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I was busy, insanely busy. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t have a game or extensive practice within these last few weeks and I couldn’t find the time for anything else. I was going home at about eleven every night and I would end up sleeping through my prep-period. I was exhausted and, as fun as the season was going with our winning streak and impressive dynamic, I was stressed.
I felt like everything was weighing on me because I had so much to think about. Before I knew it, we were coming up to the final qualifying game for states. Kevin and I stayed up making game plans, perfecting plays and positioning, we even pulled a few all-nighters going over the books from the last few games that were a bit too close for comfort. We wanted to win and we always did. However, this was the price to pay for championships and it all paid off in the end when we got our rings.
I think the worst part about all of this, though, was the fact that I haven’t seen Kellin during all of it, even after our weekend together. He’s been calling a bit, but I’ve been missing almost all of them. I haven’t seen him in the school before anything, either, because I’ve been sleeping or on the bus to a game. (They’ve all been away which is a huge pain in the ass). I just feel like I’ve been neglecting him, but I hope he doesn’t feel that way. I just have other responsibilities, is all.
Even now, Kevin and I were talking about how the game was going to go as we stood in the gym. I didn’t even know where Kellin was. The cheerleaders were here, but I didn’t see Kellin. It was our first home game in a month and we were all thankful for it. We don’t play a lot of schools that are close to us, so if it meant we didn’t have to travel an hour both ways, we were on board.
“I don’t know…” I pondered after Kevin’s notion of switching our point-guards out. We had been talking for quite a while now as we watched them warm up. “I think Dan is doing a great job already. I don’t want to risk the first half by screwing up the dynamic. He has a connection with everyone else on the court, it’s not just him,”
“I know, but we have to build Matthew up,” Kevin pointed out. He was right, but we didn’t change anything. It was a conversation brought up about an idea and it took about twenty minutes to solve. Now, the game was beginning. We met in the middle with the other coach and refs, shook hands, and went about the first half.
I didn’t feel the same energy that I usually do going into this game. I had mixed feelings. I felt stressed, but, at the same time, I felt worried and content. I knew my team would do well, it was inevitable, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. I watched as the other team passed quickly around our players and took shots despite our efforts. Not many went in, but I wasn’t happy that they were getting the opportunity.
“Let’s go! Close the gap or reassess! Don’t lose them!” I yelled out to the court. They all responded with their actions as more effort was put in. Faster runs, more time touching the ball, and more shots were taken allowing us to have an eight-point lead come halftime. It was refreshing to see them adapt so quickly. The raw talent on this team was like soft butter for me. I was able to use it to my advantage and it felt so good. But, that left me wanting more and everyone knew that. Hell, Kevin even knew it.
As we huddled in and everyone drank their water, I stood in the middle of the circle and spoke.
“You guys are doing well out there, but I need you to be doing great. Passes need to be direct. I don’t want any interference by anyone else. Communicate. I’m hearing nothing out there, alright? What do we say? The louder it is, the least confusing. Let’s get out there and finish this game with another win.” I put my fist in the air and counted to three. Together, we yelled ‘family’ and I stood next to Kevin, waiting for halftime to be over.
“You okay?” Kevin asked me. I nodded with a sigh. “You seem intense,” I shrugged. Everything was good, I just wanted it to be better.
We watched as the cheerleaders did their routine. It was almost over so I scanned the gym for Kellin. I wanted to see him, I hadn’t seen him in a week or so, after all. When my eyes fell on him, he was intensely looking at his cheer team. A mixed look of pleasure and hurt was plastered on his face and I could tell his eyes held a dull sparkle to them.
I began to walk over to him, but the cheerleaders had stopped and run off the middle of the court to him. He was distracted now and I stopped in my tracks and watched him. We were in the same room, yet I felt miles away. He hugged the girls with a smile before they went to the sideline. It brightened his face and made my heart reset its beat. Kellin’s smile was always so enticingly beautiful that it became self-reassurance. I was reassured that everything was okay and we were happy. That he was the only one my love would and could go to. I never wanted such a precious thing to fade, but his smile didn’t last as long as I had hoped and I soon made eye contact with him as he possessed a lonely expression.
I put my hand up to wave and Kellin gave a small nod, but I was soon being pulled away by Kevin as the game was starting. Instantly, I felt lost. I had felt this before, though. This overwhelming feeling of loss and disconnection. It was like Kellin and I were no longer one and my heart now ached. How could he be so close, yet so far away from me? How?
“Snap out of it, Vic. The game is going on,” Kevin warned. He knew that my mind was racing and there wasn’t much that could get me out of it. That was until I noticed the other team being wildly more aggressive than before. Anytime someone had the ball, shoves were active. When shots were in the stages of completion, jumping on our players occurred and it was getting dangerous.
