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I MIGHT SERIOUSLY BE STUPID.
When Mrs. Wright assigned me a tutor that was the only thought in my head. The embarrassment didn’t just settle into my chest; it right out flooded me. I wanted the group to open up and swallow me whole.
She didn’t even have the decency to pull me for a chat after class ended. Nope. She pulled me out in the middle of the class, announcing to me and the whole, that she needed to talk about my progress in this course.
Now everyone knows.
“What was that about?” JJ whispers over to me.
“She assigned me a tutor,” I reply with a huff as I turn to look at her, my voice laced with frustration but mostly humiliation. “So instead of my usual free period, I need to go to the library where I’m going to meet my tutor twice a week.”
Her eyes widen at my words in surprise. “She’s serious?”
That was my exact reaction. “Yep,” I mutter out, playing with a pen between my fingers.
“I could’ve helped you.”
She’s right, she could’ve but we only became on good terms last month. I don’t want to say that though. She clearly went through something at that time and even though I don’t know what it was, I still wouldn’t want her to feel bad about it.
“Mhm, because you’d be the best tutor,” I tease with a smirk.
“Yeah…” she agrees sheepishly. “I would be ass.”
I let out a quiet laugh in response. I love her. She’s one of my closest friends ever. But in all honesty, she hates talking to anyone and everyone. Especially lately. It all started when her mother died a few years back though. Back then, she shut herself out from the whole world except one person. Felix.
Whatever happened between them must have been pretty terrible if it ruined their bond.
It ruined ours too.
The bell rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. Sighing, I pack my stuff up and throw my bag over my shoulder.
“My favourite girls.”
Looking up, I see Jack with a wide grin who has his arm around Valeria while she’s talking to Carson.
“You’re no one’s favourite,” JJ mutters, rolling her eyes as she continues to walk.
“Hey!” he huffs. “I heard that.”
“Shouldn’t you be in class focusing on your GCSE’s?”
He stiffens and lets out a nervous chuckle.
That’s where the three of them should be right now matter of fact.
Valeria and Jack are both a year below us, making them year 11’s. Carson, however, is in my year but he’s most like you following Jack around so he doesn’t do any stupid shit.
The way the Academy is laid out is weird. The sixth form section is different from the rest of the school but we all have lunch together in the same hall. Which is good per say, I get to see the rest of my friends during lunch. And when they’re skipping.
“Are you not happy to see me?” Valeria raises her brows at JJ, giving her a playful smirk.
“I am.” JJ smirks back before her eyes dart to Jack and it falters. “Just not happy to see him.”
“And him?” Jack points to Carson who throws his hands up, giving him I’m not even in this conversation look.
“Carson is Carson.” JJ shrugs.
“So you only hate me?”
“I hate the lot of you,” she grumbles.
“Hear that, Jacky?” Valeria teases. “She only likes Carmen and I.”
“Whatever.”
“Alright, let’s get back to class. Enough skiving,” Carson mutters, pushing them in the opposite direction.
I let out a small laugh as JJ lets out a breath of relief.
“So,” she starts, “wanna head to the lounge?”
An annoyed groan escapes my lips. “I can’t, I have tutoring this period, remember?”
She furrows her brows and gives me an unimpressed look. “That shit starts today?”
“Yep.” Sadly. Unfortunately. Woefully. Unluckily. Okay, I ran out of words but I’ve made my point.
“Goodluck,” she winces.
Saying I need goodluck is a great understatement. For the rest of the month, or till God knows when, I will be getting tutored twice a week by some random person at the library.
I am not happy about this at all.
Don’t we have artificial intelligence that can tutor me? Do I need to be tutored by an actual human? A stranger for that matter?
“I’ll see you at the end of the day, JJ,” I say with a smile which she returns before turning right as I continue straight.
I can’t do this.
I can already feel the anxiety firing up, the sweaty palms forming, the heartbeat quickening, the loud chatter of the crowded hallways invading my ears. It’s like they’re all staring at me, even though I know they’re not.
