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IT’S ONLY LUNCH AND MY DAY has already been terrible. Absolutely terrible.
The lunch hall buzzes with chatter, but it feels distant, muffled under the suffocating sight in my chest. My leg bounces up and down uncontrollably under the wooden table, a nervous rhythm I can’t stop, and I have to wipe the palm of my hands onto my skirt multiple times due to the sweat forming.
My dad’s words from this morning echo in my head, still sharp and heavy. “You need to stop making excuses, Carmen. I expect better from you.” His tone wasn’t just angry, it was disappointed. Somehow, that stings worse.
All because I skipped a class yesterday. It’s only the first week of school, no important lessons are being taught. Besides, I couldn’t take it. I was sweating and I couldn’t stop shaking.
Like now.
“Are you good?” Valeria asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up at her to see her brows furrowed, a concerned expression on her face.
I try to smile but it feels weak, even to me. “Yeah. I’m just so tired.”
Her lips curl into a grin. “Oh, my God. Same.” She groans dramatically, leaning back in her seat. “Football practice had me so sore yesterday.”
Football. Valeria’s life is all football. It’s the one thing she loves. It’s the one thing she has. I’m happy for her, of course. But I somewhat envy that. I wish I had something. Something I was really good at.
It honestly seems like Valeria is perfect. Her hair is long, black, and silky that contrast well with her dark blue eyes. If she wanted to, she could have any boy wrapped around her finger. She’s noticed. She’s seen.
“Oh, look,” I hear her beam, “Aly is waving at us.”
Looking up, my eyes fall onto the boy’s football table where Aly is sitting. She has dark brown bouncy curls that frame her face perfectly and match well with her forest eyes and bronzed skin. She’s gorgeous and she doesn’t even realise it.
Alyssa is quiet. Really quiet. The only people she talks to is Valeria, JJ, and I along with her boyfriend Carson. They’re joined at the hip which is the reason why she’s sitting over there with him. We don’t mind though. I’d die to have a love story like theirs.
She joined in the middle of school last year. I don’t really know how they got close but what I do know is ever since she joined, if you wanted to find her, you’d have to find Carson.
I met her through Valeria. They’re both in the same year, which is now year 11. I like her. She’s sweet. She’s the definition of sweet.
I wave back at her and her smile grows, a rosy blush colour making its way onto her cheeks. I watch as Carson looks down at her and pulls her closer to him.
Oh, fuck love.
Yes, they’re cute. Yes, I wish I had a love like theirs but isn’t love draining? Putting your all into one person? I don’t even know. Truth is I can barely love myself so I’m in no condition to love someone else.
“Don’t look,” Valeria whispers, suddenly snapping upright, “but JJ is walking in right now.”
“Is she heading this way?” I ask, my eyes widening.
“Wait… she is. Are you guys good now?”
I blink at her, unsure on how to answer. Are we good? We haven’t talked, like really talked, in weeks. I know it has something to do with my brother Felix. I just have a feeling. But none of them has said anything to me.
I honestly think it’s bullshit. She’s my best friend. She’s been my best friend ever since we were kids. We grew up together on the same street but the silence between her and I is like a wall I can’t climb and I’m tired of trying.
Before I can respond, JJ slides into the seat in front of us. Her brown hair is in a messy ponytail that somehow still looks perfect, her shirt untucked and loose along with her tie, ignoring all the school rules. She glances at me briefly, barely a second, before turning her focus back to Valeria.
Ouch. It’s like a slap in the face.
“Hey, JJ,” Val beams, as if she doesn’t notice the tension. “We missed you.”
JJ laughs, the sound light but not quite reaching her eyes. “C’mon, you know I missed my girls too.”
Did you? I wonder, my throat tightening. If she missed me, why has she been avoiding me practically all summer? The thing is, I wasn’t even mad if she didn’t want to hang out. All I wanted to know was if she was okay and if I did something to hurt her.
