—”
“No,” Luke cut him off quickly, shaking his head. “We don’t need to talk. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. We’re nothing. And even if there was something, we both wouldn’t go there. I mean, it would be awkward. Ya know? With Gabe and all that. It’s just nothing, okay? It’s nothing.”
Eli leaned his chin on his hand, watching him with a sly smirk. “You’re blushing.”
“I’m not blushing,” Luke snapped.
“You so are.”
Luke groaned again, sinking lower into the booth, wishing the seat would just swallow him whole. “Can we please talk about literally anything else?”
Eli smirked. “Fine. But just know I’m right.”
“Sure,” Luke muttered, poking at his melted ice cream, pretending it required his full attention.
But when Young returned a minute later balancing two cups and flashing that easy, heart-stopping smile as he told Luke that he got him ice cream anyway despite Luke saying no, Luke’s stomach did that annoying flip again, and the heat that crept up his neck told him Eli had definitely noticed.
God, this was unfair. Why did Youngjae have to look so goddamn good? The sunlight hit him just right. Luke tried not to stare, but his eyes kept flicking to the side, drawn in by some force he couldn’t name. Eli noticed, of course. Luke could feel it. The smug little grin pulling at the corner of his mouth was enough to make Luke want to kick him under the table.
“So,” Young said, stirring his own scoop. “What did I miss?”
Eli leaned back, stretching his arms with exaggerated nonchalance. “Oh, nothing much. We were just talking about secret crushes and hopeless romantic movies.”
Silence fell across the table and Luke clenched his jaw so hard it hurt.
“Oh, yeah?” Young asked, eyes flickering between the three of them. “What kind of secret crushes?”
Nate cleared his throat. “So, Young, how’s college life? Is it, uh… fun?” he shot out, clearly wanting to steer the conversation away from anything that would cause Luke to blow a gasket. Luke was eternally grateful that at least Nate could pretend to be normal, even if his own best friend couldn’t.
Young looked up, raising a brow. “Fun?”
“Yeah, fun,” Eli cut in, like he was dancing on the edge of something dangerous despite Luke and Nate throwing him subtle warning glares. “You know, all the parties, all the… hot new people.”
Young gave him a look that said he saw straight through it, then shook his head with a faint laugh. “It’s been good. Busy. Not as wild as people think, though.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Eli teased. “You seem like the type who’d make it wild.”
Young laughed again, that soft, melodic sound that used to drive Luke insane. He felt it twist in his chest, the kind of ache that was both familiar and confusing. He looked away, out the window, pretending to be interested in a passing car. Eli kicked him under the table, just gently. When Luke looked back, Eli’s expression said it all: you’re so obvious.
Luke wanted to sink through the floor.
When Gabe finally returned, grinning and tucking his phone into his pocket, the tension eased a little. He slid into the booth beside Young, oblivious to everything that had just been hanging in the air. “What’s wrong? What’d I miss?”
Eli grinned. “Nothing,” he said quickly. “Just catching up.”
Young shot Eli a small, knowing glance, but didn’t say anything.
Luke forced himself to smile and take a spoonful of his new ice cream, the cold sweetness doing nothing to calm the strange heat in his chest. Outside, the sunlight was starting to turn golden.
“So, any parties going on?” Gabe asked suddenly.
“Parties?” Luke asked with a frown. “You’ve just come back and you already wanna party?”
“And aren’t high school parties totally lame compared to college ones?” Eli asked.
“Nah,” Gabe waved his hand dismissively. “You’d be surprised at how fun high school parties are. College is great and all, but there’s no thrill in hiding the fact that you wanna get black out drunk, ya know?”
“Never thought I’d hear that,” Eli mumbled.
“Pretty sure Amber is throwing a party tonight,” Nate said.
“You mean the same Amber who was a transphobic bitch to my little brother not so long ago?” Gabe asked darkly.
Luke rolled his eyes. “Chill, Gabe. She doesn’t say stuff anymore.”
“She better not,” Gabe grumbled. “I say we go over there and fuck shit up.”
Young’s spoon paused halfway to his mouth. “Gabe, maybe don’t,” he said, the plea trying to sound casual but failing. “Violence is a terrible reputation to cultivate, even for you.”