And I know what I’m gonna need if I want to make it till the end of the day. I’m not an idiot. I know there’s something clearly wrong with me. I started using a pill as an escape from home, the invisibility I felt constantly, but now? I use it more than I like to admit. But when my brain won’t shut up, when my chest feels like it’s caving in, and when the world feels too heavy, the pills are there and they make it stop.
It’s wrong, I know.
But it makes me feel better when nothing else or no one else can.
Letting out a deep breath, I unlock my locker and shove my bag into it. I turn left and right, making sure no one can see me. No one is and I still feel paranoid like there are eyes burning into the back of my neck.
I reach for the pills that Jude Walker gave me the other day. I kept half in my room and the rest in my school bag. It’s idiotic but I knew at some point I would need it and here I am, so I guess I was right.
Before; I was just taking Oxy. These are Benzos.
I stare at them for a moment, guilt twisting in my gut.
Stop it, Carmen.
Swallowing a few, I ignore the disappointment feeling in my chest, before grabbing a notebook and pen and shutting my locker.
Everything is okay. Well, it will be.
This isn’t embarrassing. Everyone needs school help, right? I’m not stupid. It’s fine.
The thing is, I never ask for help. No matter how bad I’m doing, no matter how much I really need help, I’ll never ask for it.
I’m not sure why either.
I let out a deep breath. Let’s do this, I encourage myself, forcing my feet to guide me to the library.
Before I know it, I’m there. In front of the large glass doors. Ignoring the thoughts racing in my mind, I open the door and step in.
“Your tutor is waiting for you in the back, Carmen dear,” the lady said with a sweet smile. “Near the windows.”
I force a smile but deep down the feeling in my chest grows and spreads. She knows too.
I need this day to end as fast as possible.
Sighing, I continue to make my way through the large library. Once I’m at the back, I stop in my tracks almost immediately. All the tables are empty. All except one.
One with a familiar black wavy haired football player with green eyes that are hard to forget.
“Aaron?” I find myself muttering out.
His head lifts up and once his eyes lock with mine, his lips tilt up. “Blondie.”
I stand there like an absolute idiot before I manage to let out a small, “Oh.” Was the best I can really do? Clearing my throat, I add, “Hi, Aaron.”
“Hi, Carmen,” he replies, leaning back onto his chair as his eyes never leave mine.
I slip into the seat in front of him. “I didn’t imagine you as a tutor.”
“So who did you imagine?”
“One of the smart, snobby kids that would make fun of me for every mistake.”
His brows furrow at my words. “Good thing that isn’t me.”
“Yeah, good,” I mumble.
“So you’re happy it’s me?”
My eyes slightly widen at his words. Yes? No? Maybe? Perhaps?
“I’m just messing with you, Blondie.” His grin grows. “Your reactions are always funny.”
I roll my eyes but the smile tugging on my lips betrays me. “Still, I didn’t expect to see you.”
“I told you I’m good at maths, no?” He arches a brow at me. “Besides, I need the money.”
“For what?” I find myself asking.
“My seventeenth birthday is soon, so straight after I get my license, I’m going to buy a car.”
“That’s sweet.” My birthday is still a few months away. Thank God. But the bad thing about that is I can’t drive yet.
He hums in response as he opens the maths book in front of him.
“Wait, so when’s your birthday?”
He simply shrugs his shoulders.
“Is it a secret?” I ask jokingly.
“No it’s just,” he stops himself, letting out a sigh. “Birthdays aren’t a big deal to me, you know?”
“Yeah.” I understand that perfectly. More than he knows.
The air around us goes silent as we both don’t really know what to say. I watch as he glances around the table. His eyes dart to my notebook then to me before his brows shoot up.
“Your book.”
“Is not with me?” I question rather than state, not knowing what he meant.
“I have it.”
“You do?” He does?
He turns around, grabbing his bag off the chair. I watch curiously as he rummaged through it before pulling out a book that I have totally not missed.
“Here.” He hands it to me and adds, “All clean. I’ve been meaning to give it to you but you dart through the hallways.”
“What do you mean?”
“Every time I see you, I blink and you’re gone,” he laughs.
