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THE MURMUR OF SHOUTS AND THE steady rhythm of feet pounding the grass fill the air as the football team practices on the pitch. I sit perched on the bleachers, my maths textbook open on my lap, a pencil tapping against the page. The afternoon sun is warm, surprising for September in England, but the cool breeze keeps me away enough to focus.
Well, sort of.
It’s the pills. The fucking pills. They’re making me go crazy when I’m off them. Sweating, nervous, shaking. All of the above.
Carmen, focus. Right.
I squint at the equation in front of me, my mind blank on what step I’m supposed to do next. Why did I even bring this out here? I could’ve done this in the library or lounge area -anywhere quieter. But no, I thought sitting in fresh air will somehow make maths a little less painful.
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
“Hey.”
I jump slightly, my pencil slipping from my hand. JJ’s voice is soft and hesitant, and when I look up, she’s standing on the edge of the bleachers. Oh, fuck.
For a moment, I just stare at her. The silence stretches, becoming more and more heavy and awkward by the second.
“I’m sorry, Carmen,” she finally says. I can tell she means it. Like really means it.
And that’s something special coming from JJ. She has this I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, doesn’t care about what she says to anyone and everyone.
I glance at her out of the corner of my eye but I can’t get myself to say anything.
“I mean it,” she continues. “I’ve been a shitty friend. I admit to it. Ignoring you all summer wasn’t fair.”
“You’re right, it wasn’t.”
It’s not like I wasn’t texting her. I was. A lot. I was so worried. She just disappeared from me. JJ isn’t the type of person to open up. Ever. To anyone. That alone makes me worry about her.
She winces at my words but nods. “I’ve just… been dealing with a lot of stuff. I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m not saying that as an excuse, Carmen. I promise. It’s just an explanation.”
I search her face, searching for something-anything-that feels honest. Her bright blue eyes meet mine and I let out a sigh. I think this might be the most honest she’s ever been.
“I missed you,” she adds.
My throat tightens as I feel all the memories of the summer flooding back.
“You could have just told me that, you know? Instead of shutting me out. I would have understood.”
“I know,” she replies, her voice barely over a whisper. “I regret it and I know better than to pull that stupid shit again. I really am sorry, Carmen.”
I nod my head slowly. “Okay.” As much as I didn’t want to forgive her this fast, I couldn’t help it. I hated feeling this alone. Without her. Without Valeria. I needed this friendship back.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.” I finally look at her fully, a small smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “But you’re buying me ice cream later. Double scoop and with a flake on top.”
JJ laughs. Her real life. One that I haven’t heard in a while. “Deal.”
I wanted to ask what the problem was between her and my brother so badly but I stopped myself. I couldn’t push it. If she isn’t ready to tell me than she isn’t. But at least she finally explained herself to me and apologised unlike him. So I can take out my anger all I want on that dick of a brother.
It honestly surprises me that we used to be inseparable when we were younger.
Seriously, as ironic as it seems, it’s like we had twin-telethapy. We were best friends.
That went away so quickly. Before I could even realise what was happening.
“So are my two closest friends back on good terms?” Hearing Valeria’s voice, we both look up to see her jogging up the bleachers, her black ponytail swaying.
Valeria grew up in Spain but I always sort of knew her because our mums are business partners. On the other hand, JJ grew up just down the street from me so that’s how she and I got close and when Valeria moved here, I introduced the two and we became a trio. The trio.
“Sort of,” I reply, shooting JJ a playful look. “She owes me an ice cream.”
Valeria grins. “Fairs.”
“You were waiting down there, huh?” I ask and she sheepishly smiles, nodding her head. Knew it.
“JJ was too scared to go alone.”
“Bitch, don’t even,” JJ quickly denies. “Your nosy ass tagged along.”
I let out a loud laugh, my hand darting to my mouth to keep me quiet but I fail miserably.
For the first time in what feels like forever, the tension between us feels lighter. We fall into an easy rhythm, talking and laughing just like how we used to. It’s not perfect. But it sure is a start.
“Let’s go to the lunch hall,” Valeria speaks up, a smirk playing on her lips.
“They’re not selling food this late,” I tell her with my brows furrowed.
“But our favourite lunch lady can get us free ice lollies.”
JJ immediately gets up. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”
Fair enough. Who’s going to say no to that?
Letting out a soft laugh, I also stand up, clutching my calculus book against my chest. “Remember how annoyed she got at us last year though? We have to be careful this time,” I warn as we walk down the steps.
“It’ll be fine.” Valeria brushes it off. Well, we are her favourite. She doesn’t admit it but it’s obvious. Who else is she giving free ice lollies to? Exactly. Nobody but us.
“Oh, my God,” Valeria exclaims. “I forgot to tell you guys about what else happened yesterday with that blonde bitch.” She huffs before adding, “Not you, Carmen. You’re my favourite blonde.”
I roll my eyes with a playful smile at her compliment.
We start heading back to the school but I stop in my tracks when I feel something wet and cold splash all over my legs. I jump back, startled, dropping my book straight into the puddle of mud beside me next to the football.
