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March 2018
Luke’s backpack was heavier than usual today, and his binder was tighter than it should’ve been. Honestly, he had been going kinda crazy lately. All he could think about was one thing. It was next week. His eighteenth birthday. And his first ever appointment to talk about gender reassignment surgery. Even thinking about it made his chest flutter in a weird mix of excitement and nerves, though he tried not to let that show.
He was walking to English now, cutting across the quad where patches of grass were still brown from winter. Noah was beside him, a cup of coffee in hand, hair ruffled from the wind. Eli trailed behind them in his usual beanie and oversized jacket, dramatically pouting.
“I can’t believe you guys have English together and I’m stuck in Chemistry with those idiots,” Eli grumbled. “You’re abandoning me.”
Luke glanced back at him. “You’ll survive an hour or two without us, drama queen.”
“No, I won’t. I’ll die. You’ll come back and I’ll just be a corpse slumped over my desk.”
“Then at least we’ll get the day off school,” Noah said, not missing a beat.
Eli gasped, feigning betrayal. “Wow. And here I thought you were my friend.”
Noah smirked and threw his arm around Luke’s shoulders, steering him toward the English building. “We’ll light a candle for you, Eli.”
“Heartless,” Eli muttered, trudging off down another hallway.
When he was gone, Noah dropped his arm and looked over at Luke, his tone softer now. “So,” he said. “Big day coming up.”
Luke blinked. “What, my birthday?”
“Yeah, that. And your appointment.” Noah smiled slightly, watching him from the corner of his eye. “You excited?”
Luke shrugged, keeping his voice even. “I mean… yeah. A little. Just trying not to think too much about it.”
“Why not?” Noah asked.
“I don’t know,” Luke said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Feels like if I let myself get too excited, something’ll go wrong. You know? Like jinxing it.”
Noah hummed thoughtfully. “You’re not jinxing anything. You deserve this.”
“Thanks,” he mumbled.
After a beat, Noah nudged him with his elbow. “Still. You turning eighteen is kind of huge. We should do something.”
Luke frowned, glancing at him. “Like what?”
“I don’t know yet,” Noah said, his grin creeping back. “But I’m not letting you spend your birthday sitting in your room playing dumb video games.”
“I don’t play video games,” Luke said automatically.
“Okay, whatever it is you do alone in your room all day,” Noah shot back with a deadpanned look. “We’re celebrating. End of story.”
Luke tried to roll his eyes, but he couldn’t fight the small smile that crept onto his face. “Fine. But no surprise parties. And something that won’t make Eli go crazy.”
Noah faltered in his steps. “Eli?”
“Yeah?” Luke frowned as they entered their classroom and made their way to their usual tables. “Sometimes he gets a little dramatic about this stuff. Just plan something lowkey.”
“Well…I was planning something lowkey. Ya know…with just the two of us,” Noah said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.
“What?” Luke asked in surprise. “Just the two of us? Why?”
Noah remained silent, pretending to focus on getting his things out of his bag.
Luke froze for a moment, the strap of his backpack still slung over one shoulder as he stared at Noah. The words just the two of us echoed in his head like a quiet alarm bell. “Oh,” he said after a second, trying to sound casual. “Oh. Right. Cool.”
Noah glanced up at him, a faint smile tugging at his mouth, that same easy grin that always made Luke feel like the air around them shifted just slightly. “Yeah,” he said. “I figured we could just hang out. No big deal. Maybe grab food, go somewhere to chill.”
Luke nodded, but his throat felt dry. He dropped into his seat, pulling out his notebook even though class hadn’t started yet. “Yeah, that sounds… good. Chill is good.”
“Cool,” Noah said, but he was still watching him, and Luke could feel it—that subtle weight of being looked at, the warmth that made him want to fidget with his pen just to do something.
When Noah finally turned to open his own notebook, Luke exhaled quietly and stared down at his notebook without seeing the page. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Noah’s attention. He did. Maybe too much. And that was the problem. Because since New Year’s, since that night under the fireworks with Youngjae, Luke had been keeping his distance. Kind of. Not because he didn’t care about Noah, but because he cared too much. Every time Noah leaned too close or laughed at something he said, Luke’s chest twisted with guilt.
He hadn’t told Noah about Young. Not about the kiss, not about how confusing it had left him feeling. How for a split second it was like the world had cracked open, and then the guilt had followed right after, heavy and cold.
