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One year later.
“Enough!”
“Please, stop!”
“Yah!”
“How dare you say my name?!”
“…Please, understand me…”
“The blow to his head was very serious…”
“He has fallen into a coma…”
The feeling of suffocation was what woke Hyeori, like every night, the same images repeating over and over in her head.
Suho being hit, Bumseok hitting Suho, Bumseok begging for understanding, the doctor telling her about Suho’s condition…
It was nothing new.
A year and a half had passed since Suho had fallen into a coma. A year since she had moved to Yongdeungpo on her own, with limited money, far from everything she used to know, far from Suho.
A year and a half since her life had become a living hell.
Hyeori didn’t sleep, and if she did, it was only for a pathetic two hours or less, maybe half an hour, before those images and voices slammed into her head, waking her up and disturbing her sleep for the rest of the night.
Hyeori had lost everything, not just sleep.
After having left Wooyoung with a serious injury, which although he didn’t report her or press charges, everyone found out that she was the one responsible for such an action. The rumors somehow reached the scholarship committee Hyeori had been applying to, causing her to lose that scholarship to the University of Toronto.
Causing her father’s wrath.
Hyeori was basically disowned. Her father wanted nothing to do with her, and she didn’t want to see him either, not after he had said so many bad things about Suho. She hadn’t left home voluntarily, of course not, her own father had thrown her suitcases at her feet so she would leave that place.
And she did.
She had nowhere to go, but she didn’t stop to think about it, she simply left and left behind the old Kang Hyeori within those walls called home. Fortunately, Suho’s grandmother offered her food, a roof over her head, even a small job to help distract her from all the misfortunes that were happening in her life.
The old woman had taken care of her for more than four months until her mother managed to find her and tell her that she would help her secretly from her father. And although she didn’t accept at first, she knew that, somehow, she had to survive, plus, she had to finish school.
That’s how the girl now lived in an apartment, only five minutes away from Sion’s apartment, which she no longer visited frequently because he now lived with his mother, a woman who, well, didn’t like her very much.
According to her, since her son had gotten involved with her and Suho, his life had become a swarm of problems.
The girl didn’t blame her, but it seemed absurd to her to blame a person who was suffering the same as her son, for the same reasons, for the same events.
However, she preferred to avoid any future problems for him, so when she wanted to kill boredom, or those thoughts attacked her again, she would walk to the parking lot of the building where Sion lived, send him a message, and then they would both go to some store or park just to take a walk and think.
It had been a routine for a year now.
It sounded easy, sounded quite simple and without much behind it, but for Hyeori that year had been like hell itself.
Hyeori had had sleep problems since she couldn’t visit Suho as she should, even when she could, she slept very little, but that last year, if she had slept eight hours a month, it was truly satisfying. There were nights she spent awake, just watching the clock, waiting for it to ring.
Her diet had also changed. If before she ate little, now she practically only drank bottles of water and ate seeds, twice a day. She only ate properly if Sieun ate with her outside, but in her solitude, she preferred not to.
She ended up throwing it all up anyway.
Her physical health was a disaster, although it wasn’t noticeable on the outside. Hyeori was sick; the pains in her legs and arms, and the excessive migraines were completely part of the routine, as were the vomiting and dizziness. She had been diagnosed with anemia more than twice, so she wouldn’t be surprised if the dizziness was for that reason.
Something that hadn’t changed was her study habit. It had been modified, yes, but it hadn’t changed. She continued to get top grades, being recognized for excelling in some classes, the usual, although now she needed to listen to various sounds to be able to concentrate.
Because if it was silent, the familiar and tormenting voices that passed for memories haunted her, completely distracting her.
Another thing Hyeori had gotten used to doing that year was boxing.
She wasn’t an athletic person; in fact, she still hated the idea of having to get up early to go running or exercise. When Suho was around, it was something she did twice a week because he asked her to, but he knew he wouldn’t get more than just two “yeses” in a week, so he always chose Mondays and Thursdays.