Luke rolled his eyes at his brother. “Also, Amber’s younger than you.”
“So?” Gabe asked.
Luke pushed his cup away like the ice cream suddenly tasted metallic. “Just leave it. She’s not worth it.”
Gabe’s jaw tightened. “She called you Lola in front of half the school, Luke. You want me and half the lacrosse team to pretend that didn’t happen?”
“Gabe! What the fuck? It is not that simple,” Luke snapped, more upset than he meant to be. He hadn’t heard his deadname in what felt like years. Nobody said it anymore, yet here was his brother reminding him of who he used to be. Heat prickled behind his eyes. He had spent months learning to hold his ground and breathe and move through classrooms that felt hostile and he was not about to trade that for a brawl at some dumb party. “Just leave it, okay? It was in the past. She’s nice now. She’s not the only one who said awful things to me back then, alright? But I learnt to forgive and forget. To move on.”
Young watched them quietly, guilt swimming in his eyes. Luke met his gaze and swallowed thickly, quickly looking away.
Gabe sighed and shoved his empty cup toward the center of the table. “Fine. We go to her party and be boring. We will be dignified and threatening in ways that do not involve violence and confrontation.”
Luke let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Music thumped through the walls of Ambers large house, a heavy bass that made the windows hum. The backyard lights glowed a hazy gold, reflecting off the surface of the pool. Luke sat cross-legged on the grass by the edge. His plastic cup was half full of vodka and soda and mostly melted ice. It was probably his third one, though he’d stopped keeping track after realising no one else here was sober enough to care.
He could see Gabe across the yard, loud and golden and in his element. A small crowd of seniors circled around him and Youngjae like planets drawn to gravity. They were both laughing—Gabe with his easy confidence, and Young with that smooth, polite grin that somehow made everyone lean in closer. It wasn’t hard to see why people had always liked them. They looked like they belonged here, even after being gone for a whole year.
Luke tried not to stare too much at Young. Tried not to notice how good he looked in the yellow light seeping outside through the large kitchen windows. He had his sleeves rolled up and a bottle of beer dangling from his fingers. His head was tipped back in laughter too. It was stupid. So stupid.
He turned his gaze down to the water instead. The reflection wobbled, half his face distorted in the ripples. He watched the lights flicker across his skin and wondered what it must feel like to walk through a crowd like that and not flinch, or to not worry about being looked at too long or in the wrong way.
Eli and Nate were nowhere to be seen. Luke had lost them maybe twenty minutes ago, though he had a pretty good idea where they’d ended up. Upstairs, probably. Making out in secret. Forgetting the world existed. He couldn’t even be mad about it. God, they deserved to be happy. And besides, it wasn’t like he’d been great company lately anyway.
He sighed and swirled the water with his fingers, half tempted to just kick off his pants and go for a swim. The air was warm, and his skin itched with the kind of restlessness that only came when he felt invisible. Every so often, someone from the party would stumble outside to smoke or throw up in the bushes, but no one really looked at him. He was just the quiet kid by the pool. The background character in everyone else’s fun.
From across the yard, Gabe threw his arm around Young’s shoulders, laughing about something Luke couldn’t hear. Young said something back, smiling wide, and Gabe doubled over laughing. Luke couldn’t help but smile faintly too, even if it hurt a little. He took another sip of his drink, stared out over the glowing water, and let the noise of the party fade into a soft, distant hum.
“Luke.”
He blinked, dragging his gaze away from the water. Amber stood a few feet away, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, the glow from the pool lights painting her hair blue at the edges. She was holding a red cup like it was a shield.
“Oh,” Luke said, sitting up straighter. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she echoed, giving a small, hesitant smile. For a second, it looked like she might turn and leave, but instead, she walked over and lowered herself onto the grass beside him, tucking her skirt under her legs.
The silence was weird. Not awful, just thick with something unsaid. Luke stared at the rippling water, waiting for her to say whatever she came to say. She smelled like strawberry body spray and cheap beer.
“Nice night,” she said finally, her voice almost lost under the thump of the music.
“Yeah,” Luke replied cautiously. “It’s… fine.”
Amber nodded, picking at the edge of her cup. “I didn’t think you’d come tonight.”
Luke shrugged, forcing a small laugh. “Neither did I. I was kinda forced.”
