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THE NOVEMBER AIR BITES AT MY FACE as I stand near the edge of the pitch, zipping my white, puffer vintage jacket all the way up. Well, it’s not mine per say, it’s my mothers. I took it a while back. As if she used it anyways, so it’s fine.
Sighing, I scan the large football pitch in front of me. I don’t know why I’m here. Well, I do. Felix asked me to come, but it’s still weird.
Felix never asks me to come to his games. He’s spent the past few days acting… different. Offering me the food our parents buy for him, handing over the random gifts they send.
I glance at him on the field, warming up with his teammates. I can’t tell if he’s really trying to make an effort or if he just feels bad about something I don’t know yet. Either way, it’s throwing me off.
“Hey,” his voice breaks through my thoughts. I glance up to find him standing in front of me, his cheeks pink from the cold. “You came,” he says, his lips twitching into a small smile.
“Yeah,” I mutter, unsure what else to say. The air feels awkward between us, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “Are you not cold?”
Felix laughs, the sound unexpectedly light. “No, I’m freezing my tits off.”
“You don’t have any,” I deadpan, trying to fight the grin tugging at my lips.
“Because they’ve frozen off,” he shoots back, his smirk widening.
The laugh bursts out of me before I can stop it. I try to smother it, but it’s no use. Although, this feels strange, laughing like this with Felix. Easy, for once.
Before I can say anything else, our dad strides over, his presence as heavy as ever. “Carmen, stop distracting your brother,” he snaps, his tone clipped.
My brows furrow as his words catch me off guard. “But I’m not-“
“Go sit with your friends,” he cuts me off. “He needs to focus.”
The irritation burns in my chest, but before I can argue, Felix speaks up. “I’ll talk to you after, yeah?” His voice is calm, but there’s a sharpness to his eyes when he looks at our dad. “Don’t worry about him; he’s always like this before matches.”
I mutter something under my breath, turning away before I say something I’ll regret. As I head toward the bleachers, I glance back once. Felix is already jogging back to his team, his shoulders tense, but he throws me a quick look over his shoulder, as if to say, I’ve got this.
Up in the bleachers, Valeria and Alyssa are waiting, Valeria already waving me over. I climb the steps, trying to shake off the irritation lingering in my chest. But as I sit down beside them, my dad’s words still sting, clinging to me like the cold November air.
“There you are,” Valeria says with a grin, pushing her sleek black hair out of her face.
I hum in response as I take the seat next to her, not having the energy to talk. Or I just don’t want to.
“There’s Carson!” Aly shrieks. “My number eight.”
She says that with so much pride and happiness. It’s beautiful. The love they have for each other is beautiful.
“He’s staring at you!” Valeria exclaims, nudging her shoulder and Aly’s grin widens, reaching her eyes.
The whistle blows, indicating the start of the game, and I let out a breath, smoke coming out of my mouth due to the cold air. I liked when that happened. It’s kind of cool. Back when I was younger, I’d pretend to be smoking. I guess my younger self had some sort of idea of how I’d turn out to be like.
Would I have been like this if my parents just showed me as much love as they did with my brother?
To be honest, I’m not really sure. That’s what started my problem, but over the past year, I started to get more reasons to continue. And now? It seems like I can barely function or go two days without those pills.
I don’t know why I can’t be normal. Deal with my problems like how normal people would, as in talk about their feelings or have some sort of healthy distraction. No. I couldn’t be like that. I had to deal with my life with drugs
I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn’t get the words out. And this isn’t only about my personal problems, but also with school or anything else. Asking for help is just one of those things I’ll never do even when I know I’ll need it the most. I think I’m like that because I’m scared of what people will think of me. Judgment, pity, disappointment. I don’t want any of that. I’d rather struggle.
That sounds terribly stupid but it’s true. I couldn’t get myself to ask for help so I turned to drugs and when they worked for me, stopping wasn’t an option.
Suddenly, the whistle blows again, snapping me out of my thoughts. My eyes dart back into the pitch in curiosity only to see Aaron arguing with the ref. I’m not surprised.
