Array
(
[text] =>
It had been days.
The kind of days that blurred together. Pale mornings and long afternoons that melted into one another like slow-moving fog. Luke hadn’t done much of anything. The most he managed was dragging himself out of bed to use the bathroom or pick at whatever food his mom left outside his door. Mostly, though, he just lay there.
The ceiling above him had become too familiar, a blank off-white sky where his thoughts circled endlessly. Every few hours, he’d hear voices downstairs. They were trying, he knew. Trying to fill the quiet that had settled over the house. Trying to pretend everything was normal. But Luke could feel their worry. It clung to the walls, heavy and suffocating.
Sometimes Gabe would push open the door without knocking, his familiar mop of hair appearing in the doorway. He wouldn’t say much, just kick off his shoes and flop onto the bed beside Luke, the mattress dipping under his weight. They’d lie there in silence, Gabe scrolling absently through his phone while Luke stared at the wall. It was weirdly comforting, the quiet companionship. Gabe didn’t push. Didn’t ask questions. Just existed beside him, like he knew Luke didn’t need advice or conversation, just someone who didn’t expect anything from him.
Still, every time Gabe’s phone lit up with a notification or a picture from Young, something sharp twisted in Luke’s chest. He wanted to tell him. God, he wanted to. To just spill everything. Spill the truth about the dumb fucking kiss, the stupid argument, the weeks of tension that led up to it. To tell his brother that the reason he couldn’t eat or sleep wasn’t because of some nameless depression, but because he’d fallen for the one person he was never supposed to.
But how could he?
How could he look Gabe in the eye and admit that his best friend, the guy he trusted most, had admitted that he had feelings for his little brother in a moment of confusion and heartbreak just before he had left for college? How could he betray Young like that when Young had trusted him enough to be honest about who he was?
Luke rolled onto his side, pressing his face into his pillow to block out the light seeping through the curtains. His eyes burned, but he didn’t have the energy to cry anymore. He just lay there, listening to the faint sound of Gabe’s thumbs tapping across the phone screen.
He wondered if Young was texting Gabe right now. If they were talking about lacrosse, or classes, or anything that wasn’t this.
“Mom says you should come downstairs later,” Gabe mumbled, eyes still on his phone. “She made some soup and garlic bread.”
Luke just hummed.
Gabe sighed and set the phone on his chest. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, okay? But… I’m here.”
Luke nodded, barely moving. He appreciated it. He really did. But the one person he wanted to talk to, the one person who could make sense of the mess in his head, was miles away and pretending like that night never happened. So Luke just stayed where he was, letting the world move without him, sinking deeper into the quiet ache that had become his new normal.
“Let’s do something dumb,” Gabe said suddenly, breaking the long silence.
Luke groaned without opening his eyes. “We’re already doing something dumb. We’re existing.”
“I’m serious,” Gabe said, rolling onto his side to face him. “Let’s, I don’t know, dye our hair or something. Go full breakdown chic.”
Luke cracked one eye open. “You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah,” Gabe said cheerfully, “but I’m an idiot with car keys and a brother who looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in a week.”
“I don’t want to dye my hair.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I really don’t.”
“You say that now,” Gabe said, sitting up and snatching his phone from the bed, “but ten minutes from now you’re gonna be telling me you want to go platinum blonde or some shit.”
“Gabe.”
“Luke.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then Luke sighed in defeat. “You’re not gonna drop this, are you?”
“Not a chance,” Gabe grinned, already on his feet. “C’mon, put on some shoes. We’re going to Walmart.”
✩♬ ₊˚.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✩♬ ₊˚.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The fluorescent lights were too bright, and everything smelled faintly like plastic and floor cleaner. Gabe was humming under his breath as he scanned the shelves of hair dye like this was the most serious decision he’d ever made. Luke stood behind him, hood up, hands shoved in his pockets, trying not to care.
“What colour are you thinking?” Gabe asked, holding up two boxes. “Jet black or, hear me out…’Dark Indigo Night.'”
Luke blinked at him. “You want to look like a Disney villain?”
“Obviously,” Gabe said. “What about you?”
“I’m not doing this.”
“You are,” Gabe said, tossing a random box into the basket. “You’ll thank me later when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realise you look cooler than all your emotional baggage combined.”
Luke rolled his eyes, but a tiny laugh slipped out despite himself.
Back home, the bathroom was chaos. There were towels on the floor, gloves too big for their hands, the smell of dye so strong it made Luke’s head spin.
Gabe stood shirtless at the sink, smirking at his reflection as he tried to rub the black stains off his forehead. “You’re gonna have to admit this was a good idea.”
Luke sat cross-legged on the floor behind him in nothing but basketball shorts and his binder, the box of dye open beside him. His hair was slick with product, dripping slightly down his neck. He didn’t care about the mess. Or his reflection. Or much of anything.