“Which dick did that?” JJ scoffs, crossing her arms.
She’s not fond of the boys on the football team and right now I agree with her because I just got these new tights and now they’re ruined.
“Pass it!” a voice calls out and I immediately recognise it.
Looking up I see Aaron, his white practice uniform covered in mud. Whoever chose the colour white for a practice kit was a complete idiot.
“No!” I yell back. “Its wet and muddy!”
His lips tug up, his green eyes sparking with amusement. After a few seconds, he decides to jog up to me.
“You okay, Blondie?”
“I am not,” I huff, gesturing to my muddy shoes, tights, and book. “And I thought we established that my name is Carmen.”
“It is?” He tilts his head slightly, looking at me with a teasing expression.
“Yes, Aaron.”
“Connie,” he corrects. Is he serious?
“Carmen.” I look up at him with a fake
smile.
“Pick it up, will ya?” JJ grumbles and Aaron glances at her before turning his gaze back at me.
“I was just about to,” he mutters, narrowing his eyes at her.
I look down at my feet and sigh at how ruined everything is. This just piles on top of the thing I don’t need to worry about but do. “You ruined my stuff, Aaron.”
He kneels down, grabbing my book and his football. “I’ll clean it for you, okay? And next time I see you, I’ll give it to you.”
“And what if it isn’t salvageable?” I ask, crossing my arms.
“Then I’ll add buying you a new book my to-do list.”
“Number one on that list will be teaching yourself to aim better, I assume?”
A low chuckle escapes him as a small smirk plays on his lips. “Fairs. I deserve that,” he says with a shrug. Then, to my surprise his tone softens. “But seriously about the splash, my bad. Didn’t mean it, honestly.”
I blink, caught off guard by the sudden sincerity. “Uh… It’s fine, I guess.”
He takes a step back and glances down at my book, wiping the mud off. “Further Maths?”
“The bane of my existence,” I sigh. It really is.
Aaron chuckles. “I’m not bad at it, you know? I could help you out.”
JJ is quick to let out a scoff. “You? A football player? Good at maths?”
Valeria nudges her in the shoulder. “I’m a football player, bitch.”
“But you’re a girl and you’re my favourite footballer so it doesn’t even apply to you.”
I can’t help but laugh at their antics.
Smiling, I turn my attention back to Aaron. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
He opens his mouth to reply but just as he does, Jack yells, “Get a move on, will ya, Connie?”
He mutters something under his breath, seeming clearly annoyed. His eyes meet with mine again and that smirk he had is now back, plastered onto his face.
“See you around, blondie.” He jogs back to where the rest of the guys are, throwing me a little wave over his shoulder.
Skeptical, I watch him with my eyes narrowed. He heads over to the bench and places my book on it gently before joining the rest of the team to continue his practice.
“Aaron O’Connor speaks to you like that?” Valeria gapes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You see how that team is full of dickheads? Well, Connie is like the biggest one. He’s hotheaded, doesn’t care what he says, gets in trouble a bunch, and saying he fights a lot would be an understatement,” JJ explains.
My eyes slightly widen before a knot forms in the middle of my brows. He’s like that? It didn’t seem that way at all.
“Clearly he has some type of thing for her,” Valeria says with a shrug.
“I’ve heard all types of stuff about that guy and the biggest one is that he’s a player, with girls all over him,” JJ adds. “So just watch out, Carmen. Please.”
“Exactly,” I quickly agree. “Aaron O’Connor is not into me and I’m not falling for his tricks.”
Valeria raises a brow at me. “We’ll see about that.”
Oh, God. I do not want to see.
I can’t get close to him. I already can see everything going to hell if I do.
“Were you spying on us?”
My jaw drops at my brother’s words as I let out a loud scoff.
“Spying?” How egotistical is he? “Why would I want to spy on you or your dumbass friends?”
He crosses his arm. “I don’t know but you just so happened to be talking to Connie. You know, the guy I’ve fought so many times, Carmen?”
Everyone is saying so much stuff about him but he can’t be that bad. At least he doesn’t seem like it. Am I being naive though?
“He kicked the ball into a puddle right in front of me and he was just apologising!” I explain myself.
“Well, he’s not a good guy, okay?”
I hate the overprotective brother act. Besides, I know he isn’t looking out for me, he doesn’t do that. It doesn’t seem like he cares for me at all. The way he easily forgot about me and the friendship we had as soon as he started focusing on football; as soon as my parents paid more attention to him. He loved it. I guess, he couldn’t -and can’t- let it go but I was the one who had to.
“What’s it to you, Felix?” I ask, shaking my head in disbelief.
“You’re my sister, Carmen. I’m trying to watch out for you.”
Am I? Are you?
“I know I can be a dick,” he sighs, guilt flashing through his brown eyes, “but it’s not like I want you to get into anything bad.”
I nod my head at his words before turning around.
Too late.
I already got myself into something bad and he doesn’t know anything about it.
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