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I wasn’t sure how long I’ve been driving other than the fact I counted how many times Neil has fallen asleep beside me; at least four times while I drove for hours. It doesn’t bother me I’m driving it’s more as in I’m worried about how long Neil can go on like this with a wounded thigh. I haven’t even checked if he’s still bleeding.
What happened back at the house still shocks me. How did I use those weapons? Oh god and the bodies…I stop my train of thought before I had the urge to throw up again. I don’t want to shoot ever again. It scares the fuck out of me. I don’t even want to think about it. Everything I did felt so damn natural.
A sigh leaves my lips unable to stop thinking about it anyways even if I hated it; the rush in my veins had my heart pumping—I liked it. I can sort of understand why Neil likes doing what he does but I can’t stop thinking of the people I shot. They’re humans not animals.
They have families, they have a life and I ended up being one of those people who has no right to tear away the life of someone who means something to someone else. But if I didn’t shoot them, Neil would have died.
I don’t care who I’d have to shoot to keep Neil alive. He is not going to die, I won’t let him die when he’s the one protecting me and risking his life for me. The least I should do is cover his back when he needs it.
None of this is going to end unless we stop hiding and do something. I don’t want to see Neil hurt like this anymore, this is the second time he’s been hurt. Shot. I can’t take it, what if the next time he gets shot it gets too close to home? What if he dies the next bullet he takes?
The mere thought of it makes me want to cry but I’m tired of crying just because I’m a sensitive guy. Eventually I’d have to do something, eventually I was going to realize this isn’t about doing what’s right anymore. It’s to do what you have to do to survive.
I glance at the older male, he looks so peaceful and relaxed without having to be awake and alert all the time. A pang of guilt hits my stomach at the next thought rushing through my head. It’s not the best idea but it’s what I have.
My fingers grip tightly onto the stirring wheel, looking back at the road and grit my jaw. We should be reaching the place Frank told me about. It should be safe and out of reach from the Mafia. I still don’t know who they really are other being dangerous people and frankly I’m not going to ask.
The less I know the better.
Once I saw the little sign Frank told me about I made an opposite turn and searched extensively until I found a blurry road that I would have missed it if I wasn’t paying attention. I run a hand through my hair after making the turn sparing a glance at Neil again. My chest squeezes admiring his handsome face then bit my lower lip.
I breathe out again knowing this was going to take a while before I reached the place; I’ll have to wake him up once we arrive despite how much I don’t want to disturb his peaceful rest. There’s too much going in my head.
I’m still not sure how my mother fits in all this or connected to the Mafia who seems to be more focused in looking for me than Neil. I don’t know what makes them want me so bad. Before I knew it I started thinking about it again.
I don’t want to go home even if my little sister is waiting for me, even if my friends are worried sick, even if my parents are grieving. I’m tired of considering other people, I’m tired of having to put them above myself. For once I want something and I want to take it, I want to be selfish for once.
But I guess that isn’t in my nature to be selfish either; I’m considering Neil’s well being above my own. I’m considering a lot of things and one of them is that maybe Neil is right. These feelings shouldn’t be here, especially in this situation but it’s there. These feelings are here, rousing inside, becoming more and more intense. Painful. And greater.
I shook my head realizing I was basically there already, I looked through the dark, the car beam set at high due to the thick murky surroundings. Once I found the little rock I stopped the car slowly and pulled the gear shift to park before I cut off the engine.
“Neil, we’re here,” I announced unbuckling the seat belt before turning my body to Neil. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t wake—he just slept. I tried not to get too ahead of myself, “Neil, wake the hell up. I’m not carrying your heavy ass over there.” I scowl.
A deep groan tore out of his throat, a sound so attractive I nearly flushed, “You don’t have to curse at me, pretty boy.” He grumbles. I roll my eyes at him, “Whatever, hurry up. Frank is waiting for us.”
He opens his eyes blinking a few times then follows a yawn. He rakes through his hair shifting around then groans again except this time it’s out of agony, “I’m going to need a little help.” I snort at him taking the duffle bag from the back seat. “How bad is it?”
“It isn’t that bad, I’m just too lazy to walk on my own.” I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking but either way I was worried that maybe it was bad enough he can’t walk properly. I purse my lips opening the door and throwing the strap of the bag over my shoulder.
I walked around the vehicle until I reached Neil’s side of the door and opened it. He looks up at me with a sheepish smile, my heart skips a beat and I try my hardest to hide it with the glare of annoyance. “I’m really tempted to punch you again.”
He laughs forcing himself off the seat and I reach out helping him stand without putting the weight onto his leg, “You hit like a girl.” He teases. I grew instantly annoyed and purposely applied my own weight causing him to lose balance and use his injured leg to keep himself from falling.
He cries in pain, “You were saying something?” I pretend like I didn’t do anything as I started to walk, basically dragging a boulder on my shoulders as I heard the door to the car slam shut. “Nothing, nothing at all.” He murmured under his breath.
Now I felt even worse than I did a while ago. I focused on getting there instead of thinking about how big Neil felt with his arm around me and his body so close I can even feel his warmth.
It didn’t take long we reached the place which turns out to be some kind of abandoned factory instead of a warehouse or a house. I was growing impatient to get there, to actually sit down and check on Neil, have him eat and rest as much as possible.
