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Drown it, dismember it, burn it
ft. fifty shades of trauma
” 너는 별을 보자며 내 손을 끌어서 “
**warning; sensitive topics and graphic torture descriptions**
–
When you’re going through your sixty something of contemplation in your life, things can sometimes get a little bit overwhelming. Just a little, maybe you’re just overthinking things.
Yeah, moving to a new workplace, suddenly getting a new roommate who’s acting weirdly these days— thinking that everyone around you knows something you don’t and realizing that they were probably only throwing a birthday party for you. Did the part about accidentally trauma dumping to stranger coworkers on the first week of meeting them get mentioned?
—And just meeting your mom who was released from a psych ward who might just be happening to live nearby. Not much else.
And you know, casually getting slammed into your own door the moment after returning home by the said roommate. Who had wet hair softly dripping droplets of freshly out of shower water on your shirt as you stared into the air, either in disbelief, drooling, or done with life— but unable to tell what reaction to choose in between.
Yeah.
“The fuck are all the bags and moving boxes in your room for?” He didn’t waste any more time he spent previously by staring down at her accusingly. Now, Y/n had seen many parts of him while working, eating, drinking, and existing in the same place together. The usual deadpanned expression that made people either stare with hearts in their eyes or walk seven feet away from him was the usual, then there was the awkward stumbling face that wanted to show some sort of emotion, but his facial tissues seemed to be physically unable to contort those expressions.
However, this one was a new one. Behind the curtain of his indigo bangs that parted together from the water and the shadow casted by them, two purplish azure pupils pierced onto her own. His eyes narrowed in frustration that seemed to be acting like a piece of poorly stitched fabric barely clinging onto what was beneath its layer while two blank e/c ones stared back, wide with confusion. The moment she had stepped a foot into her own home, a hand dragged her wrist in and slammed the door behind her once she had fully entered. His hand was still remaining on the metal doorknob as they were speaking.
“….? Ohhh.” The female teacher dumbfoundedly looked at him before his words finally registered in her mind. Come to think of it, why hadn’t she explained that she was going out to a friend’s place for a while yet? There was no reason to hide it anyways.
“I’m moving out to a friend’s place—…”
Her next words came through one ear and exit through the other. The entire world blurred except her mouth that was still busy moving to add things to her words. But her next words after the only sentence that was caught in his ears were deaf to the said ears.
It felt as if every inch of muscle in his body had finally snapped from the strings of control called his mind. Almost as if he was just a third person watching from the eyes of another body, he couldn’t control over his own limbs nor mouth. Hell, even his ears decided to stop listening to what it didn’t want to listen to. Due to how brutally his teeth were grinding, his lower jaw twitched. The hand squeezing onto the handle behind her threatened to crack it off the wood. Y/n awkwardly looked behind her, still wondering what was going on. She didn’t recall saying anything that would have hit a nerve…
In fact, she thought he would be somewhat happy at the news. After all, he would have the entire house to himself for a few months at maximum. He wasn’t someone who would go insane because of lack of company. Not to mention now that whatever tension between them seemed to have somewhat been settled a little prior, she was back to ruthlessly annoying him day and night. He likely would appreciate some peace.
But his current reaction was proving everything that went against her rather reasonable thought process. Why?? Y/n racked through her words she just spoke over and over, but couldn’t find anything that could cause him this much of a reaction.
Meanwhile, the very person who had her pinned to the door was thinking the same thing.
Logically speaking, the most of a reaction he should have taken was maybe being a little annoyed that she hadn’t told him earlier. Every decision and choice has a background to it depending on whose shoes you stand from. But even if you flipped the stage over, shook it up and down, or stood at all possible angles, his response was absolutely ridiculous.
Before going further in, one may wonder what he was doing in her room in the first place while the real owner of the room was absent.
….Again, for utterly no reasonable explanation, he was ticked off after practically being kicked back to their shared home. If he stayed, he would have been grumbling about why he had to be there anyways. So why was he complaining that he was back now?!
—After taking an ice cold shower to put his mind off of it and miserably failing to the point it almost felt pathetic, he realized he forgot that the all the upstairs towels were still in the washing machine downstairs. He almost punched a second hole in the wall as he stood there in the bathroom, staring at the drenched rat-like reflection back in the mirror as his brow twitched.
After throwing on a random band shirt and sweatpants, he came downstairs to ask his roommate for an extra towel.