Jack quickly steps in between the two and places a hand onto Aaron’s shoulder, saying stuff that I assume are to calm him down before he gets himself a yellow. Or worse, a red card.
Nodding his head, his eyes scan the bleachers as if he’s zoned out but he instantly comes back to his senses when he happens to lock gazes with me. I watch skeptically as his lips slightly tip upwards, his shoulders relaxing a little.
I want to look away, to break eye contact, so why wasn’t I?
After a few seconds, the game starts again, diverting his attention back to the game. A deep breath escapes me, one that I didn’t even know I was holding.
My mind goes back to that Halloween party, him and I standing outside just after he caught me speaking to Jude Walker. I’m still not sure why he cared so much. We’ve barely spoken and yet he almost seemed like he was worried about me.
That’s right, worried about me.
The thought of that was unsettling, something I’m not used to and something I haven’t seen in a while. But him meddling in my business was something I definitely didn’t want, so what did I do? Go back to my old tactic which is avoiding him. I skipped two tutoring sessions just to not have an interaction with him but when Mrs. Wright announced to the class about the upcoming mock, I knew I had to stop. Despite myself, I showed up the last tutor session we had.
Late? Yes. But I still showed up. What surprised me is that he didn’t say anything. No mention of the party or the conversation we had. He didn’t seem mad either.
But if he wasn’t going to bring it up then neither was I. Besides, it was the last thing I wanted. I came to the library because I needed to, I had to study, not because I wanted to talk about Jude and I.
I know who he is. I know what he does. I know what he sells. I’m not as naive or oblivious as he thinks I am. I know exactly what I’m doing, even the stupidity of it all.
The thing is, I don’t want anyone to save me. Or pull me out of my drug problem. Because in some weird way, it’s comforting to me. It’s the only moment in my life where there is peace.
I’ve found peace in them. The pills.
The crowd erupting in cheers quickly snaps me out of my thoughts. Looking up, I see Valeria and Aly jumping and screaming for our school team. My eyes then dart to pitch where all the teammates are congratulating my brother.
I manage to find the courage to yell, “Yes, Felix!” with my hands cupped around my mouth.
His eyes scan the crowd and when he sees me cheering with a grin, his eyes brighten in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. Not knowing what to do, he sends me a quick thumbs up before he turns back to his team. What a dope.
For the rest of the match, I find myself zoning out again. The cheers, the chants, and the occasional groans of disappointment from the crowd blend together into a distant hum. I clap when everyone else claps, cheer when they cheer, and fake the excitement well enough for Valeria and Aly to not notice that I’m barely paying attention.
My mind keeps wandering, slipping through thoughts I don’t want to have. Felix asking me to come. His weirdly kind gestures over the past week. The pills hidden away in my room, calling to me like they always do.
The whistle blows for halftime, and I glance up at the pitch as the players jog off. Felix spots me almost immediately and starts heading toward me, despite Dad’s stern voice barking orders at the team.
“Felix!” Dad shouts. “Don’t even think about it! Get over here now!”
Felix ignores him, which is something I don’t see a lot. When he reaches the edge of the pitch, he waves me over. “Carmen!”
I hesitate, staying frozen on the bleachers for a moment. Valeria nudges me with her elbow. “He’s calling you. Go.”
Reluctantly, I get up and make my way down the steps, weaving through the small crowd of parents and students huddled around the edge of the field. Felix’s grin stretches wide as I approach.
“Did you see my goal?” he asks, his voice full of pride.
I nod, letting a small smile tug at my lips. “You were really good.”
“Good?” he repeats, incredulous. “I turned into prime Cristiano Ronaldo, Carmen.”
I let out a laugh, unable to stop myself. The rare lightness in his expression catches me off guard. He’s not joking; well, he is, but there’s something genuine behind it, too.
Before I can reply, Dad’s voice cuts through the air like a whip. “Felix! Just because you scored doesn’t mean you get to miss the team talk. Get your ass over here.”
Felix rolls his eyes and scoffs, muttering under his breath, “I can’t do shit anymore.”
I frown, leaning closer. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing, nothing,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “I gotta go now. But hey, let’s grab hot chocolate after the game, yeah?”
