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57 minutes after waking up was a terrible time to make life-altering decisions. I didn’t have enough patience, mental capacity, or active brain cells this early in the morning. Luckily for me, I’d had a mental breakdown from 12 to 4 am the night before so I woke up pre-stocked with copious amounts of guilt. Rin and I waited until we got into different relationships before acknowledging a sexual connection between us. If there is a god, he’s got a serious bone to pick with me.
That was the only perspective I held slumping my way to class Tuesday morning. My eyelids were swollen and stiff after crying for so long and I think a new zit popped up on my chin just to make a bad day worse. On the bright side, if Rin followed predictable patterns, we would avoid each other during the day and when he came by my house to do freaky business, I just wouldn’t answer the door.
My sleep-deprived brain was satisfied with that plan until I walked into my first period. Frozen in the doorway, I suddenly remembered slides from freshman health class. Did you know driving when tired is as dangerous as driving when drunk? People can’t survive without sleep. When you don’t sleep, your brain doesn’t work right. And, when you don’t sleep, you come up with plans that don’t account for your best friend getting to class 15 minutes early and sitting in your chair.
“Can we talk?” Rin asked, his perky bum perfectly planted in my seat. “I know we can’t talk here but outside maybe?”
“I have nothing to say,” I lied.
Technically, I had nothing to say right now because I could barely look at him. He just seemed so happy and I felt so miserable. His skin was glowing more than usual and I’d never seen his side-part look so perfect. His clear skin mocked my painful new zit so with all that in mind, there was no way we could talk about that kiss.
“We have like 20 minutes until class starts. If not now, when?”
That was a very good question. Unfortunately for him, I wouldn’t be answering it. I slipped into Rin’s perfect, undented seat, used my arms to create a pillow on the desk, and fell asleep.
“Elly? El . . . ?”
Rin’s voice was my favorite thing in the world so it made the perfect lullaby. With him trying and failing to get my attention, I was asleep in seconds.
—————
I learned that day that the ‘R’ in Rin stood for relentless. My protest nap did nothing to deter him. Maybe sleeping in his face just fired him up because he was everywhere. He was there during homeroom, trying to get my attention.
“You never do homework at school,” he complained while I filled out math problems to ignore him.
“Maybe I’m creating new habits.”
“Bullshit.”
“Language!” Ms Gupta interrupted before reading more African-American poetry.
In math class, I got full marks on my homework but Mrs Smithson had us doing partnerwork again so assigned seating couldn’t protect me. Rin was at my side talking about math and only math. What he wrote was a different story. He scribbled on the corner of his notebook, turning it towards me after each sentence so I could read it.
He started out tame: What were you going to do to me before we stopped?
Then he escalated to: I love the way you taste. I want to touch you again. I want to kiss you with the lights on.
For obvious reasons, I couldn’t work with him anymore. I’m not sure how Rin thought sexually suggestive notes would lead to a productive conversation but he seemed especially frustrated when I tried to leave math without him.
Rin stopped me right beside the door. The rest of our classmates could see him pin me against the lockers and watched us curiously on their way out of math.
“Come on, El. You can’t ignore me forever.”
“Wanna bet?”
A frown tilted the corners of his mouth downward and dimmed his skin’s happy glow. Good. Now I wasn’t the only one realizing that the shit we did had consequences.
Just putting my fingertips to his chest was enough to get Rin to back off. Now freed, I started walking down to the cafeteria. Rin trailed behind me the entire time, the extra set of footsteps alerting me of his presence.
I really thought that, between the two of us, I was the clingy one. Now, I don’t think anything I ever did could top Rin’s performance today.
We were a couple steps from the cafeteria door when Rin made his presence known. He jogged ahead of me, stopping me with a hand on each arm.
“Stay here for like 30 seconds. I’ll be right back.”
Then he turned around and started sprinting to the front doors. His instructions were so specific and his actions were so strange that I had to listen. At least so I could see what he wanted me to stay here for. A minute and a half later (so maybe I looked at the clock a few times to check) Rin jogged back up to me with two branded bags in hand.
“I got this for backup in case you kept ignoring me. Didn’t think I’d actually need it,” he chuckled before showing me inside one of the bags. A triangular box marked ‘ch’ for cheese. A kid’s side of 2% milk. This idiot had doordashed my lunch order.
My cheeks puffed up, suddenly filled with air because it took everything I had not to laugh in his face. He really paid for two meals and delivery to get something we usually picked up for free.
It was so sweet.
He held the two kid meals on either side of his head, beckoning me with his eyes to give up and just talk.
“Someone order food?”
James materialized behind me, throwing his arm around my shoulder so he could peer curiously at the bags. Rin’s eyes sharpened immediately. He didn’t even try to hide his distaste when James reached out and quickly pulled the food out of reach.
“I was just asking El to join me for lunch. Alone.”
The friendly look on James’s face slipped away and what was left behind scared me. I’d never seen him look so cold but with Rin’s firm glare still on him, James seemed . . . angry. Then he looked at me and my heart might have stopped right then and there.
Did he know? Could he tell?
Of course he didn’t. Having Rin and James so combative made my paranoia flare up but that didn’t make my fears true.
James couldn’t know. But I did.
I knew what would happen if Rin and I spent the next hour alone, laughing over pizza and milk meant for kids half our age.
James repositioned his arm, now grabbing my shoulder and I made up my mind.
“Sorry, I’m going to have lunch with my boyfriend.”
I didn’t look to see James’s reaction. Watching Rin’s face crumple until he was staring blankly at the floor was all my mind had space for.
