Array
(
[text] =>
I’m Not that Cruel Part 21 *Showki
The lights above him were brighter than he ever recalled noticing. The bodies next to him were not bodies. They were people; he knew they were people, yet there they lay without their characteristics; what made them them was gone and he could not pin point why this scared him the most.
A light breeze had swoon over him and the distant noises in the background engulfed him with the idea that he wasn’t supposed to be here. They weren’t supposed to be here. A few hours ago everything around him was normal. The same old days and although, he wanted those moments gone, the life of his father, now that those moments were snatched from him, he regretted even thinking of the idea of them being gone.
Shownu was stuck in place, his small hands shakily gripping the staring wheel. Because it was night, he could not see the road ahead. It had been dusk when they had left the party his father had made go to.
His father was drunk beyond the recognition of his own state and the vulnerability of his own son. He had always been that way. Shownu could not understand that way of thinking. To his young mind, it was exposure to what adulthood would mean for him once he grew up. At times he would impatiently ask the world to already make him an adulthood to be just like his dad. He saw the power, he saw the decision making that made you feel like you were god, and that vision had plagued him with the desire to be just like him.
Until that very moment that plucked him out of that weak vision. His dad wasn’t there when he felt his hands spiral out of control. He couldn’t hear the screams, the last tug of his mother’s hand before he lost it forever.
Guilt pounded at his heart, his shoulders too shaky to stop and allow him to look back.
His mind raced with the thought of his father. Shownu wanted him to be there, to be the one in charge. Shownu didn’t know what to do. He was alone with the bodies of his past life that had started just now.
“Don’t leave me,” he finally had the muster to speak. It had been so silent that his words were dropped into the air to be last forgotten.
When no one answered his plea, Shownu looked back, surprised at how his sister sat in her seat. She looked as if she was sleeping with her head pressed to the soft material. If he stared enough, he could forget that her temple was drenched with blood. She had only been playing with food and accidentally got it smudged on her face; oh silly her.
Everything was an accident. He didn’t do it on purpose. His family was everything.
It was an accident. Shownu gulped, a sprinkle of tears blurring his vision.
He dared not look back at his mother who had been pleading to his father that they should stay in the car until he was sober enough to drive back home. But his father had not listened. His father had insisted that Shownu drive, argued that Shownu was smart for his age and that he would be able to drive them home perfectly save without his help.
His mother. He couldn’t really look at her. Shownu had been composed and he didn’t quite understand why. His body was running around crazy, alerting him of the pain that he didn’t feel. It was as if
“Mom! Wake up! Mom!”
Something jolting him up. Soft material engulfed his shaky hands. Shownu grasped the sheets as if his life depended it on them. For a second he had forgotten where he was. It was impossible to think of reality when both his future and past were merging into one.
“God, you’re sweating like crazy. Shownu what happened?” Jooheon was beside Shownu touching Shownu on the forehead; his eyebrows were knitted and his his lips pursed. Shownu smiled a tiny bit. He rarely saw that expression on Jooheon. He was a tough men just like Shownu.
“Kihyun,” is all that he could say. Talking about Kihyun twisted his insides, his chest tightened, and the tears began to leave him weaker than what he already was.
When Kihyun had left their house, Shownu had dropped to the floor, his hands on his chest. All that he recollected from those few hours ago that he had agonizingly felt, was that his mother would be disappointed at him for ruining a relationship where he was finally becoming happy.
“Did you guys fight?”
“He caught me with Leticia. But I don’t know how much he saw. I don’t know if he only saw a few seconds or if he saw..”
He needed to get out of bed so he could tell Kihyun that what he saw was not real. Shownu would never cheat on Kihyun. Shownu was an asshole as a boss, but he was not an asshole that cheated for pleasure. If he could just tell Kihyun that maybe, maybe he would come back to him.
“Did you tell him that he was your ex? That she only wanted to be with you for your son’s death anniversary?” Jooheon asked, his voice gentle and non-judgemental. Jooheon’s hands were now back on his body.
Shownu had never seen Jooheon this collected. He was definitely the most sensitive out of the both of them. He would never harm anyone let alone anyone for pleasure. Joheeon had been there for Shownu when he most felt desensitized from the world, when he was heated from life.
Those days felt like the past but they have been so resent that Shownu is no longer surprised that his behavior would be already engrained in his best friend’s mind that he had no longer fear or worry as he did before. Because this will too past.
But would it? Would his past behaviors ever change? Change enough for him to cause ill to those he love. It felt as if his choices would never leave him with peace or with the realization that he’s a changed man.
The pillow from behind started to become too uncomfortable. This was so wrong. He had to go to Kihyun. He can’t just stay here and let the love of his life think that he’s the worst human being in the world.
He was no longer like that and he needed Kihyun to see that.
Removing the white sheet from below his body, Shownu mentally agreed that he needed to find Kihyun and explain himself. It was the only way he could get Kihyun back. Shownu pushes himself up but a pair of hands push him down.
“What are you doing? Jooheon, you need to let me go!”
“You’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you go with your head burning and in this state. A few minutes ago you were delirious. Shouting and asking for your mother. You think this is going to help you in any way?”
“But if I don’t go, Kihyun is going to think that I am a cheater. That all of this was for nothing. I used to be such a jerk to him. I don’t want him to think that I was playing with his heart.” Shownu’s muscles were tiring, he was losing strength and despite all of this he wanted to find Kihyun, and he would not rest until he could. Not completely.
“Please let me go.” This came out as a whisper.
“You don’t see it right now, but you’ll thank me later. I’ll make you some tea while you stay here. Stay,” Joheeon warned, closing the door after leaving the room.
One thing that happened after his mother and sister’s death was that he could do whatever he wanted without thinking of the consequences. He no longer care about what his father said and quite frankly his father could do nothing to influence Shownu’s upbringing. This type of thinking worked all his life up to that point and it didn’t mean it wouldn’t stop at this very moment.
It wouldn’t change now. He could not listen to Joheeon and instead sneak away while he wasn’t thinking. But what good would come out of it. It wouldn’t not help Kihyun in the slightest. Not himself in any way. By doing that, it would still mean he hadn’t change. And that was further than the truth.
The sky had darkened and all it reminded him that this would be the first night he wouldn’t spend it with Kihyun. The first time he would sleep by himself again. That thought terrified him. It made him questioned if he had been really distant or if he had pretended that he wasn’t really distant and used that excuse to confront himself.
Putting his hands over his head, he pulled himself into a ball, desperation kicking in. Shownu wanted to cry, to pull his hair, to knock his head on a wall. Anything that could transfer the emotional pain into a physical one. At least he could have a temporary pain that would leave him with an ecstasy of being able to fix this with ease.
Deciding against running to Kihyun and making it worse, Shownu turned his phone off and instead planned a way to get Kihyun back. Shownu is a changed man and it was time that he let Kihyun know about his past. Keeping the past in the past did nothing at all for him. It only proved that he was honest and still keeping that old Shownu who sabotaged everything to punish his childhood. It was the not the example he wanted to give to his children and to his family. He can’t get his sister and mom back, but he could definitely get the love of his life and children back.
~~~
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this. It’s super late but how amazing is Wonho’s Loosing You song? I loved it.
– Laterz Kelsi.
[text_hash] => b37d7923
)