I hesitate, my stomach churning. My hands feel clammy, and my chest tightens with the familiar weight pressing down on me. I nod anyway, forcing a smile. “Yeah, sure.”
He grins again before jogging off toward the team, leaving me standing there, my thoughts spiraling.
I start to head back up to the bleachers but stop halfway. My legs feel heavy, and my mind is racing with a thousand thoughts, none of them making any sense. The idea of sitting through the rest of the match feels unbearable.
Instead, I turn toward the exit and start walking away.
As I make my way through the small crowd, I glance over my shoulder. My gaze instinctively searches the pitch, and when it lands on Aaron, my chest tightens even more.
He’s staring at me, his brows furrowed in that familiar way that makes me feel like he’s trying to figure me out. Like he’s trying to piece together the parts of me that I don’t even want to admit exist.
Quickly, I turn back around, my steps quickening.
I don’t know why it happens, but somehow, we always end up locking eyes. Whether it’s in school, at a party, or right now. And every time, it feels like he’s seeing more of me than anyone else does.
It’s unsettling.
It’s confusing.
And it’s the last thing I need.
Somehow, I find myself far from Royal Academy and in a different world entirely. Trinity at night looks different. The buildings look darker, heavier somehow, shadows stretching across the pavement like they’re trying to swallow everything whole. The streetlights flicker in places, casting uneven pools of light that make it harder to tell what’s real and what isn’t.
My hands sink deeper into my pockets, fingers curling into the fabric like it might keep the cold out.
I step onto the basketball courts, the sound of my boots against the concrete echoing slightly in the quiet. My gaze drifts to the group of boys gathered in the corner with their hoods up and hands tucked away. Voices low and rough, like whatever they’re saying isn’t meant to be heard.
I hesitate for a second. Then I keep walking.
A basketball suddenly slams against the ground beside me, the sharp bang making my heart jump into my throat. I flinch, spinning around too quickly.
“What you doing here, love?”
He’s already walking towards me, slow and deliberate. The streetlight above him casts a yellow glow over his face, catching the smirk forming on his lips.
My stomach twists. Before I can say anything, before I can even think of a response, another voice cuts in.
“Leave her alone, Sully.”
Jude. It’s Jude.
He pulls his hood down as he steps forward, his expression hard, jaw tight, eyes locked on the guy in front of me.
“Or what?” Sully snaps, glancing back over his shoulder.
“You want another broken nose?”
That’s when I notice the plaster across Sully’s face and the slight swelling underneath. He flinches at Jude’s response like the memory and the pain hits him all at once. Then he scoffs quietly. “Bet Sofia won’t be too happy about this.”
“Mind your fucking business, mate,” Jude says, calmness in his tone but he looks like he’s one second from battering the guy.
Sully looks at me one last time, his gaze lingering in a way that makes my skin crawl, before he turns and walks off without another word.
Silence settles between us for a moment. My brows knit together slightly, confusion lingering from whatever just happened, but it fades as Jude steps closer.
“Hi,” I manage, my voice quieter than I mean it to be.
His hand wraps around my arm before I can react, firm but still gentle, guiding me away from the court and towards the side wall. Away from the others and out of earshot.
“What—” I start, a bit breathless. “What are you doing?”
His eyes scan my face slowly, as his lips press together, forming a slight frown. “You’re here for more?”
His question catches me off guard. Not because of what he’s asking, but because of how he’s asking it. The expression on his face and the tone of his voice don’t belong to a guy who would be happy if I was here for more pills with a hand full of money. Instead, he seems a lot more… concerned?
“No. No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “I just…” The words get stuck. Because I don’t even know what I’m doing here.
“What’s up with you, Academy?” he asks.
“You’re not my keeper,” I recall his words.
For a second, his lips twitch like he’s trying not to smile, and he shakes his head slightly.
“One time offer,” he says. “Talk.”
I let out a breath, leaning my shoulder back against the cold wall behind me. The concrete presses through my coat, grounding and uncomfortable at the same time. “Too much shit to even know where to start,” I admit.
“Yet, you still came here,” he points out.