It wasn’t fair. Not to Noah, who was sweet and steady and didn’t play mind games. And not to himself, because he knew he was the one who kept stepping into blurry territory. He’d tried to stop it. He tried to halt the late-night calls, the casual touches that lingered too long and the soft kisses Noah would sneak in when Eli wasn’t look, but it was hard when Noah was right there all the time, being all charming and unbothered, making Luke laugh until his cheeks hurt.
And now he wanted to spend Luke’s birthday alone with him.
Luke forced himself to look up, trying to sound normal. “You sure you don’t wanna invite Eli? He’d probably kill us if he found out we hung out without him.”
Noah shrugged, his grin returning. It was smaller this time, but with that same teasing glint. “He doesn’t have to know.”
Luke laughed weakly, even though his pulse jumped. “You’re such a bad influence.”
“Yeah, but you like me anyway,” Noah said, not even looking up from his notebook.
Luke turned toward the front of the room as the teacher walked in, hoping the heat rising in his face wasn’t too obvious. He told himself to stop overthinking. To focus on class. But how could he when his cute best friend wanted to hang out with him ALONE?
Luke tapped his pen against his notebook, pretending to focus on whatever their English teacher was saying, but his mind was nowhere near the room.
A lowkey birthday thing. Just the two of us.
Was Noah classing that as a date?
The thought made Luke’s stomach twist, not in a bad way, exactly…more like that nervous, uncertain flutter that lived somewhere between excitement and panic. Because if Noah was thinking of it as a date, what did that mean for them? Luke liked him, of course he did. Noah was funny and confident in a way Luke could never quite match. He said what he wanted, laughed loudly, filled every space he was in like he belonged there. And sometimes, when Luke caught Noah watching him, it was hard not to feel like maybe he could belong next to someone like that, too. But then the other half of his brain kicked in…the part that was good at ruining things before they even started.
Could he even date someone like Noah? Someone so sure of himself? Someone who didn’t have to think twice about who he was?
Luke was still figuring himself out. He had his first appointment about surgery coming up, and even though it was something he’d wanted for years, the idea of letting anyone close enough to see him like this felt terrifying. Maybe it’d be easier if he and Noah stayed best friends. Safe. Simple. Nothing to ruin. He didn’t want to hurt him, though. Noah didn’t deserve that. He was the one who’d stuck around, the one who always noticed when Luke went quiet, who didn’t make things weird when Luke needed space.
Luke’s thoughts flickered, uninvited, to Youngjae.
They hadn’t really spoken since New Year’s. Since that kiss in Luke’s kitchen. Sure, they’d followed each other on Instagram now and liked a few posts, but that was it. A digital ghost of something that had happened once and then evaporated into silence. Maybe it had just been a moment, one of those things that felt huge when it happened but didn’t mean much after. Because if Young really wanted him, he would’ve texted. He would’ve called.
But he hadn’t.
Luke chewed on his lip, staring down at the lines in his notebook until they blurred.
Noah shifted in the seat next to him, leaning in slightly. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Luke said quickly, forcing a smile. “Just thinking about… plans.”
Noah grinned. “Oh yeah? You deciding whether I get to plan your birthday or not?”
Luke hesitated. Then he took a quiet breath, deciding he was done overthinking for once. “Actually,” he said, trying to sound casual, “I’m kinda excited to see what you come up with. For our, uh… date.” The word slipped out before he could stop it.
Noah froze, his grin faltering for half a second before returning…smaller now, but definitely there. “Date, huh?”
Luke felt his ears burn. “I mean, not like a date date. Just—”
Noah’s voice dropped just enough that only Luke could hear. “No, it’s okay. I like the sound of that.”
Luke’s heart did an unhelpful flip, and he quickly ducked his head, pretending to write something down. Maybe he didn’t know what any of this meant yet. Maybe it was messy and confusing and way too soon after everything with Young. But for the first time in a while, he wasn’t thinking about what could go wrong. He was just thinking about Noah and that smile that somehow made everything feel a little lighter.
・・・・・૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა・・・・・
The hospital smelled like antiseptic and coffee, two things Luke already associated with anxiety. The waiting room was bright in a way that felt too clean, too open. Everything was white or pale blue, from the walls to the seats to the quiet faces of the people sitting around him.
His parents sat on either side of him, close but not saying much. His mom kept fidgeting with the strap of her handbag, and his dad was pretending to read a magazine he clearly wasn’t focused on. The silence between them wasn’t cold, it was careful. Like everyone was afraid to say the wrong thing.