Valeria speaks up, launching into a story about a girl on her team she can’t stand. I try to pay attention, nodding and humming at the right moments, but my gaze keeps flickering to JJ. She’s picking at her food, her expression distant-except when she glances at my brother.
And of course, Felix is glancing back.
I clench my jaw, the tightness growing in my chest. Whatever is going on between them is just another thing I’m left in the dark about.
“She’s a bitch,” JJ says suddenly, snapping me back into the conversation. “Say the word and I’ll make her regret saying that.”
“Don’t worry,” Valeria chuckles, waving her off. “She’s all talk, I swear down.”
“Is it the blonde one?” I ask and she nods her head with an annoyed huff. “Yep, Lily won’t even try anything.”
“She thinks she’s all that because her dad is friends with Mr. Torres,” JJ adds.
I glance towards the football team’s table, where Lily and her crew are laughing obnoxiously. Lily, Anika, and Emma. All of them are in Valeria’s heat and all of them are bitches.
Sure enough, Anika found herself all over Felix. She had had the fattest crush on him for years. It’s no secret since she makes it blatantly obvious like how she is right now.
“Ew,” I mutter, staring at them with disgust.
Valeria and JJ both look up at the same time, grimacing in unison.
We used to sit on that table. Valeria, JJ, Aly, and I with Jack, Carson, Hassan, and Felix. We used to be one big group. That all completely crumbled after this summer.
Valeria and I decided to stop sitting there out of respect for JJ and Felix. It was for the best, because for the first week of school that we did sit there, they got into an argument in front of all of us and then JJ stormed off.
“They deserve each other anyways,” she mutters under her breath, yet I hear her clearly.
“So you’re still not on speaking terms with him?” I ask, my tone sharper than I intended.
She doesn’t answer, her gaze fixed on her tray as she stabs at a piece of lettuce.
“So that means you’re not on speaking terms with me?” I need to know. I need to know if all those years of friendship will go down the drain because of an argument she had with my brother that I don’t even know about.
Her shoulders tense and for a moment I think she’s going to ignore me again until she lets out a sigh, sounding heavy and tired. “Carmen…” she mutters.
I let out a dry laugh. “Got it.” Grabbing my bag, I stand up. The movement is sharp and frantic but I can’t sit here any longer. Before I can take a single step, Valeria’s hand darts out, grabbing my wrist.
“Carmen, wait.” Her voice is firm yet tinged with worry. “Can you guys talk this shit out? Please?”
“It’s kind of hard when she’s been ignoring me for almost two months,” I snap, the words spilling out before I could stop them.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Carmen,” JJ sighs. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“Sorry for what? For pretending like I don’t exist? For acting like all those years of friendship meant nothing?” I scoff. “I’ve been alone all summer. And where were you? Ignoring all my texts? Avoiding me? You didn’t even try to give me some sort of explanation while I was busy worrying about you.”
JJ’s jaw tightens and she finally looks up, her icy blue eyes glistening with something unreadable. Guilt? Anger? I can’t tell and it only makes me feel worse. “I didn’t know what to do,” she says softly. “Everything is just… complicated, okay?”
“What’s so complicated about talking to me?” I ask but this time with hurt in my voice.
Valeria shifts uncomfortably, glancing between us like she wants to intervene but doesn’t know how. “Carmen, maybe-“
“No,” I interrupt. “If JJ has something to say then I want to hear it from her.”
She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Her hands drop to her lap and she looks away, avoiding my gaze.
“Don’t take me for a mug, JJ,” I mutter, letting out a scoff as I pull my arm away from Valeria’s grip. The knot in my chest tightens further. I need this to go away. Now.
It hurts. Badly.
While I was spending every night of the summer in my room alone, JJ was ignoring me and Valeria was too busy with football to hang out.
We only hung out once and it was at the start of summer. After that, Felix managed to fuck up my friendship with JJ and Valeria just had too many football camp and tournaments that she was busy with.
My grip on my bag tightens. I don’t want to look back. I don’t need to see their faces to know how this will end. JJ will keep her secrets. Valeria won’t know what to do and put all her energy to football. And I’ll be exactly where I always am, alone.