Forgetting her absence, he knocked impatiently on her room door and stood there for a good two minutes before opening the door only to be greeted by the sight of multiple moving boxes and even a few bags, almost none of them fully filled as though cast aside due to laziness.
A cocktail of conflict, anger, confusion and probably hundreds of other microscopic ingredients were brewing in his mind, threatening to overflow from the cup anytime soon. His unchanging expression temporarily kept the raging whirlwinds of thoughts. Among the emotions devoid of any logic or sense, he recognized one thing he knew so clearly like spotting an old face among a large crowd. One he desperately wanted to avoid.
Betrayal. The hasty and careless covers of ignorance and neglect had finally been punched and exposed the raw cuts underneath, stinging as it finally saw the light of day for the first time in years. Kunikuzushi felt another sudden wave of emotions wash through him as he stood there, staring at the moving boxes. Everything blended in as the colour of anger all boiled inside him like a poisonous soup, threatening to spill over. He had been betrayed many times before, he knew, but this time felt different. He had let his guard down, and now he was finally paying the price for it.
His ungrounded anger was like venom, seeping into his veins and making him feel sick to the bone. He was torn between wanting to lash out at the Y/n and wanting to break down in tears. It hurt in an embarrassing and pathetic way to know that he had put his faith in this person without even realizing, only to be betrayed yet again. For the fourth time now.
There was a part of him that wanted to scream, to shout, to let all the pain and anger pour out of him. But he was afraid that if he did, he would never be able to stop. He was afraid that he would become a monster, consumed by his own emotions.
So instead, he stood there unmoving, eyes blazing with what almost looked like resentment, holding his emotions in like a dam ready to burst. It was all he could do to keep himself from breaking down completely.
“Scara…?” A familiar voice called out, momentarily scattering the cloud of thoughts. Only her face cleared from the blurring of the world. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Her brows furrowed worriedly, hand reaching up to brush his wet bangs out of his face and placing the back of her palm to feel his temperature. A soft gasp left her lips upon laying her hand in what felt like a chunky of ice.
“Gods, you’re frozen!! What are you doing here with your hair drenched?” She scolded, her frown deepening. That sweet, poisoned voice she probably practiced hundreds of times over the years. But who was he to speak, when he too, almost willingly got bit by the snake he knew was there.
With that angel of a smile and words that had everyone whipped to her within seconds, what should he have expected? He was stupid. So childish to the point it was almost pitiful. He knew that smile was a lie. Although it didn’t seem to harbour ill intentions, it was all a lie. Her sugary words and frowns of worry like right now. Were those fake too?
Deep down, he knew they were far too much of a dream to be true in this world. But until now, he willingly shut that part of his mind off.
Some part of him voluntarily let himself be one of the many prey to her grand show she was both an actor and the director of. Some part of him, wanted to see his reflection in her eyes when she was talking to him. Some part of him, wanted to see that stupid grin almost every day despite knowing it was all a part of her elaborate joke. Some part of him, wanted to be the a person someone else talked to as if he was just a friend to them. Not a teacher they should be terrified of, not a disappointment of a son, not a sharp mouthed coworker who didn’t understand social cues and acted however he pleased.
A friend.
A person.
Someone… Anyone, that meant something to someone.
He knew. He knew, that he wasn’t the only person she smiled and laughed around. He knew that he wasn’t the only person she talked to. He knew he had no reason to get this attached. He knew that he didn’t have anything to lose by pushing her away a little.
He knew. He knew it all.
It hurts to be something, but it’s even worse to be nothing to anyone.
And yet, like an insect intentionally drowning in the sweet nectar it knew it could never redo the entangling of without ever looking back, he just let this happen.
Now that it was finally time for her to be finished with the chapter that involved him for a little while, she was disappearing as soon as she came. Like the colourless wind that came and went however it pleased. After all… Where the wind came from nor where it will go next, is something nobody knows. The best thing to do would he enjoying it while it lasted and simply allowing it to continue on its way.
“Hellooo, hey— you’re as wet as a drenched mouse and you’re freezing, could you get off??” She poked his arm experimentally, raising a brow. It was impressive to stay in this awkward position as still as a rock for this long, she had to give that.
….The best thing to do would he enjoying it while it lasted and simply allowing it to continue on its way. He would be even more hurt by trying to grasp onto the wind itself. But aren’t humans so strange?