“Oh, come on! That was blatant!” I yelled out as one of my players was pushed to the ground. No fouls were being called and it was getting annoying. As one more unnecessary hit was landed on us, I called a timeout and huddled in. I glanced at the other team as they got water and looked at their coaches. They stood there with crossed arms and smug looks. What dicks. Behind them, I saw a man in a suit with a clipboard. He looked like he was writing notes. He was too far away from the team to look like he was associated with them, but it still got under my skin that he was there and I didn’t know what for. For now, my attention when to the team.
“Coach, we’re getting beat up,” Someone said. I nodded and looked to Kevin. Kevin looked lost but calm. He wasn’t a huge yeller nor a great handler of untold aggression, so I knew it was up to me now.
“Go out there and just score points. If you have to exaggerate for the foul, do it. But, I want you to focus on shooting. I’ll talk to the ref but just work your hardest. You’re doing amazing, don’t quit.” We did our chant once more before they jogged over and I walked to the nearest ref.
“Sir, can I talk to you?” He was a skinny man, shorter than me with a pale complexion. He looked out of place, but that wasn’t the fact of the matter. He nodded for me to continue.
“My team is getting pushed down, are you seeing that? They’ve put both hands on them and shoved them. I don’t want any of my players to get hurt. Please pay close attention to the other team.” I directed and he agreed, saying he would do his best.
As the game finished up, our team continued to get pushed around. Luckily, it wasn’t as bad as the beginning and we were able to avoid a lot of the attacks, but there were some that continued. When the game ended, we had a twenty point lead. Kevin and I smiled and screamed for congratulations, but I still felt… upset and unsatisfied. It was like the win meant nothing.
I looked over to the other team as they walked without care, same with the coaches. The man behind them stared at me with a small smile before walking in the other direction and I turned back to my side of the court. Everyone was lining up now, but my eyes lingered to Kellin. He sat on the bleachers as he let the cheerleaders do one final cheer. I needed to talk to him. I had to, there was nothing else I cared out. I wanted to hear his voice and know where we stood. I needed to.
I made my way through the line as quick as I could and pushed past people as they piled in front of me.
“Great game!” I heard from every turn, everybody that I pushed passed was not done in silence. It felt as though more people were getting in the way, though, and I was losing sight of Kellin. His back was to me now and he looked like he was packing up his things. I needed to get to him before he left. I wanted to talk to him in person.
When I finally made it out of the crowd, I called out to Kellin who had just begun to walk away. Quickly, he turned around and locked eyes with me. I gave a small smile, but he did nothing in return. Instead, he stood still and looked down, appearing sad. I understood, now, that I had hurt him with my busy schedule. I made a move to walk closer to him, as I was in yelling distance, but someone walked in front of me.
“Excuse me,” I tried to push past him, but he put his hand on my chest and stopped me from moving. “Sir?” I said, looking to see who it was. It was the same man I saw on the other side of the court. The one with the clipboard. This time, instead of writing in it, the board was to his side and the pen was tucked away in his breast pocket.
“Victor Fuentes,” He stated. I squinted my eyes and looked at him quickly before looking behind him at Kellin. He was messing with his shoes so I had a bit of time; it looked like he was waiting for me anyway.
“Yes, that’s me. How do you know my name?” I urged him.
“I’m Dean Carter from the state university,” I nodded and continued to look at Kellin. He was looking at me again and my eyes held remorse. I wish this guy would leave me alone.
“I’m the athletic director, actually, and I’m looking for a new basketball coach for our division I team,” Kellin began to walk away and my eyes snapped down to him.
“Okay, listen, I have to go,” I patted his shoulder. “Do you have a business card so we can talk tomorrow?” I asked. I didn’t want to be rude or anything because what he was saying was very flattering, but I needed to get to Kellin and the distance between us was steadily growing bigger.
“Yes, of course. You seem like a very busy man anyway. Here, I’ll be calling you tomorrow in the evening.” Dean handed me the card and I stuffed it in my blazer pocket with a firm shake of his hand. Immediately, I started jogging toward the doors Kellin had exited out of and scanned outside for him. I saw him walking to his car alone and called out to him once more. Only, this time, I jogged to him.
“Kellin, hey, I-” I started, grabbing his attention. He spun towards me and looked at me with the saddest expression I have ever seen him have. Tears welled in his eyes and his lip quivered. His eyebrows looked as though they were furrowed so tight they’d stick there. His mouth was clenched tight, just like his fists, and he shook in front of me.
“S-stop, it,” He said. “Don’t bother apologizing,” His voice was breaking and my heart reacted in the same manner. It dropped out of its cavity and I wanted to destroy myself. Kellin looked so torn and beat up. It was as if I ruined him within these last few weeks.
“Kellin, let me explain,” I reached for him, but he hastily backed away from me and opened his car door.
“You have already. I’m not enough for you. You don’t love me like you said you did, you love the idea of me.” He shut the door.
“Kellin, that’s not true, I-“
“Save it. See me when I’m important enough for you to not ignore.” Kellin rolled up his window and left. I was left alone, again, only this time it was entirely my fault. My heart had left in the beginning and now I felt empty. Tears began to flow down my cheeks without hesitation.
I messed up. How could I have messed up so badly?
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