“Oh,” I breathe out. Oh fuck is what I truly meant though. “I threw up on you, Aaron.”
Yep. Out of the memories of that night, that particular-and very embarrassing-memory is the one my brain chose for me to remember.
“Beside me,” he corrects as if that changes anything. It doesn’t.
“Same thing,” I huff, letting out an embarrassed groan as I rest my head in the palms of my hand. “I can’t remember the rest of that night so I don’t know what other humiliating stuff I did or said to you-”
“So you’ve been avoiding me,” he states, cutting me off.
“Yes—I mean no.” I most definitely was.
Valeria told me how I had my arms wrapped around his torso like a little kid. How can I possibly face him after that?
Well, I am. Right now. And I really need those pills to kick in soon.
He lets out a chuckle, lowering his head as a smile makes its way onto his lips. “You didn’t do anything, Blondie.”
“I didn’t?” I question wearily. God I hope not.
“You were a good drunk,” he tells me. “Interesting but good.”
“Okay, good.” I let out a breath of relief.
“Do you remember my apology though?”
“Apology?” I repeat, confusion evident in my tone. What apology? What would he apologise for?
“For snapping at you after my game.”
His words that day flash through my mind and realisation washes over me. He acted like a straight up prick which was the first reason why I started avoiding him.
“You apologised?” I ask.
He would always give me a small smile when we walked past each other in the halls but all I did was walk faster every time.
I was annoyed. Annoyed that all the rumours about him being a dick and hot-headed might have been true when I didn’t want them to be.
It made me feel like an absolute idiot.
“I did,” he confirms with a nod of his head. “You wouldn’t talk or even look at me until I did.”
My face quickly drops at his words. He’s a liar. I am not a good drunk. Why would I do that? Ugh, Carmen.
“Don’t worry, Blondie,” he chuckles, noticing the look of horror on my face. “It was more cute than embarrassing.”
Cute? Cute. Cute…
“I…” I pause, furrowing my brows as I think of an appropriate response, “thanks?”
He raises a brow at me before letting out another one of his chuckles. “You’re something, Carmen.”
What’s that supposed to mean?
Before I can get the chance to ask, he opens the maths book in front of him and says, “Let’s start.”
“No,” I quickly say, the word slipping out of my mouth. “C’mon I just had that class, I’ve had enough maths for today.”
“Let’s play twenty questions,” I add before he can disagree.
“I’m pretty sure it’s twenty-one questions,” he mutters but then says “Fine we can play but after we’re starting okay? No more games if you want to pass.”
I don’t care about passing. I don’t care about maths or school. I know I should but the motivation to be academically good is just not there anymore. Or the motivation to do anything for that matter.
“You first.”
“Do you have any siblings?” I ask him. I know the answer of course but if I told him that, it would make me sound like a crazy stalker.
“I have a little sister.”
I can see how his eyes bright up when he talks about her. I think she might be Aaron’s only vulnerability.
“Okay, my turn,” he speaks up. “What’s your favourite colour?”
“What a boring question,” I tease jokingly. “It’s dark red.”
“That matches you.”
“It does?”
“Mhm,” he hums.
“Okay, what’s your favourite colour?”
“I thought that was a boring question?” he taunts, using my own words against me.
“Don’t be annoying,” I laugh, shaking my head at his reaction. “What is it?”
“Hmm, how about you guess?”
I take a moment to scan him up and down, analysing his looks but also his personality that I’ve only seen a bit of. He crosses his arms as his spreads his legs to get comfortable in his chair while waiting for me; the action causing a twist in my stomach but I choose to ignore it.
“Navy blue?” I finally answer.
“You got it.”
My face beams in surprise. “I did?”
He hums softly, nodding his head in response.
“I’m just like that,” I gloat with a shrug. “I’ve got psychic powers, you know?”
“Do you?” His lips tilt into a smirk at my words. “What am I thinking about right now then?”
“That I’m really cool for having psychic powers?”
“You’re a little off.”
“No, I’m not,” I huff. “That’s exactly what you were thinking.”