“Turn around,” Gabe said, snapping him out of his daze. “I missed a spot at the back.”
Luke obeyed, closing his eyes as Gabe ran gloved fingers through his hair. The latex tugged a little, but the sensation was oddly grounding. Familiar.
When Gabe didn’t say anything for a moment, Luke opened his eyes and caught his brother’s reflection in the mirror. Gabe’s gaze wasn’t on his hair—it was flicking downwards, hesitating.
Luke tensed. “What?”
“Nothing,” Gabe said quickly.
“Spit it out.”
Gabe dropped his hands and leaned back against the sink. “I was just wondering if you’ve thought any more about… y’know. Transitioning. Like, properly.”
Luke froze. “Why the hell would you bring that up right now?”
“I’m not trying to pry,” Gabe said gently. “It’s just, you wear your binder a lot. Even at home when you’re sleeping. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, because I have. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. That you’re doing this for you and not because someone made you feel like you had to.”
Luke’s chest went tight. He didn’t know how to respond. Because, yeah, he had been wearing his binder non stop. He knew it was unsafe. He knew he should probably take it off at night to avoid suffocation or back problems. But every time he saw himself without it, he just felt wrong. Like he was seeing a version of himself he didn’t fit into anymore. But explaining that meant saying things he wasn’t ready to say out loud.
“I’m fine,” he said instead, too quickly.
Gabe didn’t look convinced. “Luke—”
“I said I’m fine,” Luke snapped, twisting away from him. “Can we just finish this before the dye stains my soul?”
There was a tense pause, then Gabe’s quiet laugh filled the space again, softer this time. “Alright,” he said. “Fine. But if you ever wanna talk about it, you know I’ve got you, right?”
Luke didn’t answer. He just stared at the floor as Gabe picked up the dye again, pretending not to notice the sting in his eyes or the warmth of his brother’s hand steadying his head.
“So, Eli and Nate,” Gabe said casually.
Luke let out a groan. “Oh God, what about them?”
Gabe smirked. “Just asking how that’s going. Last time I saw them was at the party and they couldn’t go five minutes without staring at each other like they wanted to rip each others clothes off.”
Luke snorted, wiping a streak of dye off his temple. “Yeah, it’s… intense.”
“In a cute way or an annoying way?”
“Both,” Luke admitted. “Mostly annoying.” He paused, the air suddenly heavier. “It’s just…lately Eli’s been so busy. Always talking to Nate, always going out, always laughing about something that I’m not part of. I mean, I get it, I do. He’s happy. But I still feel like…” He trailed off, chewing his lip. “I feel selfish for being glad Nate’s leaving for college.”
Gabe glanced up at him. “You feel glad?”
Luke gave a helpless shrug. “Yeah. Because it means I’ll get Eli back. I know that’s awful. Nate’s a nice guy. He makes Eli really happy. But I miss how things used to be. It’s like everyone’s moving on and I’m just…” He waved vaguely at himself. “Here. Doing nothing.”
Gabe’s expression softened. “You’re not doing nothing. You’re graduating this year so that’s something to look forward to. And listen, you’ve been through a lot these past few years, Luke. It’s okay to feel left behind sometimes. Doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.”
Luke sighed. “You say stuff like that and make me feel worse for being moody.”
Gabe laughed. “Yeah, it’s my special talent.”
Before Luke could reply, their mom’s voice echoed from downstairs. “Dinner, boys! Don’t even think about skipping again!”
Gabe sighed. “Guess the dye break is over.”
Luke pushed himself to his feet, already feeling the stiff, itchy weight of dried dye on his scalp. “If we both go down looking like swamp creatures, she’ll ground us.”
“Then we better rinse,” Gabe said, flicking his gloves into the bin and turning on the tap. “I’ll do yours if you do mine.”
Luke nodded. The bathroom mirror fogged up as they leaned over the tub one at a time, letting the cool water rinse the colour from their hair. It swirled down the drain in streaks of blue and black until the water finally ran clear. When Luke straightened up, dripping and squinting, Gabe handed him a towel.
“Moment of truth?”
Luke rubbed at his hair, then caught sight of himself in the mirror. He blinked in surprise. It wasn’t some wild transformation, but the difference was still striking—the dark navy blue caught the light in subtle streaks, inky but vibrant enough to stand out against his pale skin. He looked… different. Darker. More himself.
“Holy shit,” Gabe said from behind him, grinning wide. “You look like a anime character.”
“Shut up,” Luke muttered, but his lips twitched.
They took turns with the hairdryer, laughing when Luke’s hair poofed up like a startled cat. Gabe messed it up on purpose, and Luke shoved him away with a groan. But when it finally settled, Luke caught his reflection again and felt a flicker of something he hadn’t felt in days—something like pride. For once, he didn’t hate what he saw. And as Gabe grinned beside him, towel slung over his shoulders, Luke thought maybe doing something dumb wasn’t the worst idea his brother had ever had.
