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Epilogue
There was no way to stop the acceleration of both Ryker and Joshua’s hearts as the front door closing sounded throughout their home, the inevitable conversation being at the forefront of their minds. It had been hours since Ryker had left and the sky was just starting to darken above them, working as a blanket covering the city. That didn’t help any in calming their nerves, though – it didn’t seem like anything would.
Joshua never liked Ryker coming home from a job dirty. It reminded him of how much he disliked what his boyfriend did, and so Ryker always showered elsewhere before coming home. This only meant that there was no more putting off the upcoming confession and after a mental pep talk, Ryker called out to Joshua.
‘Living room,’ he called back, turning the volume of the television down as his boyfriend entered the room. He got up as soon as he saw him in the doorway, his arms wrapping around Ryker in a hug as his face pressed against his neck. He was embraced just as fast, the two of them relaxing against each other as they stood there, their heartbeats returning to normal as they comforted each other. This was all they needed to calm down.
‘Hey,’ Joshua breathed out, his breath ghosting across Ryker’s skin. Instead of it making him feel uncomfortable, the feeling managed to soothe him further, and he was no longer frightened at the prospect of Joshua knowing everything about him. It was a silly thing for him to be afraid of; they loved each other – nothing would change that.
‘Hey,’ he replied softly, his lips pressing to Joshua’s skin lightly before he leaned back, his arms still firmly around his boyfriend. His lips lifted up into a smile as their eyes met and it filled both of them with a warmth neither of them had felt since the morning’s events. All they needed were each other.
‘There’s some food in the kitchen,’ Joshua stated, not wanting to rush into things, ‘I can heat it up if you’re hungry,’ he suggested.
‘Please,’ Ryker agreed, and then they both moved to the kitchen, Joshua busying himself with the food while the other sat at the counter. There was a comfortable silence between the two that neither expected to be there.
Despite this, the air was still heavy with unsaid words.
‘How was the job?’ Joshua asked even though he didn’t really want to know. He couldn’t think of anything else to say and so he settled for this. Ryker knew that, and his lips lifted slightly at how his boyfriend was trying to put him at ease. Only he had the ability to do that.
‘It went well,’ he replied, knowing to miss out the details of what really happened. The smaller boy didn’t like it and there was no point unless he were to come back hurt.
Joshua hummed in response as he moved around the kitchen, his back to Ryker as he busied himself.
‘I was raped,’ Ryker blurted out, his mind wanting it to just be out in the open no matter how much he didn’t want it. He had no control over his mouth in that moment and as soon as the words left his lips everything seemed to shut down. He had never voiced it before.
Both men stiffened, their hearts beating rapidly as the words processed through their minds. Joshua’s heart couldn’t seem to stop hurting at the confession no matter what he thought. It was clear Ryker hadn’t meant to have said that so abruptly, but there was no taking it back now.
Joshua started to turn around after a few seconds, wanting to see him, but Ryker stopped him. ‘Turn around,’ he ordered shakily, the weight of his words crashing down on him. He didn’t want to see his boyfriends’ face while he voiced a part of his life that had never met another’s ears before. That would be too much for him.
The younger boy complied, despite not wanting to. If it was going to make his boyfriend more comfortable then he would listen.
‘That wasn’t meant to come out,’ Ryker said with a laugh, though it was clear to both of them just how forced it was. It was as weak as his voice was getting the longer he spoke. And so, he decided to just speak, forcing the emotions away.
‘I never told you about my mother,’ he started, and Joshua tensed further. He already wanted this conversation over despite waiting a year for it. ‘She started it all, she’s the reason I’m like this.’ He paused, and the tone of his voice managed to eat away at Joshua’s heart. ‘She thought it was alright to touch her little boy,’ and then he laughed humourlessly, the sound filled with pent up pain. It’s like he couldn’t stop the emotions now.
Joshua’s grip on the knife he was holding tightened the more he heard, the pain he was feeling spreading throughout his body as if it was him reliving past memories. But it wasn’t, it was his boyfriend; the man he loved, and that was why it hurt so much.
‘It wasn’t too bad until she got some friends involved,’ he continued, trying to block the images out. ‘All women – I guess it was only natural I turned out gay,’ he laughed again, a bitter sound, one that cut through Joshua’s heart. He had never heard him sound like that before.
‘Seven years,’ he choked out, no longer being able to stop the emotions from washing through him. The lump in his throat that had formed prevented him from speaking anymore and the sound of his boyfriend struggling made Joshua drop the knife before rushing over to him. The clang of metal against the countertop was enough to stop both of them from holding back their tears, Ryker snapping back to the present. He clung to Joshua as if he was his lifeline, which, at that moment, he was. Even if he was a gang leader, Joshua would always be his lifeline.
Ryker cleared his mind of his past, instead focusing on his boyfriend and the reason why he told him everything. His cries quietened down as he did so and he could finally manage to get words out.
‘It’s just- It’s in my roots to shy away from anything sexual,’ he explained, his voice slightly muffled by Joshua’s shirt since he was pressed against it. The shaking of it was still easily heard, and Joshua tightened his arms around the older man. That was the only way he knew how to comfort him.
‘I tried,’ he started before taking a few deep breaths. There was no reason for him to cry anymore; he couldn’t cry anymore. ‘I tried to change for you,’ he stated, his mind going back to last night. The outcome made him flinch slightly. ‘You have no idea how much I want to touch you,’ he confessed and Joshua’s face heated up. Ryker had never said something like that to him before and it filled him with feelings foreign to him. ‘I just can’t, not yet,’ he ended quietly, and it felt like he was bare before his boyfriend. This was the most he had ever disclosed about himself to anyone, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable because of it. It was as if a weight had been lifted.
‘That had never changed how much I love you, you know?’ Joshua questioned, wanting to reassure his boyfriend even if it wasn’t necessary. He didn’t have to change for him. ‘And I do love you, so much,’ he declared before leaning back, tilting Ryker’s face up with a light touch so he could see his eyes. He wanted to show how honest he was being and this was the only way he knew how. ‘It doesn’t matter how long it takes, I don’t ever plan on leaving you,’ he promised. The smile he received because of his words dispelled all feelings of hurt and pain from his body.
However, anger was still there.
‘I’ve never wanted to kill someone before, but I am more than capable of doing it right now,’ he said seriously, and it only caused Ryker to raise an eyebrow, his smile never leaving.
‘Already one step ahead of you,’ he said brightly, the hints of death making Joshua fill with relief for the first time. He couldn’t help it. The person that hurt his boyfriend didn’t deserve to not feel pain themself.
‘Good,’ he breathed, and it was a sign that the two were already changing, no matter what was deeply rooted inside of them.
And that was why they worked; why they would be okay.
It would just take some time.
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