I let out a quiet, humourless chuckle. “Thought you’d be the one person who wouldn’t judge me.” Because he didn’t last time. He made that very clear. “That’s why I came here.”
His eyes soften for a split second, I almost miss it. “You’re right about that.”
“Do you ever feel like you’re suffocating?” The words come out before I can stop them. “Like trapped in some cage while everyone else is living their lives?” I wince slightly after saying all that. Great, Carmen, just dump everything on him.
“That’s specific,” he notes, brows pulling together.
I shake my head quickly. “Sor—”
“Don’t,” he warns sharply, cutting me off.
I fall quiet, fidgeting with the sleeves of my coat in response.
He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a joint and a lighter. The flame flickers in the dark as he lights it, the tip glowing faintly before he brings it to his lips. For a moment, neither of us speaks, the soft crackle of the joint being the only noise between us.
“Yeah,” he says eventually, exhaling smoke to the side, away from me. “I get what you mean.”
“Really?” The confirmation that he has felt the same thing as me makes me feel like maybe I’m not as alone as I think i am.
He nods once, slow, like he’s not giving anything else away. Another quiet hum leaves him as he takes another drag, the smoke curling into the cold air.
“It feels like shit,” I mutter, crossing my arms tighter over my chest.
“It does,” he agrees easily. “Something happen?”
“Not anything specific,” I murmur. “Just shit piling up over the last few months.” School. My parents. Felix. Aaron. Myself, even. The weight of pretending I’m okay. Just all of it.
“It’ll get better, Academy.”
I let out a small breath at that. “Is it getting better for you?”
The question hangs between us. For the first time since he walked over, he looks away, his jaw tightening. His shoulders then lift slightly in a shrug that feels too casual to be real.”You want me to be honest?”
Silently, I nod my head.
“Not at all.” The bluntness of it doesn’t shock me. What does is the way he says it. Like he’s already accepted it. “But it’s my fault,” he adds. “I’m doing this to myself.”
“Don’t say that,” I reply instantly, the words come out without thinking and I don’t even know why. Maybe because it’s what I wish someone would say to me.
He glances at me, something unreadable flickering in his eyes, before his lips tilt up slightly.
“What?”
“You’ve got some fight in you, kid,” he says. “Don’t lose it.”
I huff quietly. “Only if you don’t lose yours.”
That only makes small smile grow. “Are we making a promise or something?”
“Should we?”
He laughs, a proper one, first time I’ve heard it from him. It catches me off guard enough that a small smile tugs at my own lips.
“And the local drug dealer can laugh,” I tease, raising a brow.
He glances at me, his grin widening at my comment. “You think you’re funny, yeah?”
My shoulders shrug as I raise my hands defensively. “You’re the one laughing.”
He studies me for a second. Really studies me. Like he’s trying to figure something out. Then he exhales slowly and turns his head slightly, glancing back towards his friends.”You feeling better?”
“Yeah,” I breathe out, shoulders slumping.
“Then go home,” he says. When he looks back at me, the softness is gone. Replaced with something serious. “Don’t come here at night, Academy.”
It was a stupid idea. I know it was. That’s why I can’t bring myself to reply.
“You got a way home?” he asks.
“Bus,” I mutter quickly. “I’ll be fine.” I wouldn’t want to Uber. Not with my parents being able to check my card whenever they want. But now that I’m thinking about it, why would they check it? It’s not like they care enough to think I’m doing anything bad.
Letting out a sigh, he starts to walk off. “Let’s go.”
My brows furrow instantly as I stand there looking stupid. When I realise he isn’t going to stop and explain, I hurry after him. “Go where?”
“Being your fucking keeper and taking you home,” he mutters under his breath as he takes out car keys from his pocket.
“I don’t need you to,” I say dismissively, crossing my arms.
Ignoring me, he unlocks the car parked along the pavement and walks around to the passenger side, pulling the door open and nodding inside. “In.”
“I can find my own way,” I argue.
“Stubborn,” he mutters under his breath. “Get in the car, Academy. I won’t ask again.”
There’s something in his tone that makes it clear this isn’t a suggestion. I stare at him for a second, then let out a breath of defeat and get in.
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