✩♬ ₊˚.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✩♬ ₊˚.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺✩♬
Later that night, after they’d cleaned up the hair dye mess and the bathroom no longer looked like a crime scene, Luke sat on the edge of his bed scrolling aimlessly through his phone. Gabe was sprawled out on it too, tapping away at his messages, a faint smirk tugging at his mouth. Luke didn’t have to ask to know what that look meant.
“You’re going out, aren’t you?” he said flatly.
Gabe looked up, guilty for half a second before shrugging. “Yeah. The lacrosse team from last year’s doing a catch-up thing. Just a few drinks, nothing crazy.”
Luke’s throat tightened before he could stop it. “Right. Cool.”
“I won’t be late,” Gabe promised, pulling on his jacket. “You gonna be okay here?”
Luke forced a smile. “Yeah. I’m not a baby. Go have fun.”
But once the door clicked shut behind him, the silence pressed in like a weight. The house felt too big, too still. Luke tossed his phone aside, then picked it back up again. He stared at Eli’s name for a good minute before finally hitting call.
Eli answered on the third ring, sounding breathless and distracted. “Hey, dude. What’s up?”
“Nothing much,” Luke said, picking at a thread on his blanket. “Just wondering if you wanted to hang out.”
There was a pause, muffled voices in the background, then Eli’s voice again. “Ah, sorry. I’m with Nate right now. He’s leaving soon, remember?”
Luke nodded even though Eli couldn’t see him. “Right. Yeah. Of course. Don’t worry about it.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, totally fine,” Luke said too quickly, already ending the call before Eli could say more.
He dropped the phone onto the bed and stared at the ceiling for a while. He hated it. He hated how lonely everything felt, how empty the space around him was. After a few minutes, he sighed and dragged himself out of bed. Maybe sitting with his parents would make him feel less… whatever this was.
He found them in the living room, half-watching some crime drama. His mom smiled when she saw him. “Hey, sweetie. Need something?”
“No. Just bored,” Luke muttered, curling up in the corner of the couch.
His dad muted the TV. “You’ve been awfully quiet lately. Everything alright?”
Luke shrugged, eyes fixed on his knees. “Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”
His mom tilted her head, studying him in that way that made him feel both seen and exposed. “You sure? You seem… off.”
He swallowed hard, feeling that ache in his chest again. He wanted to tell them everything, but the words jammed in his throat. The truth was too raw, too heavy to let out. So, he took a breath and said something else instead. “Can we maybe… I don’t know, make an appointment soon? With the hospital.”
His parents exchanged a quick glance.
“What for, honey?” his mom asked gently.
Luke’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Top surgery. I’ll be eighteen soon. I just… I don’t want to wait anymore.”
The room went quiet, the kind of quiet that hums in your bones. Then his mom nodded slowly, her eyes softening. “Okay,” she said. “We’ll look into it. We’ll call them this week.”
Luke looked up, blinking fast. “Really?”
“Really,” his dad said firmly. “You’ve waited long enough.”
And something inside Luke cracked. Not in a painful way this time, but like a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding for years was finally released. He smiled a little, the first real one in days, even though his eyes watered a little. “Thanks.”
His mom reached over and squeezed his hand. “You’re our kid, Luke. That’s never going to change. Whatever makes you happy, we’re going to give that to you. Understand?”
Luke stared down at where his mom’s hand rested on top of his. Her thumb brushed over his knuckles, soft and absent, like she used to do when he was little. Something warm twisted in his chest. He didn’t say it much (he wasn’t really good at saying things like that)but he loved his parents. More than anything. They’d never once made him feel like who he was was wrong. Even when he hadn’t known how to explain it himself.
He could still remember that night in freshman year so vividly it made his throat ache. The one where he’d completely broken down in their room. He’d sat on the floor by their bed, his chest heaving, words spilling out in choked sobs. He’d told them how much he hated being seen as a girl, how he couldn’t stand looking in the mirror, how every morning felt like waking up in someone else’s skin. His mom had climbed down to the floor beside him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, rocking him back and forth until his breathing slowed. His dad had sat on the edge of the bed, silent tears slipping down his cheeks, reaching out a hand every now and then just to remind Luke he was there too.
They hadn’t said anything he’d expected. They hadn’t told him it was a phase or that he was confused. They just held him. All night. Until his eyes burned from crying and his body gave up and went still in his mom’s arms. And when morning came, they’d made pancakes and told him he didn’t have to have it all figured out yet. That whatever he needed, they’d be there. Always.
Luke blinked, pulled back to the present as his dad laughed softly at something on the muted TV. His mom leaned against his shoulder, warm and solid. He realised, in that quiet moment, that no matter how many people left or hurt him, no matter how complicated his feelings got, he’d always have this. Them. His family. And maybe that was enough. For now.
[text_hash] => c62bb66c
)