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I CAN HEAR JJ’S VOICE. I know she’s saying something funny-probably dragging one of the teachers-but her words don’t register. They’re muffled. Like I’m underwater, drowning in my own head. My knee bounces under the table so fast it’s practically vibrating.
My palms feel clammy, like I dipped them in water, and no matter how many times I wipe them on my skirt, the sweat keeps coming back.
My eyes flick up before I even realise what I’m doing. Across the hall. There he is. Aaron. Sitting with a few of the Year 13s at the football table, his posture casual, laughing at something one of the lads says.
His green eyes catch mine and for a second, just one tiny second, it’s like everything slows down. Like the noise dies, the pressure in my chest lifts, and my hands stop shaking.
He smiles at me. Soft. Simple. But it lingers in my chest like warmth.
I can’t stop thinking about how I was at his house. On his bed. The way he looked at me like I mattered. Like I wasn’t just another fuck-up. He helped me study, really helped. Didn’t laugh when I got stuff wrong, didn’t make me feel stupid or small. He was patient. Gentle. Like he actually cared about me understanding it, not just getting it over with.
And now that I’m thinking about it, really thinking about it, he has been like that from the start.
And that gift I gave him? The box with the songs, the letter, the ribbon, I saw it. On his desk. He kept it. He kept all of it. The ribbon was still folded neatly. The letter hadn’t been crumpled or shoved in a drawer. It was just there, like he’d read it more than once.
All those sweet memories, but there’s one that I can’t get out of my mind. A bad one. A stupid, impulsive bad one, that I already regret. It was right there. Right in front of me when I stepped into that bathroom. I just… needed it. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.
JJ glances at the football table, then back at me. “You’ve been staring at Aaron for the past five minutes.”
Valeria raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Uh-oh. Someone’s daydreaming.”
Their voices pull me out for a second, but only enough to force a tight, forced smile. “I’m not.” I blink and look back at them, but the room feels tilted. Like the walls are closing in.
Valeria nudges me. “Hey. You okay?”
I nod quickly. Too quickly. Like I’m trying to convince myself too. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
JJ leans in, frowning. “You haven’t touched your food. You feelin’ alright?”
I look down at my tray and instantly feel sick. The sight of the pizza, the smell of the chips-it’s too much. My stomach twists violently. I push back from the table, the chair scraping loudly across the floor, and bolt out of the dining hall.
The first girls’ bathroom is empty, thank god. I rush into the first stall, barely locking it before I drop to my knees and throw up.
My whole body shakes as I grip the toilet bowl, heaving until there’s nothing left. My eyes blur with tears, throat burning, chest aching.
What the hell is happening to me?
I wipe my mouth with a bit of toilet paper, the nausea still bubbling under the surface, and stare at the ground. I feel disgusting. Filthy. A disappointment in every single way.
There’s something happening to me, something I can’t explain. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m sweaty but cold at the same time, I’m way more anxious than I was before. This can all be for one reason. I know it. That’s why I did what I did at Aaron’s house. But I don’t want to believe it.
I want to get clean. I can get clean. But then why is it so hard?
It feels like there’s something crawling beneath my skin-like vines of want twisting around my ribs, creeping higher every day. The urges don’t shout; they whisper, soft and steady, wrapping around my thoughts until they blur into something I can’t control.
I hate it. Hate how something so quiet can feel so loud inside of me. Like I’m being possessed by a version of myself that I was never meant to become-one desperate enough to lie, to steal, to hurt the people I care about just to make the ache go quiet.
I hear the bathroom door creak open, making my thoughts stop spiralling for once.
“Carmen?” Valeria’s voice echoes softly.
I scramble up, flush the toilet, and step out, trying to compose myself. I slap a fake smile on my face like makeup. “Yeah?”
But I know they’re not buying it. JJ and Valeria both look at me like I’ve just confirmed every suspicion they had.
JJ crosses her arms. “Are you okay, Carmen?”
“What do you mean?” I try to play dumb.
“You’ve just been… distant,” Valeria says gently. “If something’s wrong, you can talk to us, you always can.”
I nod. “I know that.” But the truth is-this? I can’t talk about this. Not the withdrawal. Not the secret weighing heavy on my shoulders. Not the way I feel like a shadow of myself every morning. I already feel like a burden to everyone. Like I’ve taken up too much space, needed too much, failed too often. This would tip it over the edge.
JJ tilts her head. “Is it Aaron?”
The way she says his name sets something off in me. I don’t even mean to, but my voice sharpens like a knife. “Of course you’d assume that.”
JJ flinches. Her face twists in hurt. “No-I didn’t mean it like that, Carmen. You were just… you were focused on him the whole time and then you ran off-“
“I’m not feeling well, okay?” I snap. “That’s it.”
“Carmen…” Valeria’s voice is soft, cautious, like she’s walking on eggshells.
I don’t want to yell. I really don’t. But it’s like I’m not in control of myself. “I’m fine, God!” And with that, I storm out of the bathroom, my footsteps echoing down the corridor.
As soon as I’m alone, my throat tightens. Fuck. What is wrong with me? I know they care. I know that’s why they were checking up on me. So why was I such a bitch?
I heave a deep breath, rubbing my hand on my forehead as I try to gather myself.
Lately I don’t even recognise myself. I don’t want to be this person. This cold, defensive shell. This girl who hides in toilets to be sick and steals things she doesn’t even understand why she needs. This girl who feels like she’s balancing on the edge of something dangerous.
But I am. And I’m scared that if I fall, there’ll be no one left to catch me.
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