Despite my thoughts, I glance back. I don’t meet Valeria’s or JJ’s gaze. Instead, my eyes lock with a pair of vivid green ones.
The same ones I saw the other day. He’s sitting with the football team as they all laugh and talk but his eyes are focused only on me.
Why is he looking at me? Wait- does he recognise me? Ugh. Somehow this day gets even worse.
I don’t waste any time, walking out of the doors and into the hallway, my steps quick and purposeful as I head towards my locker. The closer and closer I get, I can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders.
A deep exhale leaves me once I make it. I don’t waste any time twisting the code combination and opening the lock. My eyes immediately fall onto the small black bag that has what I need inside of it.
“Blondie!”
My heart jumps at the familiar voice. Hesitantly, I turn around and sure enough, he’s standing there.
“You okay?” he asks, almost sounding out of breath.
Did he try to catch up with me? No. That’s just crazy. He doesn’t even know me.
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “Why?”
“You left in a hurry,” he says with a shrug. “Figured that something was wrong.”
I bite on my bottom lip nervously as I glance at the inside of my locker. “I’m fine. I just… don’t feel well.”
“Fairs,” he replies. He then scratches the back of his head, opening and closing his mouth as if he’s debating if he should ask me something. “You are the same blondie from the locker room right?”
I stiffen at his words. “Uh, yeah.”
“Didn’t recognise me?”
“No-I mean, yes. You’re just not shirtless this time.” My eyes widen at my stupid reply. Why would I say that? Shit.
That’s the first thing I saw when I met him, though. Him shirtless. His strong shoulders, the muscles on his biceps, the defined abs, the sneak peak of his V line due to his sweatpants hanging lowly.
Only when he pulled me out of my thoughts did I meet his gaze. His emerald eyes, his black wavy-curly hair, his straight nose, his sharp jawline.
Carmen! He’s right in front of you.
Snapping out my thoughts, I dart my eyes to anywhere but him. This is so embarrassing.
He chuckles at my words, his lips tugging up into a small smile. “Do you want me shirtless?”
My lips slightly part in surprise. How am I meant to reply to that?
“I’m messing with you, Blondie,” he teases. “I am wondering though, what’s your name? You ran off so fast, I couldn’t get it.”
My stomach flips and the grip I have on the edge of my locker tightens. “It’s not important.”
“To me it is,” he mutters, tilting his head slightly. “So help me out? I’m new here and I don’t only want to know the football team.”
As I process his words, the conversation I heard my dad and Felix have a week before school started flashes in my mind. He’s the crazy good football player my dad was excited about. Felix on the other hand was pissed.
“Why do you need to know my name?” I’m not trying to be involved in whatever game he’s playing.
“Because I can’t just keep calling you Blondie,” he counters. “Unless you want me to.”
God-no. Anything but that. “It’s Carmen,” I answer.
“Carmen,” he repeats, nodding his head slowly. “I’m Connie.”
My brows furrow. “Is that a nickname?”
“It is,” he confirms. “My last name is O’Connor.”
“So what’s your first name?” I ask as curiosity gets the better of me.
“Aaron.”
Aaron O’Connor.
“To check again, you’re all good?” he asks.
I hum with a stern nod. All good. I will be soon enough anyways.
“I’ll see you around, Blondie,” he calls out as he walks backwards, his eyes still on me.
“You know my name now!” I call back, annoyed but the faint smile on my face betrays me.
“I know.” He sends me a smirk before turning around and heading back to the dining hall.
My gaze lingers on him, wondering if I should say something back, but I don’t.
Looking back at the bag, the knot in my chest tightens. A deep, frustrated sigh leaves me as I grab it. Quickly, I unzip it but before I pull out the orange container, I take a glance around me to make sure no one is here. And no one is. I open the bottle, pouring a few pills into my hand.
This whole day, the only thing that has been on my mind were these. I pull out my water bottle and down it after placing the pills on my tongue.
I’ll fly past today now. It’s fine.
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