She never understood the reason, but she never asked him, she simply created the habit, and now she went running those days, even if she hadn’t slept enough. She ran for twenty minutes, or thirty if she could stand it, in a park very similar to the one they both used to go running in, just to try to feel him a little closer.
Because although she could see him, although he was physically there, Hyeori was starting to forget what it felt like to have him close, what the grip of his slightly dry hands felt like, how his arms felt when they wrapped around her tightly before attacking her with kisses on her face.
She was forgetting how he laughed at something that amused him so much or when she gave him a new compliment that embarrassed him.
She was forgetting what his presence felt like.
And she hated it.
Because she never wanted that. The memories, the sensations, were the only things she had at that moment, and it seemed like she was losing them too. As if everything was conspiring to make her lose faith.
Hyeori was losing faith. Hyeori was starting to think that Suho wouldn’t wake up.
Slinging her backpack over her shoulder, she left the gym. It was a closed and quite spacious place, although she didn’t use the machines. She focused on the instructor’s instructions, who encouraged her to punch a silicone dummy, and when he was in a good mood, him too.
Her steps were firm, not hurried despite having school tomorrow. She usually found calm in the nights; the cold and fresh wind gave her a huge sense of tranquility. It was as if she were floating, as if any worry went away with the gust of air on her face.
Crossing a corner, she observed her reflection in the glass of a pharmacy that was already closed. The brightness of the restaurant in front of it made her shadow even more visible. With a small grimace, she looked at her legs and arms. She was too thin, way too thin.
“Yah, if you drop below 45 kilos, I’m breaking up with you… Well, not breaking up, but I’ll be really annoyed.”
Hyeori felt her heart ache at the thought of Suho’s words. They echoed in her head. She had always eaten little, had always been underweight. That’s why he always tried to feed her, even if it was by force or she got angry, he explained the same thing.
He wanted a healthy girlfriend who could hit him if he did something he shouldn’t. If she didn’t eat, she wouldn’t have enough energy to do it.
Hyeori weighed almost 38 kilos at that moment. That’s how poor her weight was, that’s how weak she was, that’s how destroyed she felt. Even if she tried to hide it, even if she tried to make Sieun not notice, it was simply something she couldn’t control all the time.
But she wanted to because she knew that if there was anyone who felt more guilty than her, it was Sieun. She knew how difficult it was for him. She had seen it in his way of looking, his way of standing and walking. He hadn’t even been the Sieun they had known with Suho two years ago.
He was completely different.
He was… as if something inside him had died completely.
Hyeori wasn’t only affected by Suho… Sieun was also her concern. She didn’t want to leave him alone, even if the idea of leaving and leaving everything behind was tempting, she feared that her action could make her lose him too.
And if that happened, she didn’t know how she would react.
Sieun was her baby, he was the boy who made her chest ache every time she saw him sad, who made her smile when she saw him happy, he was the only one who gave her comfort in the midst of all that chaos.
Like a child to a mother in the midst of a loss. Sieun was the person Hyeori would do anything for. That’s why losing him would be like a stab in the weakest and most fatal part of her body; it would be losing the only thing she had left.
Her eyes caught a tall figure walking behind her. His slender posture, the smoke coming from his lips, his free hand in his pocket, made her smile slightly, continuing on her way. “I was going to call you when I got home.”
“I find it more fun to play stalker.”
Hyeori turned around, watching the tall boy finish approaching, with his usual gait. “What are you doing here? I thought you were on ‘vacation’.”
“Uhm, I finished it early. You know I can’t spend much time without seeing you.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t you have school tomorrow, Seungje-ah?”
He nodded, moving a little closer. His scent, quite peculiar, had always given her a feeling of relaxation. It smelled of citrus with a woody mix. It wasn’t overly strong, but she could always perceive it because he never stood more than half a meter away from her.