Luke’s leg bounced uncontrollably. He tried to stop it, pressing his palms down against his knees, but the restless energy just moved up into his chest instead. His heartbeat felt too loud, like it was echoing in his ears.
He’d been waiting for this appointment for years. All those nights scrolling through forums, researching surgeons, watching YouTube videos of people talking about their transitions. He’d built this moment up so much in his head that now that it was actually happening, it didn’t feel real. Part of him wanted to be excited. He was excited. But the other part, the bigger part right now, was terrified.
What if he said the wrong thing?
What if the doctor didn’t take him seriously?
What if he wasn’t ready?
He’d practiced what he’d say, even wrote some things down in his phone notes just in case his mind blanked. Hi, I’m Luke. I’m transgender. I’m here to talk about top surgery. It sounded simple enough when he rehearsed it in his room, but now the words felt huge.
He glanced at his parents. His mom noticed and smiled, small and soft. “You doing okay, sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” Luke lied. His throat felt dry. “Just nervous, I guess.”
“That’s normal,” she said, resting a hand on his arm. “You’ve waited a long time for this.”
His dad nodded. “Whatever happens, we’re proud of you, okay? You know that.”
Luke didn’t trust himself to answer, so he just nodded back. His chest ached with something heavy and warm all at once.
A nurse eventually called his name, and Luke’s heart stuttered. His mom squeezed his hand, his dad gave him a reassuring nod, and he stood up on legs that felt like they didn’t quite belong to him. This was it. All the years of wanting, of pretending, of second-guessing…everything led here. And even though his hands were shaking and his chest was tight, and every instinct screamed to run…Luke took a breath, lifted his chin, and followed the nurse down the hall.
The nurse led him to a small consultation room. It had white walls, a desk, a few chairs, and a poster about post-op recovery on the wall. The air smelled faintly of hand sanitizer and paper.
“Dr. Pat will be with you shortly,” the nurse said kindly before closing the door behind her.
Luke sat down on the edge of the chair, his hands clasped so tightly together they hurt. His mom sat beside him, rubbing small circles on his back. His dad sat across from them, elbows on his knees, giving him that same look. All proud, worried and patient.
He couldn’t stop staring at the poster on the wall. Top surgery recovery tips. It had a smiling person holding a pillow against their chest. Something about it made his stomach twist. That could be him. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel possible.
When the door opened again, he almost jumped.
“Hi, Luke?” The doctor stepped in with a warm smile. She was in her forties, with kind eyes and a calm voice. “I’m Dr. Pat. It’s so good to meet you.”
Luke managed a small, awkward smile. “You too.”
She sat down at the desk, flipping open his file. “I understand you’re here to discuss top surgery options today, right?”
Luke nodded quickly. “Yeah. I, um—yeah.”
“Great,” she said gently. “No need to rush through this. Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself first? How long have you been thinking about this?”
He hesitated, feeling his mom’s reassuring presence beside him. “Um… since I was maybe twelve? I didn’t have the words for it then, but I knew something felt wrong. I came out when I was fourteen.”
Dr. Pat nodded thoughtfully, jotting down a note. “That’s a long time to sit with those feelings. I can imagine it’s been a journey getting here.”
Luke huffed a small laugh, nervous and shaky. “Yeah. You could say that.”
They talked for a while. About his history, his hormones, how he was feeling now. The doctor explained the different surgical options, the healing time, the risks. She spoke gently, clearly, like she understood how much every word meant. At some point, Luke stopped shaking. The nerves didn’t disappear exactly, they just shifted into something else. Something steadier.
When Dr. Pat asked if he had any questions, he shook his head. “No, I… I just…thank you,” he said quietly. “For, you know… being nice about it.”
She smiled. “Of course. You deserve to be treated with kindness, Luke.”
That sentence nearly undid him.
When the appointment ended, the doctor handed him a folder. Inside were resources, contacts, and next steps—a list of things to do before surgery could even be scheduled. It was still a long process, but it was real. As they left the room, Luke clutched the folder like it was the most precious thing he’d ever held.
His mom looped her arm through his, her eyes shining. “How do you feel?”
Luke took a deep breath. “Scared,” he admitted. Then a small, wobbly smile broke across his face. “But good. Really good.”
His dad ruffled his hair gently. “You did great, kiddo.”
And as they walked back down that bright, sterile hallway, Luke realised for the first time in his life, the future didn’t feel impossible anymore. It felt like something he could actually reach. He was gonna do it. He was going to get that surgery.
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