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Getting to school Tan doesn’t expect Lin to be waiting at their locker with morning coffees and she wasn’t, he hasn’t slept all night. Somehow if everyone could forget how weird he’s been acting it would help. His best friend is probably going to take his other best friends away and the only other person he had, he can’t look in the eyes without wanting to kill himself.
“Tanner” he hears the principal behind him as he drags himself to class looking like a pile of dirty laundry with bed head.
“Yes Principal Taylor” he turns around
She notices his state but doesn’t question or comment, “I need you to sit in on the prom committee meeting today during advisory.”
He sighs “but that’s my free period I was going to take a nap in the library”
“Excuse me?” Her tone changes
He laughs nervously “whaaaaat I don’t nap in the library I’m just kidding PT”
“Meeting today at 1 will you go?”
“Of course anything for my favorite principal” Tan tries to be cute but she doesn’t buy it and walks away. He drops the smile “Tanner do this Tanner do that… I just want to take a freaking nap!” He mumbles as he walks away.
“Where’s Lin?” Tan is stopped by Erica and Ronnie while leaving his second period
“I don’t know” they all walk.
“Well we’ve been looking for her all morning she won’t answer my FaceTime” Erica explains
“Or my texts” and Ronnie adds.
“If she won’t answer any of you then why would I know any different?”
“Because you’re the only person we haven’t asked yet,” Ronnie says it in an obvious tone. “If she’s not with you and we don’t know where she is, then where the hell is she?”
“Probably somewhere sucking face with Cyrus” Tan avoids telling them about the fight.
“Lin wouldn’t do that though” Erica points out
“Then I don’t know! I’m going to third period” he walks away from them.
It’s lunch and Tan’s been doing so good avoiding his friends and Sven, but every corner he turns there they are, it’s like they go to school here. “Tan!” He hears behind him as he’s walking trying to skip lunch. He knows he can’t outrun Sven, the boy runs for a living so he turns to Sven who walks up to him. “I’ve been looking for you all morning, why aren’t you answering my texts?”
“My phone died” he turned it off “and I’ve been in class and with my friends all morning, so that’s probably why you couldn’t find me.”
Sven knows he’s lying because he already asked Ronnie and Erica twice for Him. “Okay? Do you want to go grab lunch off campus? You look like you could use some frozen yogurt”
“I’ve asked you to get froyo for months but you were always on some weird diet that wouldn’t let you eat anything.”
“I know but I can eat whatever I want now Basketball season is over, so come on”
“I can’t,” Tan says as Sven’s about to walk away expecting Tan to follow. “Principal Taylor asked me to sit in on the prom committee lunch meeting, and…” he looks at his ‘dead phone’ “I’m already late so I gotta go, rain check.” He quickly walks away from Sven disappearing into the next hallway.
Safely making it through lunch hiding in a secret place, Tan sneaks to his locker to grab some things. When he’s done he shuts his locker to find Erica and Ronnie standing there. “what the-” they scare him
“What the hell’s going on Tan? we haven’t seen you and Lin all day” Erica asks as they block him from escaping.
“Lin and I got in a fight” Tan sighs “she’s insinuating dumb ideas and won’t believe anything I say, so now she’s pissed and for once I don’t care. She even had the audacity to pull the third-grade card on me!”
Ronnie and Erica look at each other and Ronnie says “oh” they laugh “you guys are doing this again, let us know when you’re over it.”
“Doing what? Over what?” Tan is confused by their reactions
“Your annual third-grade fight” Ronnie answers
“Every year you guys fight about some garbage and throw third grade in each other’s faces, Ron and I aren’t getting in the middle anymore, we’re always forced to choose. So we’re gonna let you guys work this one out” they walk away from Tan leaving him shocked by what just happened. He actually got out of that without making it worst, this is probably the best thing that’s happened to Tan today.
It’s Thursday and Tan’s back to school again being ignored by his friends and too much of a coward to face Sven. So keeping his head down he’ll just have to get through today like he did yesterday, and like he probably will have to tomorrow. He misses his people but until he tells the truth Lin won’t talk to him, plus Erica and Ronnie won’t talk to either of them until they make up, so they’re both pretty lonely right now.
Walking to his locker Tan sees Lin standing at hers, he hides waiting for her to finish when Sven walks up to her. “Hey Lin” he can hear them clearly so instead of walking away he decides to eavesdrop
“Hi” she ruffles through her locker
“Has Tan been acting weird to you?”
“Wouldn’t know I’m not talking to him.”
“Why not?”
“Yeah, why not Linda?” Tan whispers from the corner he’s hiding in
“Because friendships mean nothing to Tan he’ll just lie to your face, don’t expect anything from him, Sven. All Tan cares about is Tan.” The words hurt Tan as he quietly listens “he’ll lie to you and then call your friendship a disappointment.”
“Tan said that?”