Since they met, it seemed like the boy didn’t know the concept of personal space. However, that didn’t stop him from continuing to show up in places she frequented, like the gym, the pharmacy, convenience stores, etc.
“You have to stop doing that, you know? Someone might really think you’re a stalker.” The young man laughed as he placed the girl’s backpack over his shoulder, walking beside her this time on those cold night streets.
“Ah, but it’s fun.” He pouted, throwing the cigarette on the ground. That was something Hyeori never liked, but she didn’t even discuss it. After all, she didn’t have to. “I heard you didn’t transfer. You broke my heart, nonna.”
The brunette hit his shoulder without much force, causing him to chuckle. “I never told you I was going to transfer. I told you I liked the school.”
“It’s the same thing,” he said. “I’d have you closer. I could take you to eat that disgusting seaweed soup you like after class… Ah, what a disappointment.”
The young woman didn’t respond, she just kept walking beside him. Seungje had become a great friend to her, although she knew he had other intentions, she had never given him an indication of anything more.
She didn’t want him.
Sooho was still in her mind and heart, and she highly doubted he would ever leave that place.
The way they had met had been rather strange, to be honest, but Hyeori never questioned it, although she knew he would possibly have told her without any problems. She didn’t want him to feel pressured in any way. “Shall I pick you up tomorrow?”
“No, I’m going with my friend.” She smiled with her lips pressed together as she stood in front of her apartment door, looking Seungje in the eyes.
“Friend? Am I supposed to be jealous?”
“Uhm, no,” she said. “Friends don’t have to be jealous of friends, right?” she asked, taking her backpack off the boy’s shoulder, leaving a small kiss on his cheek, as she always did to say goodbye. “Go home, Seungje-ah, see you soon.”
The girl went into her apartment, leaving her head out, watching the boy still standing there, looking at her.
“Yah, go.” She put out her hand, waving goodbye. “Bye-bye.”
Seungje laughed, waving back, letting the girl lock herself in those four walls once again. Hyeori hated that apartment with all her being at those moments. The silence seeped into her mind like a snake, lurking and bringing out memories that shouldn’t be touched.
Like the memory of her babies.
Jaxx and Nala had died just a few months ago, and it was a pain she couldn’t even describe, because the moment the doctor told her that her little ones were no longer with her, she knew her life was going to hell.
Nala had gone first, after several months of illness with no improvement. Hyeori decided that the best thing was to end her suffering, so on the last day of her life, they spent it together on the couch watching all the Batman movies, wanting her to leave doing her favorite activity.
Lying on Suho’s lap while watching their favorite movie.
Jaxx was next. He simply didn’t wake up one day, there, lying at the foot of her bed. The little animal accompanied her on one last night of insomnia and tears. His last breath was as if he had finally fulfilled his job. Just as the tears in her eyes dried, the little animal closed his forever.
Hyeori had hated being in the apartment ever since. Before, at least taking care of the two dogs gave her some peace and distracted her, but now, the silence was even terrifying, the loneliness was terrifying. Even studying wasn’t an option for her at that moment; she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate.
She no longer could in the silence.
Her steps led her to the living room, where she dropped her backpack before throwing herself onto the couch, looking at the ceiling of the place without much emotion in her eyes. Her chest rose and fell slowly, deep breaths as she listened to that characteristic hiss of the night.
It was depressing.
Her eyes went to a photograph she had on the table next to the couch. In it were her beloved dogs, Sooho, and her, both hugging the animals. They were still babies, but they smiled as if they had accompanied them their whole lives.
Her finger caressed the face of a smiling Sooho, who was hugging a small Nala while looking at the camera, if he could through how scrunched up his eyes were from smiling.
Suddenly, a tear rolled down her cheek. “Sooho-yah…” Hyeori began, her voice already trembling. “I know you don’t hate me in your dreams…” she said, trying to keep the sob from interrupting her. “But I… I can’t stop hating myself every time I remember you…“
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