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Bryan
Year 2014 last sexperience ko na unprotected. Wala naman akong pake kasi the guy was just a neighbor of mine. A friend of mine actually. During that time, may knowledge na ako about STDs and HIV/AIDS. Pero pinagwalang bahala ko lang siya for the reason that, I know the people I had sex with. 4th yr highxkul ako nung mangyari yng last experience ko. So ayun, tumuntong ako ng college. Yung prof kasi namin laging nag-oopen ng topic about her colleagues who passed away because of AIDS. Dun parang yung latent na feeling about sa bagay nayun, gradually umusbong. Hanggang sa dumating sa punto na pinagdududahan ko na sarili sa mga possibilities.
I tried to dig deeper about sa scope of HIV. I searched about its symptoms and so forth. Nakalagay dun yung swollen lymph nodes, weight-loss, fatigue, unexplained cough etc… eh during that time, present sakin yung karamihan sa mga nabanggit. Kaya I started to come up with a conclusion… na positive ako. Though hindi pa ako nagpapatest nun. Yun na yung naging mindset ko everyday. Feeling ko kasi if you feed yourself with negativity, pag nalaman mo yung awful result, it will somehow lessen the pain and shock.
Araw-araw kong inisip na “positive ako… hindi na ako magtatagal sa mundo… ayoko na bumuo ng pangarap. Wala din namang mangyayari eh…” yun yung nasa isip ko lagi. Even though na ganun, I still tried to look for ways to smile. Look for reasons para mabuhay and to show to my family that I am doing well.
Ilang beses ko rin sinubukang magpa test. Pero yung takot na malaman mong “positive” yung result ng test, is too much for me to handle. Kaya pinili ko na munang mamuhay sa conclusion kong may sakit nga ako.
Pero, you know what? Mabait si Lord. Kasi kahit nasa ganung estado akong ng mentality, He never ceased to give reasons for me to live. Kahit gusto ko nang sumuko. Ang nakakatawa lang is, susuko ako sa labang hindi ko naman alam kung meron nga. Kasi hindi naman ako nagpatest. Nakarely lang ang conclusion ko sa mga symptoms na meron ako.
To cut the story…
2017. 3 years ago, I was eaten by my suspicions and conclusion.
Eto na.
After ko magpa enroll for the opening academic year, nagkaroon ng orientation about sa rules and regulations ng school. (Nagtransfer kasi ako ng school). Without me knowing na meron palang free HIV test nung day nayun. Parang nasingit din sa orientation yung about sa HIV/AIDS kasi nga Philippines ang may fastest growing numbers of HIV cases sa Asia Pacific. So ayun, parang sinabihan kaming students na wala naman daw mawawala kung magpapatest. Besides, we need to know our status for us to be aware, which is tama naman.
I was on a turmoil nung time nayun. Kasi nasa isip ko, baka di ko kayanin pag hindi ko nagustuhan yung result ng test eh. Pero looking at the bigger picture, I have to know my status as early as nung time nayun. Kasi 3 yrs na ang nagdaan. Kaya medyo alarming nadin on my part. So, I decided to take the challenge. Haha. “It’s now or never.” Sabi ko sa sarili ko.
Pagkatapos kung makuhanan ng dugo, fews minutes lang tinawag ako ng counselor. Ang dami niyang queries. Ang tumatakbo lang sa isip ko is kung ano yung result eh. Tsaka habang nagtatanong siya, kinakabahan na ako kasi kunting kembot nalang aya na yung result.
And after 3 years of anguish, agony and stigma….
“Congratulations po. Non-reactive po kayo. It’s means you do not have the virus. And you are not infected.”
Medyo nabingi ako sa sinabi ni sir. Tapos ayun na. Abot tenga na yung ngiti ko. Matapos akong abutan ng free condoms and lubricants, umuwi akong lutang. Ang saya sa feeling na natalo ko yung takot. And with that, biniyayaan ako ni Lord ng new life. So I should not squander this chance anymore.
Payo lang guys: nasa story ko na eh. Wag kagad mag conclude lalo na’t yung edict is hindi galing sa doctor. We need to face our fear. minsan nakakamatay din ang sobrang kapraningan.
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