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๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐
MY MIND REPLAYS LEX’S QUESTION from when I first told her about the project. About Rhys. “Anything else? Like does he have abs, what size bulge does-” Yes. And big.
I groan and roll over in my bed. Puff moves from my pillow and onto my face. Yes. Thank you Puff. Suffocate me. Take me away from the embarrassment. The embarrassment of getting…hot with my work partner.
I mean-sitting on the desk? That’s so high school. So so high school that it’s painful. But what looked more painful was whatever was going on in Rhys’s pants. Ugh. I was acting…frisky and Rhys liked it. Oh God. What did I do?
Puff’s fur gets into my mouth and I plop her onto the pillow again. I flop onto my back and reach for my phone. I pull up Lex’s contact and type out my message.
๐๐๐ฎ, ๐๐ช๐จ๐ฉ ๐ฌ๐๐ฃ๐ฉ๐๐ ๐ฉ๐ค ๐ก๐๐ฉ ๐ฎ๐ค๐ช ๐ ๐ฃ๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฉ ๐ ๐๐ค๐ฉ ๐๐ง๐๐จ๐ ๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐๐ฉ๐ ๐๐๐ฎ๐จ- ๐ฎ’๐ ๐ฃ๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐๐ ๐๐ค๐ฉ ๐๐ช๐ฎ ๐๐ง๐ค๐ข ๐ฌ๐ค๐ง๐ . ๐ฎ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ข ๐๐ฃ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ค๐ฉ ๐๐ญ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ ๐๐๐ค๐ช๐ฉ ๐๐ฉ. ๐๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐๐ฎ๐จ ๐๐ค๐ฃ๐ฃ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ค๐ ๐๐ข๐๐๐ง๐ง๐๐จ๐จ๐ข๐๐ฃ๐ฉ <3
I delete it and instead click on Rhys’s name.
๐ข๐: ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐ ๐ฉ๐ค๐ข๐ค๐ง๐ง๐ค๐ฌ?
๐ฉ๐ค ๐ฉ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐ค๐ช๐ฉ ๐ฌ๐ค๐ง๐ ๐ฉ๐ง๐๐ฅ.
๐ข๐ค๐ค๐จ๐: ๐จ๐ช๐ง๐, ๐๐ค๐๐จ 10 ๐ฌ๐ค๐ง๐ ?
๐ข๐: ๐ฎ๐๐๐
๐ข๐ค๐ค๐จ๐: ๐จ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ค๐ช ๐๐ฉ 10
๐ข๐: ๐ฃ๐๐๐๐ฉ ๐ข๐ค๐ค๐จ๐
๐ข๐ค๐ค๐จ๐: ๐ฃ๐๐๐๐ฉ ๐๐๐ข๐๐จ
When I turn my phone off, the darkness swallows me and I lay my head on my pillow. My thoughts are at bay until I remember the voicemail in my inbox. I’ve listened to it about a hundred times and I haven’t responded to it.
I memorized the voicemail. It was from my mother. The people at the facility let her use the phone to call me. I hadn’t picked up because I was at the cafรฉ with Rhys. But when I got into the cab, I pressed play.
๐๐ฆ๐ญ๐ญ๐ฐ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต ๐ฅ๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ด ๐๐ข๐ณ๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐ฆ๐ณ๐ณ๐บ, ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ช๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐จ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ข๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ, ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ช’๐ฎ ๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ๐ด ๐ด๐ข๐ช๐ฅ ๐ช ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ข ๐ฅ๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ค๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ค๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ข๐บ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ท๐ช๐ด๐ช๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐จ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ, ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ. ๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐จ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช’๐ฎ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ช ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ข ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ข ๐ฅ๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ค๐ฉ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ค๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐๐ฌ๐ข๐บ ๐ช ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ. ๐๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐จ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ช’๐ฎ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ’๐ด ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ช๐ณ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด. ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ฃ๐บ๐ฆ
I love you because i’m your mother and mother’s love their daughters. But she doesn’t. She never has, she’s never said that before and when she said it, something went off in my mind and I couldn’t handle it. Those were the words i’ve always wanted to hear from her, and when I finally did, I wanted to forget them. I wanted her to take them back.
Because she doesn’t mean them. Because she can’t even remember me. She doesn’t remember what I was like. What I did and said. She just…doesn’t know me. She never has.
____________________
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