“By Gabe?” she asked, motioning over to the two college students.
Luke simply nodded.
Another pause. Crickets somewhere in the bushes. Laughter from the house. Luke rubbed at his wrist, wondering if this was some kind of setup. “So,” he said slowly, “not to sound rude, but… why are you talking to me?”
Amber winced a little, her shoulders sinking. “Because I owe you an apology,” she said softly.
Luke blinked, caught off guard.
She took a deep breath. “Last year, I was… awful. I said some things I shouldn’t have. Things I didn’t even understand.” Her voice cracked slightly, and she looked down. “And I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then. About how messed up it was. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
Luke stared at her for a long time, trying to decide what to feel. His chest felt tight. He wanted to believe her, wanted to believe people could change, but he’d spent so long pretending words didn’t matter that he wasn’t sure how to react when they did.
“Why?” Luke found himself asking.
“Why what?”
“Why now? I mean, we’re almost seniors. Why are you apologising now?”
“That’s exactly why,” she sighed. “We’re almost seniors and I don’t wanna be a bitch anymore.”
Luke snorted accidentally.
“Laugh away but it’s true,” she said, letting out a small laugh. “We used to be friends and I was a fucking child about something that had nothing to do with me. Nothing about your personality changed when you came out as trans and I shouldn’t have treated you like shit. Again, I’m sorry.”
“Right,” he said quietly. “Thanks.”
Amber nodded, eyes flicking up to him with something like relief. “You don’t have to forgive me,” she said quickly. “I just… needed to say it.”
Luke looked down into the pool again, watching his reflection blur in the water. “I appreciate it,” he said, though his voice sounded distant even to himself.
For a while, they sat there in silence again, the kind that wasn’t so tense anymore, just… uncertain. Luke took another sip of his drink and let his gaze wander across the yard.
That was when he saw Youngjae who was still on the other side of the pool standing with a few people, though his attention wasn’t on them anymore. His dark eyes met Luke’s across the shimmering water. Luke nearly choked on his drink. Youngjae looked away too quickly.
Luke stood up so fast that his knees cracked. Amber glanced up at him, startled, but he just muttered something about needing another drink and brushed off the grass clinging to his jeans. The buzz from his half-finished cup was warm in his stomach. It was warm enough to make his head fuzzy but not enough to drown out the swirl of thoughts clawing at his brain.
Luke pushed through the crowd, keeping his head down as he entered the kitchen, his eyes fixed on the makeshift bar setup by the counter. A half-empty bottle of vodka sat beside a stack of plastic cups. Perfect. He grabbed a cup and poured himself more than he meant to. The liquid sloshed over the rim, splattering across his fingers. He grimaced and took a huge gulp anyway. The burn made his eyes water, but he welcomed it. It gave him something else to focus on besides the ache that came with watching Youngjae smile at other people.
“Whoa there. Slow down, crazy,” someone laughed, passing behind him.
He ignored it and poured another shot straight into his drink. Then he leaned against the counter, staring at the reflection of the party lights dancing across the window. His reflection looked small and unsure, like a kid trying too hard to act like he belonged. But the vodka helped blur that too.
Okay, he told himself, draining the cup. You’re gonna talk to him. Tonight. No more awkward glances. No more fake conversations. No more pretending you don’t care.
He grabbed another drink for courage and turned toward the backdoor, weaving through the bodies, his mind buzzing with alcohol and nerves. Every thought circled back to Youngjae and Luke fucking hated it. He just needed to get the dumb jock out of his head. Maybe this was stupid. Maybe he’d regret it tomorrow. But right now, the idea of saying nothing felt wrong. How dare Youngjae admit he had feelings for Luke’s past self and continue living like he had never mentioned it at all? How the hell was Luke supposed to deal with that? One minute he hated Youngjae, and the next he couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Was it because somebody finally saw him? Would he be this obsessed if it were somebody else? Somebody more mundane? Was Luke only obsessed because somebody ‘liked’ him and now he was craving the attention he never got? Or was it genuinely just Young that made him delusional like this?
Luke needed to find out. So he took another deep breath and stepped back into the garden, scanning the crowd for him. Tonight, he decided, he was going to find Youngjae and he was finally going to tell him everything he hadn’t been brave enough to say sober.
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