They always end up crawling back to the one thing that they’ve attached themselves to, no matter if it makes them bleed or deepen the cracks in their heart. And the worst part, this invisible end of the leash-like line they chained themselves to, likely wouldn’t ever be broken unless it was ripped from them by an even stronger force that would break and cute pieces of their skin along with it. He was becoming a hypocrite now that he was saying this.
Y/n was seriously growing worried now. He hadn’t been moving nor speaking for the last ten minutes now, and he didn’t seem to have any plans on making a move himself. She sighed and gently squirmed to the opposite side where his outstretched arm holding onto the doorknob blocked her path, planning on squeezing out through the open path of his other side.
Without warning, his other hand slammed right next to her head.
“We still have to talk. Where do you think you’re crawling away to?”
He glared into her eyes, the invisible bleeding cuts desperately covered behind a wall of enragement and annoyance. Y/n paused like a rabbit caught in headlights despite having done nothing wrong.
~
“Young lady, we still have to talk. Where do you think you’re going?”
His face was blurred out, likely for the best. All she could recall about his appearance was from the mouth down. Father just returned from work, and had waited at the front door for five minutes for her to come out and greet him. Meanwhile, she couldn’t hear his entry over the tutorial video she was watching in her room.
“…I sincerely apologize about my disrespectful action towards my father.” She kept her head hung lowed, closing her eyes. A displeased click of tongue came from slightly above her figure. “Why exactly were you disrespectful this time?”
“I should always show ultimate respect to my seniors and especially my parents, who provide me with everything I need. I have been ignorant because I was distracted. I promise this will never happen again.” Her eyes devoid of anywhere particular to stare at continued downwards. His plain work shoes he always wore that would be neatly left at the entrance of the home before he stepped in.
SLAP
“You have become quick-witted.” He scowled before silently entering, nudging against her side. Her mother, who was rearranging the books by the mini shelf next to the TV didn’t do so much as look to what was happening at the front door.
Just as she thought it was all over, a rough hand latched itself in her hair as a scream muffled by another hand ripped through her throat.
“I— I’m, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, It will never happen again… Please, PLEASE—”
“Silence.”
~
“….Please— It… It won’t happen again, I *hic*, swear……” She repeated for probably the fifth time now, curled up in a ball with her back against the door.
“I’ll… Always wait by the door before you come in. Please, I have a presentation tomorrow, I have to be able to— hic— be able to walk…”
Kunikuzushi stood there, wide-eyed with pupils devoid of anything that stared at the hiccuping and wailing mess beneath him. Every inch of her moveable limb was twitching and flinching on its own, her unfocused eyes widening and squeezing as if something or someone invisible to his eyes were standing in his place in his stead.
This was all just a part of her.. Act.
But….
His mind had officially shattered into a hundred different people all whispering different things into his ear.
One of them, a rather larger piece, yelling at him that he would be beyond helpless if he finally lost it again. Another part, demanding if he was letting his pettiness leave someone who he practically owned his current life to like this? And finally, another part he could hear rather clearly…
Telling him to shut the fuck up and hug her, never let go. Maybe use that big and useless mouth for something useful for the first time since being made. —If this was all an act, she was damn good. But he knew the look in someone’s eyes when he saw it.
The genuine look of horror flashing in her eyes that he hadn’t witnessed in anyone’s until today. It was a bubble was around her, leaving everything but herself and whatever she was seeing outside of that space she was trapped in. Her breaths that were desperately entering her lungs painfully shortly, lips trembling uncontrollably. This was the second time he saw this now. In the exact same spot.
Except, he was the problem in this scenario. Even if she did play him off like an act, did she deserve whatever that she was remembering?
From the way she was reacting to it, it was something no living thing should have ever been subjected to. She kept mumbling and whimpering apologies to whoever was in her memories, her fingers tightly entangled in her hair tugging and ripping at her scalp. Sure, it could have been whatever basic morales left in him. But why was it that gaping feeling in his chest was dangerously tightening.
Each breath he took, it felt heavier than the last.
Sure. The weird feeling in his heart might be the heart problem he had at the moment. The heaviness in his stomach was probably a bit of panic and guilt any sensible and normal person would feel in this situation. However, if the betrayal he was feeling before was akin to a campfire, then whatever this lividness in his chest was an entire burning mountain getting swallowed in seven seas of flames.