“Okay,” he raises his hands up in surrender, “it was, you got me, again.”
Shit. Do I actually have powers?
It’s the pills messing you, dumbass, you do not possess any sort of powers.
Oh.
That would have been pretty cool though.
“Okay, next question,” I start. “What do you want to be when you’re older?”
He crosses his arms, narrowing his eyes at me. “It’s my turn to ask the questions.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Fine,” I agree with a huff.
“What do you want to be when you’re older?”
Did he just ask me the exact same question I asked him? I know he likes messing with me but I’m not a very patient person and he’s quite literally getting in my seven trillion nerves.
Nonetheless, I reply honestly, “I don’t know.”
I’m taking courses that will help get me into Psychology but I don’t even know if that’s what I truly want. It was the only thing that somewhat interested me. I guess I wanted to know why people think the way they do. Why I think the way I do? But the thought of knowing almost scares me.
He studies me for a second before saying, “That’s okay, you know? Trying to figure out your whole life at 16 is hard.”
His sincerity throws me off but I force a weak smile that doesn’t even reach my eyes. “I guess so.”
The air starts to feel heavier and I don’t know what to do with the sudden shift, so I decide to steer us back on track. “Enough about me. What about you?”
“Footballer,” he replies with no hesitation.
Typical. “I could have guessed that.”
He shrugs. “It’s what I’ve been working towards ever since I was a kid.”
Him and Felix don’t get along but that was one similar thing they had about each other.
Before the silence can stretch too long, he clears his throat and flips the maths book back open. “Alright, enough stalling, Blondie.”
I groan, letting my head fall onto my hands. “We didn’t even finish our twenty questions. C’mon.”
“Nope,” he sighs, “because you, Carmen Castro, are not failing this class, you got that?”
I lift my head just enough to shoot him a glare. “You’re the worst.”
“For not wanting you to fail?”
“For wanting me to study maths.”
“I’m not a patient man, Blondie, but for you? I think I need to work on that if I’m going to be your tutor.”
Despite myself, I laugh. It’s small and quiet but real.
Aaron finally closes the maths book with a soft thud, giving me a crooked grin. “See? That wasn’t so bad,” he says as he leans back onto his chair.
I raise an eyebrow. “Speak for yourself. My brain feels like it’s about to explode.”
He laughs, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “It’s just maths, Blondie Not rocket science. You’ll survive.”
I couldn’t answer that if I wanted to. I don’t remember a thing he taught or explained to me. I was out of my mind. Like in a different world and I loved it.
“You heading to lunch now?” he asks, tilting his head in curiosity.
I hesitate. Part of me wants to hide in the sixth form lounge and avoid all the noise of the dining hall but the other part didn’t want to give JJ and Valeria more reasons to forget about me.
I’m noticed to them and I want it to stay that way.
“Yeah,” I finally reply, standing up and grabbing my notebook. “You?”
“Definitely,” he says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Can’t survive practice later without food. Your dad is killing us with all the sprints and suicides.”
“Yeah, seems like him,” I mutter as we walk out of the library. I notice how he slows down, almost like he’s trying to match my pace. I keep my eyes on the ground, not sure what else to say. My dad isn’t my favourite topic to speak about.
“Why’d you go quiet?” he asks after a moment, his tone light but curious.
“I think I had enough of hanging out with you,” I reply jokingly instead of telling him the truth.
“Really?” he muses. “I thought you were happy that I was your tutor?”
I roll my eyes. “You really think you’re funny, don’t you?”
“Not think, Blondie. I know.”
“And humble too,” I add with sarcasm evident in my tone.
As we reach the dining hall, the familiar buzz of voices and clatter of trays hit me like a wave. We step into the chaos and my eyes immediately dart to Valeria and JJ as they wave me over.
“Bye, Aaron,” I say, turning to face him.
“Bye, Carmen.”
You know, maybe this whole tutoring thing won’t be so bad.
I don’t know if that’s me or the pills talking though.
I can’t really tell anymore.
And for some reason, I like that even though I know it’s wrong.
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