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UNNOTICED: NOT SEEN, OBSERVED OR GIVEN attention to.
That word sums up how I feel; like I’m invisible. In my own house, in my school, and in life in general.
At first I hated it. I wanted somebody to notice me so badly. I wanted someone to see me. Actually see me, Carmen Castro.
But now, I don’t mind it. I guess I’ve gotten used to it after all this time.
In my family, I’m seen as a ghost; seen only when it’s convenient to remind me that I’m not as good as him. For example, like right now. The perfect prodigy, my twin brother Felix, won his football match, scoring three goals, so tonight is all about him. Not that it’s any different from the usual.
Letting out a sigh, I close the fridge door after grabbing the cup of mint lemonade from my favourite cafe. Score. At least there’s one thing good about today.
As soon as I turn around, I see Felix standing there with his arms crossed. One thing I’ve always hated is that we look exactly alike. We both have dirty blonde, curly hair, and bright brown eyes. I don’t want to be anything like him.
“That’s mine,” he says flatly.
He never gets the lemonade, always the orange juice. Plus, he knows it’s my favourite.
“No?”
Talking about something-probably work-our parents walk into the kitchen and Felix immediately turns to them. “Mum, who did you get the lemonade for?” he asks.
“You, carino,” she replies with a sweet smile.
He doesn’t waste any time turning back to me and sending me a smug smirk.
My mum’s eyes then widen with realisation. “Oh…” she mumbles. “Sorry, Carmen. I forgot to get you one.”
I ignore her words, my eyes glaring at Felix. “Fine,” I huff, setting the drink down onto the island counter. “Take it, dick.”
At my words, mum gasps loudly before turning to my dad with an expression that says do something.
“Don’t talk to your brother like that, Carmen,” he sighs.
It’s lemonade, but it’s not just about the lemonade. There’s more to it. It’s the birthday I spent watching Felix blow out candles while they forgot about me. It’s the days where they go out together while not bothering to even ask me if I wanted to join.
The lemonade is just a hundred ways that’s reminding me I’m an afterthought.
“It’s a drink, Carmen,” my mother adds.
“Your brother worked hard today, he deserves it.”
There’s something about the way she said that, something sharp underneath her praise, like a reminder that no matter what I did, it would never compare to his achievements.
“Go on,” I say to Felix.
He rolls his eyes at me before grabbing it. “You don’t have to make a big deal out of it.”
He doesn’t get it and I think he never will. I nudge his shoulder as I walk past, muttering,”Fuck you.”
“Carmen!” my dad yells and I immediately stop in my tracks as his voice echoes, bouncing off the walls and marble floors.
Him being Felix’s football coach, they practically spend all their time together. It doesn’t surprise me that he always takes my brother’s side.
He used to be close with me though, called me his favourite princess. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the love he had for me is clearly long gone.
“Your brother has had a long day and he won the last game of the summer league. Stop being dramatic for once and just apologise.”
I take a quick glance at Felix and let out a scoff. Ignoring my dads orders, I walk out of the kitchen and into the main area.
“Come back here right now!”
I jog up the stairs and once I make it to my room, I slam the door shut. They can go have dinner together like the perfect picture family they are without me. I kneel down beside my bed, lifting up the wooden floor board to get out the one thing I know will help.
They were prescribed to my dad a few months back for an injury. He didn’t even use them. Said that drugs are for messed up people.
Am I messed up then, dad?
I don’t even remember when I started; maybe when mum forgot to pick me up from school because Felix’s practice ran late. Or maybe the night they took him out to celebrate his wins while I sat home by myself in the dark. It doesn’t matter. It’s the only thing that quiets the noise.
I let out a deep breath after I swallow a couple. Now I just need to wait.
They help me feel numb… nothing. Without them, I feel everything. I can’t live like that everyday.
The sound of heavy footsteps make their way up the stairs. Quickly, I put the floorboard back and sit on my bed, waiting for the yelling that’s about to happen.
The door flies open, revealing my dad, who, safe to say, is very angry. “I’ve had it with your attitude! Getting upset over a drink?”
I can’t believe they seriously think I care about the fucking lemonade. It’s the fact that they all went out after his match, went to the cafe, got drinks for dinner later tonight, and did not think about me once. It’s the fact that this happens daily.
After Felix started to take his football career seriously at thirteen, all my parent’s attention went to him. He was their perfect child. While I was the child they’d shout at for small mistakes that, most of the time, weren’t even my fault.
“Sorry,” I reply with no emotion in my tone with a slight shrug of my shoulders.
My dad lets out a scoff in return. “Come downstairs for dinner.”
“I’m not hungry.” Or I just don’t want to listen to my brother’s accomplishments while I get belittled.
He shakes his head, disappointment written all over his face. “What am I going to do with you,” I hear him mumble as he closes the door. Once I hear his footsteps descending, I let out a breath.
Yeah, dad, what are you going to do with me? Because I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself.
I put on my headphones and press play on my playlist, having the volume deafeningly loud. I won’t feel anything soon and it will be over for a few hours at least.
That’s what I need. For all this to be over. I know it won’t be, especially with school starting in a week.
I have to put on a fake face with a fake smile and pretend like I’m not spiraling.
I wonder if anyone notices that I’m faking it.
I wonder if I disappear all together, would they even care?
Maybe I’ll find out one day if I ever manage to stop pretending.
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