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I played with my necklace as we drove in a comfortable silence when Taylor took a quick glance at me before returning his gaze to the road, ” Mark gave you the necklace? ” He asked in a little surprise.
“Yea…How did you know about the necklace?” I asked a bit confused.
“Mark wouldn’t shut up about it. He was so excited to give it to you.” He sighed,
“Hey Mark look how cool this is!” I dragged him after me and pointed at the glass window, there, in a little black box was a gold dreamcatcher necklace.
“Why do you obsess so much over dreamcatchers?” He raised an eyebrow at me and dragged me away.
“No reason,I just like them.” I said shrugging and giving him a small shy smile.
At the time I didn’t know he was gonna actually buy me the necklace, but he did, and died the same day. If I had never showed him that necklace, he would’ve never left the house that day, and he would still be with me, alive.
I used to blame myself for his death, but after sometime I just ignored that thought in my head, knowing that blaming myself won’t change the fact that his dead.
“Oh I’ve got Cry Baby if you want it, a friend of mine gave it to me but I don’t like her that much so you can have it.” He offered me another fake smile,
“I don’t like her anymore either.” I said with a shrug and looked out the window.
“Who are you and what did you do to Dan?” He joked, “But you used to obsess with her so much! What happened?” He said in surprise,
“Don’t know. I prefer simple plan and three days grace much better,”
“Depressing much?”
“Neh, Lucky one isn’t depressing for example.”
He parked the car in front of his house, the last time I was here was when Mark got kicked out for being gay, if Taylor’s parents would come home and find me they’ll kill me.
As if he read my mind Taylor opened his mouth a moment later, “Don’t worry, they left for the weekend.”
“Oh,” I said looking around the house as we came inside, it didn’t look that different from the last time I was here.
I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t see any pictures of Mark. He was disowned and his parents made sure there wasn’t anything about him in the house. They were such cruel people, it made me wonder how Taylor stands them.
“Let’s make some pancakes!” He said eagerly.
I cracked a smile and nodded as we went to the kitchen, Taylor got the ingredients we needed and started to work on the pancakes while I set down folding my arms on the table staring at him,
“Do you work out?” I blurted out, not really caring how stupid I’ve must look to him now, I wasn’t gonna try to impress him.
“Yeah. It helps me keep my mind off things.” He said and shifted uncomfortably, obviously not impressed by my blur.
For the first time I felt guilt pitching my gut, while I starved myself, Taylor worked out and managed to get his mind off things- In a healthy way.
The only reason I haven’t hit anorexia weight yet, is because my parents force feed me. Obviously not enough, since I’m still very thin. And not even once did I care.
Well, not even once till now. Taylor got me thinking about it.
“What?” he asks surprised when he notices me staring.
His muscles flexed with every move he made, “I was wondering…” I pinch the bridge of my nose, “why do you always fake a smile?”
“I don’t.” He frowns at me a little.
“Yeah you do,” I retort.
He shrugs it off and ignores me.
We set there in a comfortable, yet slightly annoying- silence.
A few minutes later he sits down on the table a plate with a pile of pancakes and exclaims joyfully, “I give you the honor,” he hands me a bottle of whipped cream, “to finish off my master piece.”
I smile a little and shake the bottle, suddenly having a great idea.
Everything happened quickly, instead of dollop the pancakes, I pushed Taylor throwing both of us into the floor and smudged cream all over his face.
He got up on his elbows staring at me in shock through his mask of cream as I set comfortably in his lap.
I desperately tried not to laugh, but as soon as he started to laugh I just joined him too.
He wiped his face with his palm, and faced palmed me with it, getting the cream all over my face too.
I scolded at him and bit his hand, “Ouch! What was that for?” He frowned,
“For making me shower tonight.” I pout.
“You started it!” He exclaims and pulls me up with him, suddenly looking confused and worried.
“Why are you… So thin?” He asks and wipes some of the cream off my face, and the familiar feel of burning returns where he had touched me.
He pulls up my long T-shirt sleeve when I don’t answer and bites his lower lip studying my thin arm.
“What the hell? Do you even eat at all?”
I shrug and look down at my feet, I hate it when people say that. Its none of there business.
He gently touches my chin and tilts my head up, I have to force myself not to smile when I see his face covered like that with cream, which isn’t a very hard task once I notice the burning feeling again where he touches me.
“Since when?” He asks letting go of my chin and trying to clean off some of his face, failing miserably.
“Look, I appreciate that you care, but honestly it’s none of your concern so i-”
“How is it exactly none of my concern? Do you realize that there is a threat to your life, and you can die from this?” He says in such a serious tone I freeze for a moment.
“Do you even realize that the exact same pain Mark’s death planted in you, you’ll be planting in your loved ones? How can you be so selfish?” He glares at me, waiting for an answer.
Now even more guilt entered my gut, making me slightly wince.
“I..I- I never… I didn’t mean to…” I tried to reply but my lips where trembling, I felt like a little child getting busted when he does something bad. The guilt was just too much, I felt like I had just disappointed Mark, especially this morning when I tried to end it all. What was I thinking?
Taylor looked at me as I desperately tried to fight the tears, not trusting myself to say something at the moment.
Suddenly he yanked me in a hug and held my tightly getting cream all over both of us, without really caring I just hugged him back as tightly, I felt like my whole body was on fire, but I needed this. Since Mark’s death this was the thing I needed the most, but never got it from the right person.
Have you ever felt so broken,like nothing will ever put you back together? And then, when you least expect it, someone comes along, and hugs you so tightly that you can feel some of your broken heart pieces getting back in place.
This is how I felt now.
But after a few long moments, I couldn’t stand the burning feeling anymore – it almost ached by now – so I tried to get out of his grip, but he held me in place firmly.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He caressed my back and I just froze in his arms.
“You’re not a bad person for this, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Its my fault for not being there for you when we needed each other the most,” he surprised me with how he knew exactly what I thought and what to say.
“W-why where you in the hospital?” I suddenly said. Why didn’t you come to me.
I secretly hoped he’d come all along, but when ever I called or texted he’d say his busy, I could never drop by because of his parents hating me, and the last time I’ve seen him was at the funeral. I missed him so much, but since he never bothered to call me back, or even just send me a short text, I figured I was annoying him and gave up.
Before Mark’s death we’ve been best friends, now I had no idea what was going on anymore.
“But can you promise me something?” He pushed me off him and held my shoulders, the burning feeling fading away from my chest, now I sort of missed it. It felt good, it felt familiar.
He looked in my eyes in an intimidating way and I blinked at him, waiting for him to finish.
“Can you promise, you’ll eat at least once a day, at least one meal?”
I wanted to say yes, but I really doubt I’ll be able to keep my promise.
As if he read my mind Taylor said, “if you promise me, I’ll help you. I won’t just drop it on you, I’ll make sure you can do it.” He squeezed my shoulders reassuringly,
“But.. You said you’re busy and-“
“I’ll make time. I was stupid enough to ditch you once but I’m not doing that again. I promise.” He bit his lower lip, his eyes full of hope.
Maybe I can do this, maybe I could really get better.
I nodded, “okay. I promise, too.”
He smiled at me, and this time- it was a real smile.
“Okay, now let’s clean up this mess, and watch ‘The little mermaid’ for the 100th time.” I expected things to be awkward between us now, but Taylor acted as if nothing bad ever happened to us, just like it was before Mark died.
This day had turned to be so much different then I had ever expected.
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