“Yes and I’m tired of it so I’m done”
“You don’t mean that Tan’s your best friend”
“He hasn’t been acting like one Sven are you not listening?” Tan is “he doesn’t know how to be other people’s friends, and unless everything’s about Tan he’ll just start to lie.”
“I’ve never known Tan to be selfish, whatever you think he’s lying about if he’s denying it maybe it’s either true or for a good reason. Tan’s never given me a reason to doubt him and I wouldn’t start now, he’s amazing.” Sven smiles just talking about him
Lin scoffs “the only reason Tan’s such a great friend and is so amazing to you is because…” she stops herself
“Don’t do it Linda” Tan whispers knowing what she wants to say
“Because what?” Sven waits for her answer
Knowing better she says “nothing because of nothing.”
“Just look at it from his perspective Lin, what are the only reasons Tan would ever lie to you?” Sven walks away leaving her to think.
Tan follows Sven to his locker, standing next to him as he opens his locker Sven goes to say something but Tan interrupts. “Meet me in the boiler room five minutes,” Sven watches him walk away confused by everything.
He meets him there anyway. Walking into the boiler room where Tan’s waiting Sven starts “if this is where you kill me please just do it from the neck down, I want an open casket” he jokes.
But Tan’s on another mission “I heard what you said to Lin, do you really think I’m amazing?”
Sven smiles “if the world was filled with Tans maybe people wouldn’t hate it so much.” He laughs “that was a bit of a stretch but I said it and I meant it. I don’t care what Lin’s mad at you for you’re always there for me so I’m here for you.”
“I really need a hug” Tan gets sad
“Then come here” Walking into his open arms Tan buries himself in Sven’s chest as his arms wrap around Tan. They stand like that for a minute then Sven says “I know you’re mad at me too” causing Tan to pull away. “I wasn’t thinking Tan and what happened between us wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I’m in a bad place and I know it felt like I took advantage of you and I’m so sorry, you know I would never do that right? you mean so much to me.” Tan can feel himself about to cry knowing that’s not the real reason he’s been so distant towards Sven, but he can’t tell him because he feels guilty for sleeping with him when there’s another person in the picture. Tan didn’t enjoy sleeping with Sven like he wanted to, it all happened quick and meaningless because all he thought about was how much of a terrible person he is for sleeping with his crush. “You hate me,” Sven says as Tan stands there quiet trying not to cry “you hate me and I deserve it.”
“No- no Sven I don’t hate you and don’t feel bad about what happened I haven’t even thought about it.”
“You haven’t?” Sven loses hope “am I forcing myself on you, Tan? because I feel like the kiss and then us having sex maybe would’ve changed something between us, but I’m fooling myself right? You don’t like me that way and I’m such an idiot for thinking maybe you did like me. Maybe that’s why you’re always so good to me, but that’s what friends are, you were just being a friend and I took it as something more.” Moving in Tan kisses Sven, nothing else has made him feel as good as when he’s kissing Sven. “Was that to shut me up?” Sven smiles when Tan finally pulls his lips away
“I’ve had a crush on you since the ninth grade Sven, I’m pretty sure my friends would say that I’m obsessed with you. Everything that’s been happening between us I’ve wanted for a long time, but so much is happening right now that I can’t even enjoy it. You didn’t do anything wrong I’m the problem, I wish I could give you all of my attention lord knows I’ve been trying to since ninth grade, but my life right now is a shit show and I don’t want whatever this is to suck for you.”
Both boys pour their hearts to each other leaving the other person speechless “you’ve had a crush on me since ninth grade?”
Tan laughs “did you really not know? I feel like although I never said anything I was never subtle about it no matter how hard I tried.”
“Sometimes you were too nice which made me question the idea here and there. Like when you used to always offer me your lunch, or never say no when I’d ask for something no matter what it was.”
“Yeah those were probably dead giveaways”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because that’s not how crushes work, and you were always so busy with basketball or dating someone so I just friend zoned myself”
“I want to be with you Tan I think we should do it”
Caught in the moment Tan yells “yes!” And they kiss, but reality sets in. “But we can’t” Sven’s smile disappears “I can’t, and don’t ask why because I can’t tell you.”
“Tan that’s so shady” Sven pulls away.
“I know and I’m sorry there’s a lot I can’t explain. I want you and I want to be with you so bad Sven, but I understand if what I’m saying right now is weird and you change your mind.”
“I’m confused, you like me but you can’t be with me because… you can’t tell me?” It’s too much for Sven to comprehend and for Tan to explain
“Yes”
Thinking of a way to get out of this Sven looks down at his watch “I have to go”
But Tan grabs his arm “Sven I’m so sorry” he frowns
“No Tan I don’t understand what you’re doing and I can’t ask so I won’t, I’m still around if you need” pulling his arm away Sven leaves feeling let down.
Tan just got everything he’s ever wanted but couldn’t take it. None of this is fair to Harris and he knows that, so setting his feelings aside tan leaves the boiler room.
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