“You got us lunch?” Stephanie tucked her arm under Rin’s, eyes lighting up when they took in the branded plastic bags. With a huff, Rin put one in her hand.
“Yeah.”
The picturesque couple went into the cafeteria and after a beat, James and I followed.
—————
I waited until everyone else already filtered out of economics before even approaching the classroom door. My fingers carefully gripped the doorway and like a disney channel character, I anxiously peered outside. No Rin Hamada waiting for me. I might make it.
Each backpack strap was meticulously tightened for maximum speed. With the bag practically glued to my body, I sprinted down the hall. The sound of air rushing past my ears just added to the suspense. I could barely feel my feet smacking against laminated tiles. All my brain power worked to get me out of this damn building. The front doors were just around this corner. A few more steps, a bit of foot traffic, and then I’d be home free.
I started to smile but the expression flew off my face when I was yanked sideways. My remaining momentum was redirected to help me safely stumble into the foreign room.
“What the fuck!” I yelled, unsurprised that it was Rin who pulled me away. “Do you know how much I embarrassed myself to avoid you just for you to drag me in here?! I ran, Rin. With a backpack!”
The door closed with a soft click. We stood in one of the smaller classrooms that struggled to fit 30 desks in a single room. The halls around us were emptying quickly as the other students went home or out to the fields for practices. Meaning that in minutes, we would be completely alone.
“How long have you been here?” I sighed, raising a suspicious brow at him. I think he got what I was really asking when he shrugged.
“I usually sleep through philosophy anyway. It’s fine.”
It’s not. Rin Hamada skipping class is so unlike him and definitely not fine.
“Why are you running away from me? Seriously.”
We had an entire classroom to ourselves but we still stood just beside the door, his hand lingering on my wrist from when he pulled me in here. When I didn’t immediately answer, Rin started sliding his finger along my wrist. The fine hairs under his fingers stood to attention and my blood boiled.
“Because we’re not supposed to do this!” I flung his hand off of me, backing away with wild eyes. “Sneaking around, kissing each other behind our partners backs. It’s not right!”
“No one’s forcing you.”
He looked angry. Even more than me. The frustration from a day of rejection had clearly taken its toll. I saw it in his tightly wound fists and clenched jaw. So I didn’t understand why he kept coming closer. Strong huffs hit my face and his shoulders were hunched up like he was going to do something. I couldn’t find it in me to be scared, though. I knew him too well.
“You don’t have to kiss me just ’cause you’re alone with me. You didn’t have to kiss me the other night but you did,” Rin argued heatedly. When he reached out, he was too close for me to see the movement. I just felt his fingers gently caress my own. His touch was soft yet the action was as startling as if he’d just kissed me again.
“I know you feel it too, El.” His voice dropped low, the words barely louder than the air leaving his lungs. “Since that night at your house, since we were alone in the club, it’s all I can think about. When we’re together, something’s different and I don’t want to fight it anymore.”
His chest grazed mine. I don’t remember us being this close. I thought there was still a gap but now there’s none. I know that I can kiss him if I just lift my chin. Just a little. The fact that we could close that gap right now but we don’t makes my skin tingle.
“I don’t want to fight it either.”
Every nerve stands on end, alert and pointed at the man in front of me. It’s only when I look into Rin’s eyes that I realize I’d started staring at his parted lips. Staring into his eyes makes my body hum in the worst, best way possible. I know exactly what will happen if I do it. The memory of our first kiss is burned into my senses. The image of it makes me sway. Subconsciously I hope our lips will accidentally brush so I don’t have to make the choice. So I can just take exactly what I want.
His other hand slips into mine and I sigh, shutting my eyes closed.
“But James-“
“How can you think about James right now?”
His head falls beside mine. His mouth is on my neck. His tongue is on my neck. I writhe and moan and hate myself for arching into him before pulling away.
“Because he’s my boyfriend?!” I pant, so confused and so angry. “God, I’m supposed to be the selfish one, Rin. What’s gotten into you?”
Rin just breathes heavily, eyes so lost that I lose hope in getting an answer today. All I can do is shake my head and leave.
Walking outside of that room and being in a space where I don’t inhale him with every breath gives me the ability to think again.
Honestly speaking, I loved it. I loved our kiss. I loved our time in the club. I love this game we continue to play. But at the end of the day, that’s all it is. A game.
I freaked out in front of him, reminded him time and time again why we can’t do this anymore, and all Rin did was talk about our sexual tension. He talked about his instinctual drive more than his own thoughts. He focused on his dick more than the feelings of real people. More than my feelings.
Before Steph, Rin Hamada had notorious flings. As his best friend, I was the first to hear stories about the girls he fooled around with. But I wouldn’t become one of those stories. I refused.
There was no foot traffic when I pushed open the front doors. I was alone when they swung open and the sudden rush of cool air gave me clarity.
I can’t be Rin’s fuck buddy. But I can’t be James’s boyfriend either.
James needs the truth and ready or not, it’s time that I give him that.
———————————
If it makes you guys feel better, I named this chapter after a lyric from the Disney Channel original movie Let it Shine:
“Don’t run away. Don’t run away from the truth. Cause I’m not giving up on you~”
I feel like if someone were to psychoanalyze me, they’d find out that I secretly want to be pulled into random rooms and kissed by my lover. I think that’s a consistent theme with my books, lol
Thank you for reading!
Please vote, comment, share, follow, anything else you can do with this book and I will see you next week!
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