The illogical instinct to grab her shoulders and demand whoever was plaguing her mind, to leave the house right now, strangle them, burn their house—
No.
Whoever this person was, just those merciful ways of pain wouldn’t make him feel a sliver of satisfaction. They— no, it deserved to he flipped upside down in a boiling pot to watch as its skin got cooked alive, taken out, placed in a tub of ice as he watched the skin turn into alluring shades of mauve and blues. While it was still wet, it would be electrocuted to every inch of their body. Have its nails plucked out one by one, shown the nails before have them shoved down its throat, left to bleed out and writhe in its own body as a merciful break— left in the sun to dry out, then proceeded to be drowned until half of the lungs were a pool again. In a lukewarm water as a break from that boiling freezing bath prior. But it would be far too kind of him to let the thing die just yet. One by one, all four limps would be sawed off and it would watch the arms and legs once attached to its body be separated. With only the head and main body left, it’ll be tied down to have pure alcohol poured all over. Of course, he wouldn’t leave the poor thing hungry after all this. Its severed limbs would be cut and cooked in front of it, served in a one of the cute hand painted plates his roommate made in the cupboard, and he would feed each piece one by one down its throat as it gagged and choked. Would a person die straight away if their eye was plucked out? Well, considering they probably lost enough blood, he would leave the two likely disgusting orbs alone. After all, it had to watch what happened to itself with two perfectly normal eyes. Now left as an even more pathetic creature it already was before, he would berate it for hours and hours until just on the brink of consciousness, begging to be put out of its misery.
The poor guy must be in a bit of pain. It would then get medical attention just enough to keep the physical body alive for a few more days. Then, it will get locked up in a white room devoid of anything other than white walls and silence, left alone in its own silence after having its tongue sliced off and mouth muffled. The tongue that probably said all kinds of things to the person currently in front of him. Maybe the tongue should have also been fed. It was likely far too disgusting to exist in the same world he breathed in. Thinking about it again, it didn’t even need to be locked since it couldn’t do anything physically at this point. Just as the person was losing its mind and with no tongue to try and bite off in an attempt to end its own life, it would be going haywire.
Then, a hole would be punctured in the abdomen— its organs spilling and poking out. He would then coat the body in sticky, goopy honey before tossing it out somewhere in a forest. He would stay nearby and watch as the insects and stray dogs ravaged the sorry excuse of a feast alive. And once little to nothing remained, the forest would be lit up.
Fuck that. This whole world could burn. And once he finally arrived in hell, he would give another fat fuck you to the devil.
Wait… Y/n also lived in this world.
Nevermind. Maybe not the whole world, just that forest can burn.
His body entered autopilot once more. His hand slowly reached out in an agonizing pace, placing itself beneath her chin. It continued inching sideways before it stopped once positioning itself by her left cheek. Kunikuzushi found himself in a knelt position, barely inches away from her distraught face once he finally realized their position. Not that his body would follow his mind even if he wanted anyways.
The remaining hand cupped the other side of her face with tenderness he didn’t even know he possessed. Unless he was mindful at all times, he would often break and shatter the objects around himself. Nevertheless minor living things that depended on him.
His body seemed to know what to do better than he did, so he simply let it be.
As seconds flowed into minutes, her breathings had begun to even out. He didn’t notice that her face was slowly moving closer to his own. Actually, it was him that was inching towards her. He doubted they were currently more than half an index’s length apart.
Her breath had a faint lingering of tea as her chest arose and went back down, repeating the movement countless times. The entire time, their eyes had met ever since Y/n’s own pupils finally latched onto his.
His eyes fell to her lips that fell slightly agape. She was wearing a different lip tint than the one she usually wore. The pinkish hue had smudged ever so slightly on the corner of her mouth.
This whole situation felt painfully familiar. Almost identical to a few nights ago..
Neither knew whether to move back or make a move forward, so they just waited for the other to do something. But if one of them chose the second option…
Neither of them would particularly move back to reject the gesture. However, neither moved a millimetre closer nor further than where they already were.
——
A/n had to get creative with the torture methods part (taking that back thats just what i think everyday when i see the people at my school)
cliffhanger bc i got lazy and impatient by the end🫃
Barely proofread so point out any grammer mistakesss
ALSO AGHDHROWB I GOT MY FIRST FANART
idk your wattpad user but i lob it sm 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
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