“You did what?” Frank blinked at me in surprise at what Neil told him, I awkwardly rub the back of my neck having nothing to say about it because honestly, I don’t get it either. I just reacted as soon as I heard Neil and I guess a part of me grew scared to know that if I hid like he had told me—he’d die.
Neil huffs tensely, Frank finished wrapping him up and passed him a water bottle with another painkiller to go with it. I adverted my gaze finding the dainty walls much more interesting. It would have been an empty place if there weren’t tables with dozens of electronics and a few weapons here and there.
I think I spotted a set of stairs leading to what seems to be some kind of office but the windows were entirely covered. “Fuck, you’re in it deep,” The brown haired man pointed out shaking his head before pushing his chair that rolled against the floor. He turns his attention to his computer, “Rest up you two. We’ll talk in the morning about what to do next because clearly Neil is too out of it to plan anything.”
I frowned, “Plan? Plan what?” I asked something really stupid and it wasn’t until after I said it did I know. “Kid, I know you’re aware that the more you try to hide the more they’ll keep coming. We have to do something once and for all to end this little game you two have going on before it ends up killing someone.”
Frank is right. I can’t keep having Neil protect and then have him comfort me when I get scared or start crying. I have to face it or it’s going to keep happening over and over until we’re forced to stop it once something really does happen.
Hearing Neil shifting on a creaky chair captured my attention, his face lacing with pain only lacerating my chest with sorrow and guilt. His dyed hair was all over the place adding to his appeal, “No one’s going to die, Frank. Actually that’s not true, the one who’s going to die is Roman.” He said in confidence and the stupid grin on his face.
I rolled my eyes waking to him, “Yeah, you’re right.” Frank answered in a distant voice.
Neil settles his honey brown eyes on me, his expression changing and softening, “Help me up,” He said and I did as he asked helping him from the chair; he rests his chin on top of my head, “See you in the morning. I’m dead.”
I was tempted to hit this asshole for using that word in the worse situation but I said nothing making my way toward the direction where he is leading me which is the set of stairs I saw earlier when we walked in. “See you.” The brunette mumbles.
I sigh softly, arm around his defined torsos and I can feel every line and curve through the thin fabric. His arm on my shoulder draws me closer to his side as we ascend the small set of stairs and then open the door.
It looked like it was an office before it was replaced with a bed and a side stand. It was pretty empty but it at least has what’s needed. I help him to the large bed and sits down carefully with a grunt. I gazed down at him as he does to me, I wanted to sat something but I decided against it.
If I told him anything—he’d know.
He smiles softly, taking a hold of my hand and kissed my knuckles like I’m the most precious thing in his life. My breathing hitched at the overwhelming sensation of emotions moving inside of me and tightening my chest. I feel so awful, “Don’t worry, Matt. It’ll be over soon. You won’t have to be afraid anymore and you won’t have to cry or…kill for that matter.”
His voice is so tender and strong with assurance. I believed him. He presses his forehead onto the back palm of my hand as I squeezed my hand on his. “Neil, you need to rest. I’ll join you later, I want to talk to Frank about something.” I tried so hard to keep my voice from cracking and my hands from trembling.
He sighed and nods his head releasing the hold on my hand and I stuff both of them inside of my pocket so he wouldn’t see the tremors, “I want to talk about it again. When we argued in the car, I never brought it up again. You’re right, these feelings are here for a reason and maybe it will lead somewhere if we fight for it.”
God why is this happening to me now? The way he’s looking at me so openly and for once I can see all of his raw emotions. It hurts and despite of how I want to him to hold me in his arms, to jump at his words and cry with joy—I held back. “Neil, sleep first and then we’ll talk, okay?”
He nods in agreement and lays down on the bed, I watched him for a while before I made my way out, I can feel his eyes on my waist as I open the door and just as I was about to close it—he spoke. “Matt, I really care about you.” I froze at his words.
The words to say in response were lost, nothing at the tip of my tongue, nothing for me to say in the least and when I heard the light little snores I knew he was asleep. I closed the door breathing erratically with a blurry vision, “I’m sorry, Neil.” My voice trembles.
I make my way towards Frank, swallowing the lump in my throat and blink away the unshed tears. The brown haired man was standing in front of a table, watching me as I grew closer.
“You’re ready?” He questioned, “I gave him the strongest I had.” I nodded in response unable to say anything after what Neil said to me. I feel so fucking bad that I’m doing this but it’s for him—I can’t stand seeing him hurt anymore.
“What about this?” I placed a hand over the collar and Frank shook his head, “You’re keeping it on. I need to know where you are, you’re the bait here.” He said indifferently and I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me for getting Neil hurt again.
“Drive where I told you and they’ll find you.”
I nod and as I take a jacket I glance towards the office made bedroom where Neil is resting. Don’t think about it Matt. I leave without another word, reaching the car in minutes and started driving again.
I got to the destination in half an hour and as I came to a full stop pressing the back of my head against the head seat—I grew scared. What’s going to happen to me when they take me? Was this even a good idea? And Neil, he’s going to be so pissed at me for this.
I forced myself to shut down my own thoughts before I started to cry or give myself a panic attack. My nerves were all over the place and it didn’t take long before something hits the window shattering the glass. I covered my face instinctively then felt hands tear me out of the car and I struggled.
Yelling and kicking with all my strength until a rag was placed over my mouth. It tickled the back of my throat when I breathed in, oddly enough my body was growing numb, barely able to feel it and my eyes flutter closed on their own.
I’m sorry, Neil.
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