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Chapter 10.
*****
*Jayden*
I ran my hands over my face letting out a breath after stopping my car at a red traffic light. It having just turned red, I took the moment and shut my eyes trying to calm myself down. I was being irrational.
I had seen their faces everywhere all day and it was really getting to me. I felt like I was shrinking into myself, slowly getting smaller and weaker; I could feel the paralysing fear I was once all too familiar slowly consuming me again. I needed to pull myself together before I got home. Corey and the kids couldn’t see me so shaken. I didn’t want Corey to go back to being afraid to let me do anything by myself just because I was stupidly seeing things that weren’t even there.
A loud horn from behind made me jump and I realised that the light had gone green, the person in the car behind me becoming impatient. I stepped on the gas and sighed as I drove.
Even in their deaths, they haunted me… I thought I had escaped them but now it felt like that was impossible. Had the last nine years just been wishful thinking and pretending that things could be fine?
I parked my car outside of our house and was surprised to be home because I could not even remember the drive that had caused me to end up there. Corey’s car was also in the driveway. The kids had a few hours of school left, it was barely afternoon as I had been told to head home and get my head together by my boss. I didn’t have to work, our pack had a lot of money, most of the pack voluntarily worked at the companies owned by our pack but I worked at a human law firm because sometimes I needed time away from wolf life – well, from everyone I saw every day.
I got out of my car locking it and walked into my house quietly hoping Corey hadn’t heard me arrive. Trying to lighten up, I planned to either surprise my mate or scare the crap out of him, the latter seemed a little more appealing to me because I always tried to scare him even though I could never even faze him… one day I would make him freak out… one day.
I heard hushed talking from the kitchen and silently made my way there but stopped as I saw Corey at the table, his hand clenching a knife tightly as he hissed. I guessed that he had been chopping the vegetables in front of him when he had gotten the call, it seemed to be making him pretty upset…
“No, you listen. Do not ever call this number again. I told you to stay the hell away from me. Do you hear me?” He hissed before he slammed his phone down on the table after hanging up. I raised my brows in shock hearing the screen crack, but it did not seem to bother him as he was still clearly upset by the call.
“Who was that?” My speaking made him jump in surprise and drop the knife, I winced as it cut across his palm before it fell onto the floor. I was too shocked to even be happy that I had finally managed to scare him.
“Fuck! Jayden! Don’t do that!” He hissed venomously as he turned to the sink and washed the blood off his already healed hand.
“I-I’m sorry,” I said instinctively stepping back. I wasn’t afraid because he looked pissed enough to stab someone, it was because I was still shaken by seeing my father and Mike’s faces everywhere. He looked over at me and his face quickly softened.
“No, no, I’m sorry, Babe. That was just some old work person I’m having a problem with.” He said.
“Do not lie to me.” I narrowed my eyes at him slightly.
He looked at me and shook his head putting the cloth on the table. “Fine.” He said.
“Who was that?” I asked again.
“No one.” He said before quickly adding, “Why were you so afraid…? Do you… You think I’d hurt you?” He raised his brows.
“Wouldn’t you?” I regretted saying it as soon as it left my mouth. Having old wounds opened by reminding myself about them all day had reminded me of what Corey used to be like to me.
“Are you serious?” He asked. “Jayden, when are you going to stop this? I’ve never hurt you! I try – I try to show you every day, reassure you every day, but there’s only so much I can do to make you trust me! I’m your mate! And it isn’t just that – I’ll never hurt you! Don’t you understand that? I’m not going to hurt you! That’s what you want though, right?” I began to shake my head trying to backtrack but he continued, “It is. You want me to hurt you, you expect that from me despite everything. I’m sick of it, Jayden. I’ve tried and I’m getting tired. Why won’t you believe me? Why can’t you trust me?!” He yelled.
I didn’t know what was going on but was upset and angry as well and it was scaring the crap out of me. I cringed stepping back again as his face morphed causing the blood to drain from my body. Stop it, Jayden. They’re nothing alike. Don’t do that. I blinked and Corey’s angry face was back. Why was he angry?
“How could I trust you? You don’t tell me so many things. You won’t even tell me who that was on the phone!” I shot back at him.
“It’s none of your business!” he said.
“If we’re together, and it’s upsetting you that much, then it is my business, Corey!”
“Well it’s a good thing –” he stopped when we heard the front door open.
“Daddy? Papa?” Eli called.
I looked at Corey narrowing my eyes, his face dropped as his eyes moved to avoid mine. “What’s a good thing?” I asked calmly.
“Hey, Soldier!” He ignored my question as Eli walked into the hall and came into our view at the kitchen door.
“Where’s your sister?” I asked leaning to peek at the part of the living room I could see.
“Picking flowers.” My son rolled his eyes. Corey and I laughed but stopped as we looked at each other.
I hugged Eli before attempting to walk by him but felt Corey grab my hand gently. He had ran across the room just to do that.
“Where-where are you going?” He asked almost sounding afraid.
I gave him a sceptical stare. “To our daughter…” I said before adding, “Where do you think?” out of curiosity because of how afraid he looked.
He shook his head biting his lip and glancing at our son who was also staring at him curiously.
“What’s going on?” Eli looked between us narrowing his eyes slightly.
“Nothing.” I smiled kissing Corey’s cheek to prove it. “Help me drag your sister out of the garden?” I asked. Tamia loved the garden more than most things.
He laughed dropping their bags. “Okay.”
—–
I the inside of my while staring at the wall and felt Corey’s arm tighten around me as he let out a calm sigh in his sleep. I let myself smile as he still tried to pull me closer even though we were already against each other. The smile fell as I let out an uneasy sigh.
We hadn’t talked about our argument earlier, but that wasn’t what bothered me. I needed to tell someone about my seeing things. It was messing with my head so much. I bit my tongue trying to draw attention to the pain and prevent my tears from spilling as my eyes suddenly began to burn with them. It was too much, even though I knew it was just in my head. I couldn’t imagine dealing with them again. I never wanted to feel as weak as I had felt when they were around, but it was happening… Even though I knew they were dead and couldn’t touch me, I was becoming painfully afraid of them again. The fear had never actually gone away, I just ignored it.
“Jay?” I was surprised to hear Corey mumble my name softly.
“Y –” I cleared my throat to make my voice less of a squeak, “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry…” He whispered, “And I love you.” I bit back tears again as I turned to him. He was staring at me, his eyes sleepy and I began to wonder if we had both just been lying awake the entire night so far.
“I love you too…” I whispered kissing him lightly.
“You haven’t mentioned marriage since I’ve been back.” He said.
“I’m tired of fighting about it.” I shut my eyes as I sighed. It isn’t supposed to be a fight. I should not have had to force or guilt him into doing it.
“I love you.” He repeated. “You know that, right?” His blue eyes were staring at me with an emotion I couldn’t quite read and it was making me nervous…
“I know,” I replied giving a nod.
“Stop it.” He frowned suddenly.
“Stop what?”
“That. Pretending like you don’t care that I still haven’t agreed.” He said.
“Corey… It’s late… I’m tried… You’re tired…” I said implying that it was not a good time to start fighting again as I shut my eyes.
He let out a sigh giving a single nod. “I’ll never intentionally hurt you.” I opened my eyes and looked up at him.
“What?” I asked.
“I’ll never hurt you, intentionally. If I make any mistakes, I’m sorry.” He said. I chuckled.
“I know. But, Corey, babe, really, it’s two in the morning. Can we talk about this later?” I asked.
He gave a chuckle as he kissed me mumbling a goodnight and another ‘I love you’ as he shut his eyes. I stared at him for a few seconds and then decided I would tell him about my probable insanity later when we woke up. If he knew about it, he would know why I freaked out earlier and why I freak out at random times. Perhaps it will lessen our fights a little.
******
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